Worried things can be used against me(13 Posts)
Try not to think about it as whats done is done, but make sure that in future you dont text anything that could go against you, don't get into slanging matches with him and just accept him the way he is and don't expect anything of him that way you can't be disappointed. Im sure you parenting skills won't be judged on something you ranted about when you first went through the split, might just be easier to do it here instead though
if he tries that game,then just say that you didn't keep the texts from him that you were retaliating to. say his back to you were worse etc....they can't be used as one offs and out of context....a whole string of consistant exchanges would only make it credible
they would show you in a less than complimentary light but it wouldn't damage yoru case in as much as your requirements for his financial contribution to the upbringing of his daughter.
It also wont have an effect on any custody/contact hearngs
look,why even bother with the texting? change your number,remove that option. see a solicitor and make all contact between you both go through him...
I use e mail with my ex. when he is unreasonable i summarise what has happened and ask him to stop. i am always formal and polite and it seems to work in helping stop unpleasant behaviour. and i do have a record of what has gone on in case I need it in future
If you stop him seeing his child and he takes you to court then yes, possibly he could produce these texts as evidence that you are doing it because of your own anger rather than in her interest.
But that's a lot of possibles and right now you need to deal with your own hurt, grief and anger. Get some help! Posting on here is a great start - can you access any counselling? Or - and just as good - get a few of your friends together and gave a few beers, and have a wake for your marriage. Acceptance will bring you calm.
You need to deal with it because your DD has been suddenly left without a Dad - she needs you to help her through it.
Go for email every time. (make sure you leave the address space clear though so you don't send it by mistake)
Whenever I get one of my ex's insane emails which generally send my blood pressure sky high. I type a response immediately to get it out of my system so I'm not carrying around a whole bunch of anger and stress. Then about 4 hours later I go back and write the sensible response.
My ex (fucktard that he is - I do get cross!) still attempts to use the contents of emails againt me in our long court case but all he's demonstrating is what an aresologist he is about communication.
Don't let him draw you into any more text rows - it's not likely that unless you actually use threats they would be admissiable or even of interest to a judge but why give him the ammunition?
Take it easy
This is obviously easier said than done but you need to keep your anger in check. Sending him nasty texts one minute then begging him to come back in another text just makes him think you are nuts and that he was right to leave you.
It won't harm any possible custody hearing if it ever came to it but everytime you send him a nasty text he's probably showing his friends/family saying "Look at how nuts she is. I was right to leave her wasn't I?"
What you need to do is ignore him. Pretend he doesn't exist unless he contacts you about seeing your daughter. The lack of contact will throw him and peveresely he will start to wonder what you are up to. Everytime you snipe at him and have a go, your giving him ammunition and justifying his actions.
Now for the really hard part. Whilst its understandable that you want to keep the family home, the simple fact of the matter is that you can't afford it. Not unless you change jobs and up your income but then of course who looks after your child? Sooner or later you will have to face the fact that you need to make some very tough choices.
You can try to stay whilst your ex is refusing to pay. That will increase your stress massively and unless you change jobs ultimately futile. Lets say you can even make your ex pay. How long for? 1 month, 1 year? At some point he will stop again and do you really want to leave him in such a position of power over you and your daughter?
Or you can bite the bullet, move somewhere more affordable and in time be comfortable in the knowledge that your ex has no hold over you and cannot control you at all.
hi, i think anyone can understand that in first few weeks/months you are upset/angry. but now is time to follow the advice and become the cool and calm person.
so from now on you give him no more ammunition at all.
set yourself some rules-
dont respond to any text msg/email unless it asks a direct quesiton or requires a response relating to your dd or to financial arrangements.
only give yes / no answers - no need to explain or justify anything .
get a cheap pay as you go mobile which will be the one you use for communication with him - so you can switch off and only respond when you need to; while your other phone is for your friends/family. if you can, change your regular number.
so you keep him separate from the rest of your life.
see a solicitor/CAB on the financial issue, housing issues, assess what your options are
see a counsellor to talk things thru - about how to deal with the split.
focus on yourself and your child - you are the sole adult now.
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