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coffee morning from hell

(14 Posts)
anothermum92 Fri 18-Sep-09 18:28:50

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poshsinglemum Fri 18-Sep-09 18:33:21

Oh no- I do feel for you. I am dreading all of this!
Honestly though- do try and hold your head up high. How do you know that all of these couples are happy? How many will be together in ten years time?
I know how hard it is to be the only singleton in a mass of couples but be proud that you were not fool enough to tolerate your ex.

anothermum92 Fri 18-Sep-09 18:44:12

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ChasingSquirrels Fri 18-Sep-09 18:51:27

hiya am92.

If anyone says "...your husband..." just reply along the lines of "... their dad, we aren't together...".

They might judge - if they they do then that is their problem!

One day at a time, I am sure they aren't ALL living in the 50's and there will be lots of nice people there once you get to know some.

Have you moved a way from where you were (your own social network?).

bronze Fri 18-Sep-09 18:54:00

Anyway even if they say my husband theres no guarantees that the husband is the father of your children. You may find out more as time goes on

anothermum92 Fri 18-Sep-09 19:02:16

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Niceguy2 Fri 18-Sep-09 21:28:28

Hi anothermum. I had exactly the same thought as bronze.

I know more families which are blended than traditional.

Plus I bet some of those couples aren't all that happy anyway and others will divorce in time.

So don't feel sorry for yourself. In time you'll find someone else.

MaggieBeauLeo Fri 18-Sep-09 21:37:01

I think I would have burst out laughing.

OUtside the school gates today I walked up to a bunch of women (who I do like, they are friendly) and today the talk was of entertaining and obviously couply dinners.. After a minute, one of them, nicely, changed the subject totally.

I sometimes feel a bit quietly and inexplicably superior to the whole coupley shebang though.. I don't mean to be cynical or even worse, snide, but the predictability, conformity and the conservatism........ I feel more comfortable being the odd one out grin. But maybe that's a bit perverse.. I can't help it. I find myself pitying some of them (not all of course).

I would love to meet single mums but I never do. Obviously there are loads, and on mn, which is great, but in rl?! where are they/?

bronze Fri 18-Sep-09 22:15:42

I meant the father of their children but I guess you worked that out smile

YoVicko Sat 26-Sep-09 12:45:36

Hi, I'd love to meet other single mums also, but don't know any. Particularly depressing situation at the weekends when everyone else is playing happy, lovey dovey couples. To make things worse, my DS goes to a Catholic school so I feel like I can't even 'come out' as a single mum. The perverse thing is that I'm not even Catholic it's my nearly ex-H that is - of course he's the one that left me. Are there any single mum groups out there in the East London region?

Solo2 Mon 28-Sep-09 14:47:02

Celebrate your independence! My starting point is different - being a single mother by choice from the beginning. Sometimes I forget that I'm different to all the other mums at my twin sons' Prep. school and then find I'm surprised if someone asks me what my husband does! Everyone else I know is in a traditional married couple. So I guess I'm a real oddity. I find that I almost automatically, drop into the conversation early on....".. and I'm on my own/ single too..." when I'm talking about raising twins and running a full-time business single-handedly. I'm always happy to tell anyone that I chose solo parenting but as my sons get older, I volunteer this less, unless people ask, in case my sons want more privacy now.

I know you're just at the start of coping with the divorce and being on your own but given the deceit in your relationship and your fantastic strength in being able to say no to this abuse and to separate, this shows you have it in you to thrive independently.

My starting point and the choice and control involved makes it easier for me of course - but there are so many great aspects to being on my own. I was chuckling to myself and sons, just this weekend, when I went from task to task - sanding an old bookcase with an electric sander, putting up some shelves with my power drill, then sewing on some name labels and making lunch - which we had at 2.45pm because we can and no one else can tell me this is too late for a lunch and we can eat what we like....and then I was also happy that my sons weren't being compelled to play rugby or football by macho Dads afraid of their own femininity - but I took them to their riding lesson instead and then later at home we were all dancing around to charts music and again there was no dad to say - 'be a man!'.

I love the fact that everything I've ever provided for my twins comes from me and me alone - my hard-earned money. I love the fact that it would never cross my mind that I can't use power tools or put up shelves. I love the fact that I don't go to pieces if I see a spider but am actually very interested in identifying different species and sharing this with my sons.

I find it amusing at times when other women assume I'm married or have a rich ex in the background. I love it that I am the mistress of my own destiny and don't have to conform to any stereotype of what it means to be a Prep-school mum / wife! I am equally happy with ripped jeans, covered in sawdust, in the garage or - a nice business suit - or some school-gate mumsy gear, at pick-up time.

Perhaps you could think up some catch-phrase that works for you, when at the start of a conversation with someone you don't know - like, "I'm staring the exciting adventure of an independent life, finally free from the shackles of a relationship that wasn't good for me - and it's great!" or "I've just let go of my now-ex- baggage and am enjoying lightening up!" - something that sounds light hearted - even though I know you don't really feel that way yet - and that gets the message across, so you don't get embarassed by people's assumptions.

Don't be ashamed of being healthy enough to free yourself from something/ someone harmful to you. Well done and good luck!

anothermum92 Mon 28-Sep-09 19:00:01

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kdk Tue 29-Sep-09 20:41:00

At my dts' school, most of the parents seem to be coupled up although there are a few (very few) single mothers ... and I have to say that, for me, going to the big fundraising PA event on my own was one of the most difficult things I've ever done ... but when I talk to the married mums, most of them do nothing but complain about their OHs so don't really feel I'm losing out too much!

annh Tue 29-Sep-09 20:56:42

What kind of 1950's throwback is this school in? My boys attend a Catholic school in a very leafy part of Surrey and, for the most part, I have no idea of the marital status of many of the other parents. I do know that there are lots of divorced and separated parents and no-one shuns them or looks differently at them. For one thing, there are just too many of them! Are you sure you are the only divorced parent? Or were you the only one brave enough to admit it?! At out school, many PTA events are only attended by one parent - sometimes this is because there IS only one parent, but often it's because one parent (yes, mostly the dad) is off on a "very important" business trip, or is ferrying another child to something. I hope that as time goes on you will meet some other like-minded parents and that not all the events are as horrific as this one sounds!

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