Don't know how to handle this..

[sweetp27]

Hi,

I am an older Mum (coming up for 51 in January).
My children are now 21 and 19. It's been tough as their father left twelve years ago. He refused to pay maintainence and had no contact with the children and I was left to bring them up on benefits as I have been ill for many years.There was absolutely no support from anyone else, neither side of the family helped. They are now at University. My son is independent, full of fun, has a job and lots of friends. My daughter however is still at home,friendless and very dependant. I have asked board from her of £20 a week to help buy her food etc. I only get benefits for myself so it would help a little if she paid but does not want to.She is quite lazy and doesn't do very much and if I get on to her she just walks away and I get the cold shoulder. (Very passive aggressive).

I haven't been out socially for a tremendous amount of years and would dearly like to have a life of my own but until she becomes more dependant I can't see this happening.

I am very much aware that the clock is ticking for myself but if I chase her from the house she has no one else to turn to. Her brother won't tolerate her attitude. Can anyone suggest anything before I walk out because I am so close to it

[CarGirl]

I have no idea, I am struggling with my eldest as she is only 12 .

Shameless bump for you.

You are not unreasonable to ask for board/food money btw

[titchy]

Assuming she's not depressed (and she very well might be, in which case I'd say suck it up for a few more months, get her to either GP or University counsellor), don't do anything for her. No food cooking, washing etc etc. And go out - she's 19! Why on earth can't you go out and begin to have a life of your own?

Her brother won't tolerate her attitude - why should you.

I also assume she can afford board given that she's astudent....

[cestlavielife]

she is an adult - just go out... she can stay in house on her own right?

or does she have some kind of special need?

does she have a job? or gets benefits herself?

[sweetp27]

She has always been clingy..you couldn't go to the bathroom without her being right at the back of you. However her brother feels that she is capable of doing a lot for herself and I have seen this for myself so I am not sure whether or not it is an elaborate game..

She has nothing to pay whilst at Uni except a buss pass and food at lunchtime..She says she has no confidence to look for a job but when I was younger you got on with it whether or not you wanted to. I have been looking after myself since the age of 14 when my Granny died so I find the attitude bewildering.

I am going to try and contact a Counsellor at the Uni and see if they can help with her.

[cestlavielife]

you can pass her the leaflet for counsellor - if she shows signs of depresion - but she is 21 she is an adult!

you cannot call the counselling service and ask them to help her...

she can get herself to uni so she is more than capable...

just leave her to her own devices and get on with your life.

start going out every day so she has to sort her own food out.

get youself on a evening class or specific activity so you HAVE to go out on those days.

[OrangeFish]

Stop bailing her out, no cooking, washing or laundry for her, let her to find her way in life, it is difficult but probablyt the only way that she would learn to stand by herself.

I was never emotionally dependant on my family, but when they cut economical support when I started university, that forced me to find a job and cope on my own.

It did me the world of good, although difficult I learned that my destiny was in my hands, even if that sounds very very corny.

[alypaly]

hi sweetp27 ,im in the same boat and im 53. My boys are 16 and 21.One is at uni and the other just started 6th form. I know where you are coming from....no social life...ive been on my own 15 years...feels like a life time dosent it?

[Ivykaty44]

Your dd is 21, what can she do for herslef?

Can she look after herself? Cook clean etc?

Suggest your dd shops and cooks her own food, joins a couple of clubs eg drama or sports or gym to get her out of the house