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history repeating itself...

(13 Posts)
notbusta Mon 21-Sep-09 00:53:51

Hi, I haven't been on MN for ages (and was always more of a lurker than a poster).
I split with XP 3 years ago after he was violent towards me on many occasions. This began when I was pregnant and consisted of threats and shoves to begin with but had escalated into kicks (hard enough to leave big bruises) and he also hit me using our son (who was a baby) on one horrible occasion sad sad.
I thankfully got out of the relationship before things got any worse. Since then there has been a very stressful and expensive court battle regarding contact. I have been repeatedly told that the violence 'wasn't bad enough' and that I 'couldn't prove it' and that "it doesn't mean he'll hurt your son'. The upshot is that he now has unsupervised contact with DS for two whole daytimes (9-5) a week. DS often seems to have done nothing except watch TV for the entire time he is at XP's, but has not come to any harm with him.

The reason I'm posting is that XP has just told me that his new partner (of 6 months) is 3 months pregnant and is moving in next week! I have so many fears about this that it's hard to even begin to list them. I'm afraid he's going to hurt her (I don't know her but wouldn't wish it on anyone), afraid DS will be rejected, or will witness some horrible scenes, and afraid that DS will bond with the new child then lose the connection if the relationship fails.

Everything is rosie (apparently) between XP and the new partner so far - but he describes her (for eg as 'quiet' and 'sensible') in exactly the way he used to describe me!
Is there anything I can/ should do or should I keep my nose out? And how do I protect my son in all of this?

By the way, I now know that XP was also violent in other relationships, prior to the one he had with me.

cestlavielife Mon 21-Sep-09 10:57:15

tehre are things you can control, there are things you cannot.

you cannot be responsible for this other woman.

your priority has to be your son. if so far he seems happy then just carry on for now.

GypsyMoth Mon 21-Sep-09 13:32:50

well this happened to me.

first new girlfriend after me,he decided they would play happy families. i said no. i spoke to ne gf on the phone,expklained its not her,but him,and the way he is with women. violent,contolling,abusive....3 months later i got an email from her,saying that he had beaten her up,she later sent me the link to her local newspaper where it had a write up. he got thrownw out of the army and put in prison as he was on probation for a driving offence. it was horrible.

he then met another woman,this one had 3 kids,and he moved in with them. i spoke with her on msn,warned her,told her everything. all very amicable,i liked her. but she eventually got told,after many incidents, by social services,that he should move out or she would lose her kids. they have split now.

these 2 didn't listen,but were treated to more violence than me. i have told the ex,i will tell every woman he is with about him.

ChocHobNob Mon 21-Sep-09 14:30:14

If your ex and his new partner's relationship fails, your son and this new baby will always be related. The two children could still have a relationship if you're able to sort something out between you and the other child's Mum. Your son doesn't have to stop seeing his half sibling if the ex's relationship fails x

As for the other stuff I have no idea I'm sorry

notbusta Mon 21-Sep-09 15:41:38

Thanks for your replies. XP has older children too (from before me and DS). I eventually found out that he had been violent to their mum. I understand why she didn't tell me but wished she had - I might not have given him as many second chances or got so sucked into believing it was my fault.
Think I'm answering my own question. Any advice on how to do this? (ie tell new woman). I'm aware it's going to sound like sour grapes or the ranting of a bitter ex, and I'm sure he'll have told her I'm insane (I'm not but that's how he describes all his ex's!)

NicknameTaken Mon 21-Sep-09 15:49:58

Have never done this, but I'd think you should give her the information in a friendly and calm way. Be clear that you're not telling her to leave him and that what she does is up to her. She might think you're insane right now, but she won't forget, and she'll remember when she needs to.

macdoodle Mon 21-Sep-09 22:19:22


notbusta Mon 21-Sep-09 22:22:04

Thanks again - good advice. When he started assaulting me it was so shocking that I literally couldn't believe it was happening. I think if I'd be warned I might have got out sooner.
I have never met this woman! Is going to be very wierd but I also want to ask her in a 'mother to mother' fashion, to not let anything awful happen in front of my son.
I really, really wish this wasn't happening.

notbusta Mon 21-Sep-09 22:22:48

X-post macdoodle! Why do you say that?

macdoodle Tue 22-Sep-09 12:35:44

Sorry was in a hurry just got 2 min again!
why not tell her....well 2 reasons really!
(1) Its not your problem really is it - I understand you are worried about your DS but why involve her in your dynamics with his dad!

and more importantly

(2) you will look mad! barking in fact! jealous selfish evil XW/P
trust me on this one it wont end well
I tried a nice kind way to tell XH new GF/OW how he really is/was
did she believe me - did she heck - because he had sold her the same crap he had sold me about his XW
so I just confirmed for her what he had said that I was the mad one/wanted him back etc etc

Honestly leave it be, she wont believe you is the best outcome, you will make yourself look barking is the worst!
Just let it be she will eventually lean herself, just try and be there for your DS!

GypsyMoth Tue 22-Sep-09 12:39:02

they didn't think i was barking. think it depends on how you say it,and wether he is showing these traits already.....most women pick up on the behaviour anyway,even if violence is not yet aimed at them.

mmrred Tue 22-Sep-09 20:32:28

What an appalling situation to be in. I think ILoveTiffany is right in that if he has displayed any of the traits she's more likely to at least think about what you've said. Certainly true in my case, although the reverse - DH's XP called me to say that he was violent and abusive, but as I'd already seen her slap, punch and scratch him (with no retaliation)I was fairly clear who the violent nutter was. 8 years later I still am.

Unfortunately as there's been a court process presumably he can show her evidence of you trying to prevent him seeing the child and then she sees them together and the child is fine (telly watching or not) so it would be easy for him to present this as just further vindictiveness on your part...

Also if the contact is now ordered and you think DS may now be witnessing violence and stop contact, XP will be able to go to court with the 'evidence' from new lady that you are just trying to be malicious, haven't got over him etc etc.

I think your DS has to be your priority. You should seriously consider whether making contact with this woman would hamper your efforts to protect DS. Does anyone know if the support groups for people who have experienced DV could help you raise the subject with DS so he is better equipped to deal with any potential situation?

notbusta Tue 22-Sep-09 20:51:26

Oh wow - you are all right in different ways. DS is only 3 and therefore not always able to tell me about his worries (or will tell me something randomly two weeks after it's happened). He is used to a very quiet life now though - either alone with me or with XP - so if they do start rowing in front of him I'm sure it'll seem odd.
This is a massive exercise in letting go of what I cannot control - just awful because I feel I can't do anything more to protect my son. I also hate that he's got XP as a role model, particularly given the way he treats women.

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