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Really scared, Don't know what to do??Any advice welcomed.....

(13 Posts)
niece Sat 19-Sep-09 17:08:04

Hi There, I've been a member on MN for a while now, but never posted on here.

I'm not sure what to do, so i thought i would ask you lovely people on here, and maybe make up my mind.

Here goes.....

I am a single mum of 5 children, My eldest is 16 and he see's his dad every weekend.

I have 4 girls aged 3-8 by my second relationship.

I split from my girls dad when i was 5 weeks pregnant with my youngest, as he started becoming violent.

I have been on my own since, which does get kinda lonely, but no one is gonna wanna be with someone with 5 children!

My girls dad moved in with a woman who lives 5 minutes walk away, and went on to have 2 more children now aged around 2 and 1.

I never stopped him from seeing them, he just wasn't interested.

Recently they decided they wanted to meet him, so i went to his house to see if he would meet them, Every child has a right to know who their dad is, (Even if he is a complete waste of space)

To cut a long story short he agreed to meet them, took my number and said he would be in contact.

Sadly he never did call, but instead moved to another town.

He has told people that he doesn't think my girls are his, and that he has asked me for DNA which i won't agree to.
This is absolute rubbish, as i know 100% they are his, (they also look just like him) but it's an easy way to make himself not look bad.

I am fed up of the way people look at me, as i know they think bad things about me, which just aren't true. I get so embarrassed.

I have stuck around as i have a fantastic friend who lives next door to me, we are more like family as i have no family of my own, sadly they died when i was younger.

She is moving to the other side of town,to look after her elderly in laws, and has asked me to move near to her, but my ex's family lives there, so i would rather not.

I would love to move away and start again, but my children are settled in school, so i don't know what to do, plus how long before the kids at school start saying stuff to them, as my ex is friends with some of the parents from the school.

Also i'm terrified of moving, and i have no idea where to go.

If you have managed to read all this, then i would like to thank you, and i would welcome any advice.


StewieGriffinsMom Sat 19-Sep-09 17:17:21

Message withdrawn

Hassled Sat 19-Sep-09 17:24:27

Yes, what StewieGriffin'sMum said. The only way out of this is to dish the dirt - no need for dignified silences. If there is anyone you can anticipate will be busy judging you, then get in there first and tell them what the score is. But this will be yesterday's news in no time - people forget, and there's always the chance you're imagining some of the looks, etc.

You sound like a strong, nice person who's done bloody well - I can't imagine being a single parent of 5. I doubt very much that I'd cope.

If you did move with your friend, how likely are you to actually see the ex's family? Are we talking same street, or just same general area? Could you move with your friend and keep the kids in the same schools? The friend sounds great - moving might be a risk worth taking.

niece Sat 19-Sep-09 17:36:43

Hi thanks for the replies, i wasn't sure anyone would bother getting to the end of my rather long message.

I have stuck this out for years now, and still people seem just as interested!!

I have kept quiet in the hope it would just blow over.

My friend thinks it would be better if i just moved, even though she doesn't want me to.

I know i don't want to move my son away from his dad, but i know it would be better for my girls to be out of this.

My friend is brilliant, and we are more like sisters. I know she would move with me, but her husband has a very close loving family.
He would never move.

I have contacted CSA, but they are useless.
My sons dad pays £9.10 a week, even though he owns a 3 bed house, and a brand new car!!!

They say they can't find my girls dad, and i have no address for him.

I don't know about being strong, you just have to get on with what life throws at you.
I seem to be getting lots of boulders being thrown!!! LOL

StewieGriffinsMom Sat 19-Sep-09 17:45:33

Message withdrawn

niece Sat 19-Sep-09 18:15:09

I should give that a go, thanks.

jamestkirk Sat 19-Sep-09 21:54:48

hi - sorry to hear how much of a twat your ex is being . sounds like he's just trying to dodge paying anything toward them now he has more - thats too low for words - no kids should have to live with that.

if you only want the csa to track him down they should do it by a national insurance number search. if he works or claims he has to give it - the csa can use it to find him and go from there. is up to you then how far you want to take the whole paternity/maintenance battle - and i expect thats what it'll become.

personally i'd be more concerned with the kids knowing their father - if in the future he really doesnt want to know them then they may aswell know what he is - and that you made the effort for them to see him (havent forgot the violence bit - am assuming you wouldnt expect him to be a threat to them).

as far as moving goes - is a hard one - to have something good to move to/for is one thing, just to move to run away from people who you think ae talking about you isnt so good. i've never taken much notice of the chattering classes i'd do whatever i could to stick up for myself and the kids. if that means going to the local MP then why not? the more support you can get the better.

iliketurquoise Sun 20-Sep-09 09:47:35

very good post jamestkirk.
i am assuming you are a man.
i wish you could know what kind of exs we have and mine is another story you cant belive.
it is nice to hear a good post like this from a man.
and niece, i am sorry for your situation, i hope everything will turn out good for you and for your kids, you deserve it and i agree what jamestkirk says.

niece Mon 21-Sep-09 09:43:49

Thanks for the messages, i have to agree with you about the csa, i have not really made an effort to contact them as i don't think any amount of money is going to make up for the fact that my girls have no father.

I know he should pay, but thats not really the problem.

I know running away wont help, but i feel my life is stuck in limbo here and i do fancy a change,but my kids are settled at school, so it wouldn't be fair to uproot them.

I would prefer my kids not to see him, but they have a right to know their dad.
I think now they are beginning to see what an arsehole he is for themselves. Which is good because i wouldn't want to be blamed for keeping them away from him.

jamestkirk Mon 21-Sep-09 22:54:21

niece - i think you've summed the situation up pretty well there.

just keep doing what you do and protect them from as much as you can. kids are fairly resilient but do need good, positive roll models wherever they can find them. they'll make their own minds up about their father as they grow.

at least they'll know their mums brilliant

jamestkirk Mon 21-Sep-09 23:06:14

oh and iliketurquoise - i am a man - and thank you, isnt often a woman thinks i talk sense

niece Sat 26-Sep-09 08:00:09

Thanks for the messages, i just thought i would let you know that i found a house, and i move next month.

The kids start their new school on Tuesday, it's not far from where i am now, but far enough fo no-one to know us, or their so called dad!!

I'm feeling positive about the whole thing.
I'm looking forward to a fresh start.

jamestkirk Sat 26-Sep-09 23:55:23

wow that was quick!

hope it all goes well with the move - happy new house

oh - and happy new life too

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