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can someone explain to me why he would spend 4 years taking me to court to gain access just so that he can refuse to see them?

(27 Posts)
Mamazonabroomstick Sat 10-Oct-09 21:57:41

because i am stumped.
Im so angry i just hate him so much.

For those that don't know. X was violant and abusive in every way. I contested access due to this. my barrister and solicitor both said (at different times) that my case was one of the most severe they had ever worked on.
He would beat the shit out of me daily, would make my son watch whilst he raped me, punched me in teh stomach to induce a miscarriage....the list could go on for days.

Contact has been happening and increasing in frequancy and duration for the past 2-3 years. from 3 supervised hours to now being fortnightly staying weekends friday-sunday.

however he keeps cancelling. he cancelled thsi last visit because it coincides with his latest girlfriends birthday and he wanted to take her out.
other excuses have been that he was playing rugby, that he had no money ( i actually offered to lend him money so that the children wouldn't be let down)

just before the court case was ended he requested that he get the children for extra days over school holidays.

So today i text him to ask if he wanted to collect the children on the thursday of half term instead of the friday. ( he doesn't work) he has just replied with "no i will get them friday"

He did everything by the book whilst we were at court. made out like he was the worlds greatest dad, that nothing mattered but the dc's.

I have said all the way through that he was not interested in them, just in getting to me.
everyone told me i was projecting and that i had to put his relationship with the kids first. that it didn't matter about our history, just how he was with the kids.

Im so angry that i've been proven right.

I have never and will never slag him off to the kids and they have never heard me say anything negative about him, but sooner or later they are going to realise what he's like and that breaks my heart.

GypsyMoth Sat 10-Oct-09 22:04:21


i have one the same!

giddykipper Sat 10-Oct-09 22:05:10

My heart goes out to you Mamazon, didn't want the thread to go unread.

Strikes me it's a control thing.

Mamazonabroomstick Sat 10-Oct-09 22:07:18

but its been 5 years.
I don't even speak to him at handover.

I just can't see how he can hurt his children like this.
he would tell me about sitting at the window waiting for his dad to visit just for him to not bother because he was in the pub. telling me how devestated he was about it all.

how can he now do it to his children knowing and undertanding just how painfull it is.

needarant Sat 10-Oct-09 22:11:36

Sounds like he is so consumed with 'winning' that he can't think of the DC. It's all about 'winning' against you.

When a man is so blinded by his need to win, it can be at any cost, even at the cost to their DC, but the man will justify it to himself by somehow (although I can't see how) blaming the mother.

He will still lose out though.

I actually feel sorry for his current g/f. sad

needarant Sat 10-Oct-09 22:12:41

Just to add, he sounds like a very bitter angry man.

moondog Sat 10-Oct-09 22:13:12

What an arse.
Why doesn't he work?

Mamazonabroomstick Sat 10-Oct-09 22:23:49

because he is a lazy arse.

he currently claims some form of sickness benefit as he has been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder and associated depression.

he just can't be bothered which is the actual truth.

ronshar Sat 10-Oct-09 22:28:22

Its a shame he didn't go to prison for what he has done to you.

How old are the children. It wont be long before they decide not to go will him anyway.
Remain the adult, dont lower yourself to play his shitty games and then you will always be able to look yourself in the eye and know that you are better than him.
Your children know he is scum but they have little choice in who their father is.

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 10-Oct-09 22:30:45

I guess all the energy that most people put into working he puts into his all-consuming obsession of getting at you. What a sad pathetic little sociopath.

I trust you are keeping a diary of all his non-contact for future access cases?

Mamazonabroomstick Sat 10-Oct-09 22:31:50

Ds is 9 and remembers quite vividly a lot of what went on. far more than i would have hoped. but in his head it was all my fault sad

DD is 5 and thankfully we left when she was 10 weeks old so she only knows him as he is now, for which im gratefull.

at the moment he can do no wrong.
i told him he had to tell the children that he was canelling this time and to explain why. h]e said that he got his dates mixed up and that he couldn't change it.

the children have swallowed it and still think the sun rises as he bends over angry

Mamazonabroomstick Sat 10-Oct-09 22:33:10

to be honest i am half hoping that his interest in them will continue to twindle and he will just fuck off out of our lives forever more.

but i know how hard that would be on teh dc;s sad

ronshar Sat 10-Oct-09 22:43:51

Dont worry he will fuck up. They will see it.

