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aggresive towards teachers and other children!!

(10 Posts)
TEAINNEED Sat 03-Oct-09 09:30:02

my soon to be 4 year old started pre-school in January and up untill know he has been ok towards staff and other children tho i did expect this to happen before now, i say ok he really doestn interact much with the teachers and join in in the learning part, but he does love going,

I got a phone call to day from his teacher asking me to cum and collect him as he has been bitting other children and not lising to her he also scratched a teacher 2 days ago, also a few insidend last week which i didnt find out about untill today, i was asked if anything had happend at home that may have coused this behaviour to happen and i can onistly say on my side nuthing has happend to bring this on, im a single mum and he does have conntact with his dad which he loves doing every second weekend and a week hear and there he spend a week with his dad a fortnight ago and i know from what he tells me and what his dad tells me that they play the playstaion i ask what games he plays and all of them are either 12,18 and one 7 year old one, my ex used to play all day and thru the night when we were toghter and he says that it is educational for son to play it and its probally 4 5 hours at a time if not more, so when he comes back to me its routine time and rulles once again and he does not like it, ive been told by son he doesnt like me he hates me, he will bite me, kick me and get very angry at me and i mean angry when he returs from ex it takes a good few days to regain control over him but why has today happend? i felt mortified my eyes were full of tears picking him from pre-school. he was often bit children at playgroups ect and hitted and i really thought this had passed he is such an angry wee boy and i really am stuggilng with what to do, i really hope someone out there can help and understand me and my writing i really have just blurted it all out..

I have asked my ex to day and numerious other times to stop playing the playstation in front of him and not to let him play games that are not sutiiable for his age but when i comfronted his it got turned around on me and that it is my falt he is angry becouse we are sepperate (ex was violent to me thru words and threats) and that i wount get back together with him that is whats causing this to

iliketurquoise Sat 03-Oct-09 22:21:24

sorry for your situation teainneed.
i think your ex's behaviour is causing this. he is not looking after him properly, playing those games with him. what does he do else with him?
at home you need to talk a lot with your ds i guess. try to find out why he is angry. you can do this when you spending time with him. you mustn't tolerate wrong behaviour. i think there are many thread's in the parenting section about this.
if your ex continues to be an improper parent you will need to take action.
dont get affected with what your ex says. he doesnt look like a nice one.
wish you good luck.

TEAINNEED Sun 04-Oct-09 20:04:46

Thank you for getting back to me i really appreciate it, i agree with you i think my ex is the main cause of this behaviour 2, i asked him yesterday morning that the games heis playing is not sutiable for a 4 year old and to begin with for once he agreed and that certin games he wouldnt let him play belive me i was supprised i also asked that there be no playstation this weekend as the behaviour during the week was bad and that playstaion should be used as a treat for being good, so i asked that when he asked to play it his dad was to say that no becouse you wernt good this weekend so when i left to go hoem i left in quite a possitive form, but when i went to pick him up 2day i dilibrety went half an hour erlier that arranged to collect him, only to find him on the playstaion playing which is a pg game which wasnt to bad but when i asked how long heid been playing it he said about 4 hours, i just thought 2 myself what was the point in having the conversation we had and him agrreeing, he said that he doesnt belive its the playstaion at all and that is causing the anger. what im really cross at is he went against what i had asked of him and when i said this 2 him he said the rules he has in his house are his and i am not aloud to interfere with ask what else he does with him thats it playstaion all the time, one of the reason we split up was he w he would stay up till all hours in the morning 4 5 oclock in the morning get up mid afternoon go to work late come back 9ish at night and go back on it and smoke bloody dope all night he ended up gettting the sack as he wasnt doing the work or getting to jobs on time, so when he was unemployed it was even worse hed play it all day get stoned and to nuthing around the house not even help one bit with son i mean nuthing, he was the one who finished with me and i am the one who broke are family up becouse i wount get back together with him and that its my falt our son is the way he is arrrgg, sorry had to get that ut there...

cestlavielife Mon 05-Oct-09 14:14:16

well it doesnt sound like the playstation thing is new so if the behaviour is new it is something else....

playing playstation it self wont cause this behviour - it is the whole environment.

sounds like things are tense between you and the ex which understandable.

you can do some simple things with your child to see how he is thinking about things, have him draw a picture of his sfamily, of his home. see where /how he draws mum and dad.

have his teddies play school - or action men whatever characters - do role play a toy tkaing another toys things etc - how does the toy react? show him the appropriate reaction.

