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Honest opinions please

(12 Posts)
violet101 Wed 14-Oct-09 12:48:45

Having been married for a decade and for the most part put up with emotional abuse, I have recently told my husband that I want out. He, is livid, upset but most of all cannot believe how selfish I am being...."for the sake of the kids"

He believes they'll be 'ruined' whereas I feel I'm doing this with their best interest at heart. We have had separate rooms for over a year, they have witnessed him call me evil, witch, selfish, mean.... I could go on.. I just don't want them to grow up thinking that this is how marriage should be, that this is an acceptable way to treat another person, that this is what love is...

I'm not perfect, but I try to be a good person - its just that I can/have never lived up to his expectations, however much I do, he always more, me to get a better job, give him money (he doesn't let me see any utility bills and recently hid our joint mortgage papers in the loft)the house is always a tip - you get the picture!

But my question is - in your opinion - do you think your kids are better off being with a happy(ier) single parent than 2 miserable ones constantly falling out?
I have put it off for so long because I didn't want to hurt the kids, but now I feel I owe it to them - whatever the future holds...

please tell me I'm doing the right thing......if indeed I am

thanks x

Lulumama Wed 14-Oct-09 12:51:30

your children will be better off without seeing their mother emotionally abused and devalued by their father

cestlavielife Wed 14-Oct-09 12:51:33

yes. better you happy and house is happy place. much better.

he is just trying to emotionally blackmail you.

read "why does he do that" by lundy bancroft .

Ivykaty44 Wed 14-Oct-09 12:52:48

Children are happy with happy parents where ever that may leave them

ginnny Wed 14-Oct-09 12:59:25

Children learn about relationships from their parents.
Think of it this way - if you have a ds - imagine him treating his dw the way your H treated you because his dad treated his mum that way and she didn't mind it? If you have a dd - imagine her stumbling from one abusive relationship to another because that's all she knows and the main male role model in her life did the same to her Mum.
Trust me - you are doing the right thing. Your dc will only be 'ruined' if you stay with him for 'their sakes'.

Snorbs Wed 14-Oct-09 13:43:08

It's better for a child to have come from a broken home than to continue to live in one.

missingtheaction Wed 14-Oct-09 13:50:58

You want my honest opinion - of course I think you have to leave. And actually I do think it will be better for the children in the long run if he can maintain a decent job of being a parent after the split.

However, I hope you are leaving him for your sake, not just because you think it will be better for the children? It's not quite fair to use the children to justify the breakup (although I don't think that is what you are doing).

And he is the one breaking up the family by being such a b**** to his wife! If he'd been a decent husband this wouldn't have happened.

(BTW he's off-the-scale nuts from the sound of it)

queenofdenial2009 Wed 14-Oct-09 14:51:12

Yes, children are better off in a happy home with one parent than in one with two unhappy ones. You don't need to put up with being treated this way and you should call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247. Keep getting lots of support here, you're certainly not the only person in this situation.

i left my abusive ex three months ago with my daughter and it was the best thing I ever did for both of us. She is so much happier.

Niceguy2 Wed 14-Oct-09 17:45:07

Personally I think you are doing the right thing.

But also be aware that leaving will not remove your problems, merely change them. So in future instead of abusing you, he may end up taking it out on the kids during his time. If he expects you to give him money now, don't be surprised if he doesn't give you any maintenance when you split. That kind of thing.

Good luck tho. Life's too short to stay married to someone you don't love and respect.

totallyawesome Wed 14-Oct-09 17:53:51

OP - your H sounds just like my (ex)H.

I'd second missingtheaction's words on leaving him for your sake.

That said, my DD has been happier since I left her dad. I am a much better person for him not being in my life, less stressed and much less uptight.

If your children are like mine, they will not be ruined by living in a house with one happy parent. They might, however, be damaged by growing up with two unhappy ones.

violet101 Thu 15-Oct-09 09:47:34

Thank you everyone for your input. No, I'm not leaving because of the kids, I'm leaving because I'm tired of being belittled, called names, lied to, controlled - and often infront of our kids.

I realise he's using this as a weapon but just needed to know for my own sanity (and lack of self confidence).

Thanks again x

iliketurquoise Thu 15-Oct-09 10:58:10

how was your relationship before?
is there any chance to mend it?
would you think of going to a relate counsellor? do you think it will help?

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