Or he is a great daddy to them and any damage done can be repaired.
Your DS will learn in time that it wasnt your fault. He needs his daddy too.
That is hard I know.

HeBewitcheditude Sat 10-Oct-09 23:26:18

Because he hates you more than he loves them.

There's a lot of it about.

GypsyMoth Sun 11-Oct-09 11:20:32

mamazon...your story is so similiar to mine. my ex was horrifically violent,to me and the 2 girlfriends after me too. also diagnosed with bpd.

my dc are older tho,and have said they want no contact,so courts are listening,except for the youngest,who is 7.

i admire your strength at promoting contact! i really couldn't do that. my dd had to dial 999 on her dad....its madness

Mamazonabroomstick Sun 11-Oct-09 12:07:31

i opposed all contact in the beginning.

well when we first left i still took the kids to see him. but each and every time he would use it to hit me again.

when we got to court i said i didn't want him having any access.

initially they agreed but slowly he was given more and more contact.

when it was agreed he could have them i was gutted. i kept saying he only wanted contact to get at me.

but the children want to see him. and whilst it kills me i will do whats best for them

janess404 Sun 11-Oct-09 19:35:31

you should be glad that the time he spends with the children is reduced and not complain least they are safe with you

jamestkirk Sun 11-Oct-09 21:08:51

i'd agree with janess - as much as its ok to vent on here i'd be glad of him spending as little time as possible with the kids - not something i'd say very often but i doubt he'll ever be a good influence on them going by how he's treated you. they'll miss him of course - kids usually do - but they'll see that they can't rely on him and that theyre not a priority to him. they'll make their own minds up about him in the long term and know where they're well off.

you first post sounded pretty awful - am real sorry, hope the future is way better.

Booooooooooyhoo Sun 11-Oct-09 21:21:59

mamazon what a horrific experience for you and your children.

your x is putting his feelings towards you before his children and he IS using the children to do it.

unfortunately if the court has granted contact and he hasnt harmed the children then there isnt much you can do to stop it.

one thing i would suggest though is to stop offering money to allow him to see the children and dont offer him opportunities to come earlier for them.

he sees these things as him winning something over you.

if he wants to see the children then he would crawl over hot coals to do it and would be ASKING to have them a day earlier at half term. if he cancels on the children then let him explain to them. dont make excuses for him. the children need to know that HE is the one making the effort to see them rather than you making him do it.

i really do feel for you though as i have been through a similar experience although thankfully no violence involved.

cestlavielife Mon 12-Oct-09 10:54:11

is so irritating isnt it? my exP was in court desperate to see his kids every day bla bla -yet when he has the chance he doesnt make it eg sat could have spent from 0930 with his ds - says "i will meet him at 1130".

it's nuts and in court is all aout them 2winning" against you.

as they said - dont make excuses for him or facilitate his contact, dont lend him money. let him explain why he cancelling.

"they'll make their own minds up about him in the long term and know where they're well off."

- agree

Mamazonabroomstick Mon 12-Oct-09 17:30:17

I know that eventually the penny will drop and they will hate him for what he has done and the way he has treated them. But they love him and want to see him.

Everything i do is for their benefit not his.

I have told him i shant be offering any more additional days.

I only offered to lend him the money because he phoned literally 2 hours before hw was due to see them and they were all geared up to see him. It was purely to save them from being upset. he could drop dead tomorrow and the only impact it would have on me is to give me a heacahce from the party i'd throw.

NormaStanleyFletcher Mon 12-Oct-09 17:55:28


He is a twat

DH said he would love to meet him (only to cause the above mentioned party).

Mamazonabroomstick Mon 12-Oct-09 18:20:03

grin thank you Mr Fletch

jamestkirk Mon 12-Oct-09 23:13:25

the kids will see the effort you make for him to see them despite all thats gone on - and how often he fails to turn up whatever the excuse. i had years of it with ex and my kids are well aware of it now. they certainly dont hate her - and i'd never want them to - but they figured her out years ago without a single bad word from me and make little effort to see her now. is only when and if they feel like it - something she now has to live with, tho i dont suppose she's bothered.

the main thing is you are there for them, dependable, reliable etc. seems dull at times i know, but makes all the difference in the way they grow up. keep up the good work

yappy Sat 31-Oct-09 12:20:38

It's about control for sure, my ex used to do the same. He doesn't see them at all now. He just couldn't staned the thought of me having life when he had the kids

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