ask him why he hits/bites other kids.

the biting hitting being angry at you - prob he ahs picked up from ex something about blaming you why you are not together - something you can talk to him about, about having two homesetc how mum and dad dont get on but you both still love him etc.

all behaviour is communciaiton adn he is communicating he is a confused and angry little boy.

also, for small child associating one week long behviour with not getting playstation wont work - it needs ot be immediate, or use star charts during week. and it wont work with you asking the ex to deal out the pinishment -

you ahve to set rules in your hosue adn give immediate rewards for good behaviour - this is very important to reward every day soemthing he has done well or he has ate well or nicely etc...and have consequences for bad behaviour "today you hit johnny so we take away one star" -think super nanny type stuff, get some star charts going.

what he does with his dad is his dad's repsonsibility. but he needs ot know that mum's rules and teacher's rules appply.

ask health visitor about positive parenting /behaviour management for under fives courses in your area - they can be really helpful

you cant realy stop dad letting him play playstation - no point in seeing that as cause of everything. but he needs to elarn that you make certain rules and teachers do too - and you need to make a big thing of rewarding him every day for good behviour - rather than just focusing on the bad behaviour.

rewards and repurcussions for bad behviour need to be immediate ot have effect for a four year old. he isnt going to understand a punishment on sunday for something he did on wednesday before.

and you cannot ask dad to discipline him or withdraw treats on weekend for something that happened during his time with you.

if his behviour does not improve you can ask educaiotnal psychologist to visit him at nursery and suggest strategies of you can ask GP to refer for family therapy. you might need outside help to help him deal with waht is going on in his life.

above all -start praising and rewarding him (star chart - leading to eg a toy or treat) for all positive and good behaviour when he with you. every day think of something he has done nicely.

TEAINNEED Mon 05-Oct-09 16:16:19

Thank you there cestlavielife for the advice there, its sumthing that i have been doing with him rewarding him when he does something good but i dont think ive been doing it enouph..i like the idea of drawing a picture of his family and seeing how he draws his mum and dad also the teddy bear, toys etc i can see that having a good impact on how to teach him how to control his fellings and to let them out in a calm way..

Tho i still belive in the playstation having playing a big part in this his dad dindt have him for weeks on end and the minite he goes there and cums back to me its back to squre one the actions he is doing is the same actions and moves he is seeing in the games.
I also belive that as his dad and that son looks up 2 him that the playstation should be seen as a treat from his dad , dont get me wrong i do see your point that with a 4 year old what happens yeasterday is gone the next day and rewarding straight away, i think that i have let slip a bit with this as i just felt really as everything has been bad and that i was out of my debth i just need a wee nudge to remind me,so more possitive praise and rewards is needed by me.
one thing tho my ex as i said above used to play and still plays games constintly and with sertin games he used to play he would come off the games after playing for hours on end and be in a erie mood angry for no reason at silly things so agin i do think sertin games have a inpact on the mind if you cant control it and for a 4 year old sitting for 6 hours or more cant be good,but thats really another discusion i suppose..

Thank you onece again i really do appreciate your advice.

iliketurquoise Mon 05-Oct-09 18:38:56

i dont think the dad is a good role model and i think he should apply the same parenting rules.
he cant keep himm all day on playstation. why does he see him then? to keep him on playstation? he should take him out, etc..
agree with you teainneed.

TEAINNEED Tue 06-Oct-09 19:39:02

thank you i feel sumtimes as if this is all in my mind and im over reacting..i think that not feeling confident in my parenting makes me think that my ideas on parenting are wrong but yet i know deep down i have a point..

iliketurquoise Wed 07-Oct-09 11:29:32

yes, you do have a point, believe in yourself. there are some good threads on parenting section, you can get ideas from there, too.

cestlavielife Wed 07-Oct-09 11:43:47

i agree his parenting leaves a lot to be desired - but how much control can we actually have over what our exes do with our kids when they are in charge?

all we can do sometimes is make sure we are doing the best we can.... and counteract eg he only plays playstation at his dads house.

the exes unlikely to listen to us - if you can get him along to parenting classes too all the better.

or if you can have a meeting with school teachers together to discuss openly - but that isnt always feasible.

and whatever he promises - you wont be there to police it.

TEAINNEED Wed 07-Oct-09 21:54:59

very true i know i just have to accept that i cant control what my ex does with him its bluming hard tho knowing that my little boy is glued to a tv screen watching vilonce for hours appon on time..thank you ladies am off to go look at parenting section

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