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help sahm and think my marriage is over have no idea what i need to do.......

(15 Posts)
mum2samandalex Sun 11-Oct-09 20:33:10

dh has got himself into lots of debt only just found out and feel like ive been hit by a train.I just cant be with him how could he let this happen im so angry and feel he's left me no choice but to end it. But what do i do in terms of work and income i have two ds and am so scared of being on my own and providing for them.I havent worked in 5 years who to i go to for for advice i cant have dh providing for us anymore i dont want a penny from him.I feel sick that he cant afford to provide for us and is sluming into debt. Finacially we would be better off separated.

I love dh but he needs to sort himself out i cant be with someone who lies about money feel like the trust is gone.

costagirl Sun 11-Oct-09 20:41:10

Oh golly, you poor thing. What a worry. All I would say is that you're probably very shaken up (I bloody would be) - so don't make major decisions right at the moment. You need lots of proper advice. Citizen's Advice Bureaux might be the first port of call - they might know who you could talk to.

My friend's DH did this - lost a whole load of their money by silly investments, and didn't tell his wife till too late as he was so embarrassed. That said, he is generally a good bloke and a v good Dad.

In the morning, ring CA and get proper advice. Then think about your marriage.

Really feel for you.

mum2samandalex Sun 11-Oct-09 20:51:02

Thankyou, thats the thing hes a good dad and husband but he makes silly mistakes. I have no idea what to do i dont want to live like this im shaking

costagirl Sun 11-Oct-09 21:18:17

I have lots of days where i think "I don't want to live like this any more" as my DH also makes lots of stupid mistakes, in different ways. So I know how you feel. But, rightly or wrongly, I can't bear the impact on the children who love their Dad to bits, and he is , essentially, a good man. So I grit my teeth and we carry on.

Like I said, I wouldn't make any hasty decisions. You've had a shock and are angry, rightly so. Advice first, action later. Good luck.

onadietcokebreak Mon 12-Oct-09 00:30:43

Agree CAB for advice.

Do you have your own bank account? If not open one and I would suggest you start having CTC and Child Benefit paid into your account so you have some control over some of the finances?

What are the scale of the debts? If you do decide to stay make sure he gets proper free advice from National Debtline or Consumer Credit Council....dont get into using the management fee ones.

Do you own home? If so you need to find out if this is at risk because of the debt.

How old are your Children? If under 7 you could claim income support if you become a lone parent as long as you receive the Child Benefit for them so make sure its in your name.

I understand the lack of trust is the most shattering thing to come to terms with so take some time to work things through in your head before you make any huge decisions.

mum2samandalex Mon 12-Oct-09 09:32:27

I total he works 4k but his wages barely cover his overdraft. Not huge but ive just found out so could be alot worse further down the line. Ive cut back on things already and saved for the kids things etc so this has put a new spin on things as hes let me carry on as normal. My account is healthy enough so i could walk away debt free.Im angry at the way hes dealt with it. He sees it as his debt not ours but if we stay together it is ours and will now mean i will have to cut back more im just getting by with what he gives me already. And hes just living off his overdraft.

mum2samandalex Mon 12-Oct-09 09:32:59

in total he owes i mean

onadietcokebreak Tue 13-Oct-09 14:07:37

How do you feel about everything now?

Do you want to make it work or need some time apart?

Need to take advice on how to clear the overdraft. Also on what has caused the debt. General overspending? Have a look at moneysavingexpert website for an execellent budget planner.

OrangeFish Tue 13-Oct-09 14:14:19

well, well, I think that more than calling it off, if it's only £4000 debt I would be willing to give a go to Relate to become -- the-- person in charge of the family finances sort the situation of distrust that he has created.

But first talk to your bank to see if there is a way to make that debt easier to pay.

Niceguy2 Tue 13-Oct-09 14:50:06

4K isn't exactly a big debt. Certainly if he's an otherwise good dad/husband then throwing in the towel, splitting up and getting a divorce will cost you way more than 4k!

Whats he spent the 4k on? If he's been trying to keep you all in a good lifestyle then thats a better mitigating circumstance than if he was at the bookies.

The issue is as you rightly say about trust. Right now its shattered but can it be rebuilt? Is he truly sorry and will he do it again? Its too early for you to tell right now but i wouldn't automatically throw in the towel over this.

For richer for poorer and all that!

BarbieLovesKen Tue 13-Oct-09 15:00:56

I'm sorry but 4k isnt exactly a whole lot - definately not worth throwing away your marraige for if he is, as you say otherwise a good husband/ father.

I understand its probably not the amount but more so the trust or the fact he didnt tell you? although - having said that, you said in your OP that he got himself into lots of debt - oh to be only 4k in debt....

titchy Tue 13-Oct-09 15:09:15

Agree 4 grand's hardly worth ending a marriage over hmm

You don't work. He does. His salary is providing a roof over your heads and food on the table. He recognises it is his debt, so presumably is willing to do the lion's share of paying it off. Well as you don't work he'll have to won't he.

How much does he earn and what are your outgoings? You may be a SAHM but you should be aware of this - you and your dh should be a partnership after all. and what's he spent 4 gradn on?

titchy Tue 13-Oct-09 15:10:40

Oh and my overdraft limit is 4 grand - which I reach by the end of every month! On pay day I manage to reduce my overdraft to 2 grand!

BarbieLovesKen Tue 13-Oct-09 15:34:57

Thats a good point, titchy - "He recognises it is his debt, so presumably is willing to do the lion's share of paying it off. Well as you don't work he'll have to won't he."

I have to admit too that I find it a little strange that you keep referring to it as his debt - whatever bills/ debt dh has I acknowledge as my own and vice versa.

I know he "got you" in this debt but presumably he is supporting you all as a family financially so is spending the money he earns on all of you.

scarletlilybug Tue 13-Oct-09 15:45:15

If you look at the moneysavingexpert forum, debtfreewannabbe section, you will see lots of stories from people in similar positions to your dh... people who have run up debts without their spouses or partners knowing and who are now worried sick about what to do next.

I don't know all your story, but I know it isn't uncommon to build up debt, thinking you'll be able to pay it off.... then finding you can't. Then feeling to shamed and scared to admit to what has happened - and all the time the debt is getting bigger.

It's natural that you should feel hurt and angry and betrayed after finding yourself in this situation - but when you get over the initial shock, you may well see that dh has been trying to "protect" you in his own, daft way.

You need to talk. £4000 isn't an unsurmountable level of debt.

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