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How much contact do YOU have with ex-p together with dcs?

(24 Posts)
tvaerialmagpiebin Wed 16-Sep-09 16:12:46

I don't want to put too much detail in case of the Daily Mail. But I'd like to know what those of you who are on reasonable terms with your exes do together with your children, if anything.

My xp would like to spend more time with me and with ds who is 2.11 but I am not keen. I currently spend all day Sunday with them both, as well as an evening in the week. Whilst I am not too bothered I do worry that it is giving mixed messages to ds. Other people seem to view this as an odd arrangement. DS does stay at xp's one night on his own too.

What do other people do?

Scorps Wed 16-Sep-09 16:14:50

Just when he picks up ds1 from the door. I do parent's evenings etc, as I am the one who 'deals' with school. The other time we will be together is at birhtday parties. Ex and I get on well.

brightwell Wed 16-Sep-09 17:33:12

None....10 years down the line dc are 15 & 11. When he picks them up he parks on the road & phones the house to say he's there. He can barely bring himself to be civil to me at school plays, parents evenings etc. Any communicating he needs to do with me he does through the dc. I'll nab him for a word when he phones to speak to dc.When we split up I thought we would be able for him to come in for a coffee, have the occaisional meal but all too often he's been verbally abusive to me in front of our dc so now he doesn't come over the threshold.

mmrred Wed 16-Sep-09 17:34:21

Erm...my list would be 10 minutes or so having a chat in the kitchen when he's picking up/dropping off, or at his place (same thing)Have spent days out together but as two couples eg him and his new wife, me and my hubby. School events like sports day, as above, but school events like parents evenings, options evenings, just the two of us. Birthday events, all together.

Not so much now she's older though, as one parent is embarrassing enough, never mind two!

So long as DC get plenty of time with both, just do what you're comfortable with. One night contact doesn't seem like a lot - maybe if you offer more time for them on their own?

ItsAllaBitNoisy Wed 16-Sep-09 17:36:00

Why is everything in bold?

tvaerialmagpiebin Wed 16-Sep-09 17:39:15

I don't know why it is bold. It wasn't me, honest!!!!

Thanks for all your comments. XP has not coped well with us splitting up (although it was his fault) and I sometimes wonder whether I had better be out of the picture totally because he obviously thinks there is a chance we will get back together (hell, freeze over, etc.)

He would quite like another overnight but ds isn't keen.

cccccc Wed 16-Sep-09 17:52:51

all of it, so a couple of hours a week. Dd2 is only 3 months though. Ex lives in the same street.

I dont think I will ever trust him enough to have unsupervised access because he has family in China and he has been making vague comments about taking her and just today he was asking if he could have her birth certificate.

shelleylou Wed 16-Sep-09 17:59:48

simple answer is none for me ds and exp <<shudders at thought>> and none for ds and exp

floatyjosmum Wed 16-Sep-09 20:29:01

i have 2 exes, dad of ds who is 8 - we dont speak to each other and dont see each other - picks up from driveway

dad off dd who is 4, speak to him at least once a day, see him twice a week for pick up, have tea once a month at least, go on holiday together each year and do xmas together, split up when dd was 10 months and its worked really well for us like this.

ElenorRigby Thu 17-Sep-09 09:23:33

DP goes to DSD's parents evenings, doctors/dentists appointments and DSD's birthdays with his ex.
I think your current arrangement would be confusing for your lo and that your ex is blurring the boundaries.
Yes have a amicable business like arrangement with your ex for parenting time for your son but possibly keep jaunts together to a minimum.

just the 10mins or so it takes to get kids jackets on as only 2 and 3yo.

ex would like to spend every visit us all together.

but in his mind, i have not left.. just on small holiday and will be back in the old home one day hmm

mines is a loon. try to avoid being in same room at all costs as results and me shoving barge poles up his arse to keep him at arms lengths too these days.

mrsjammi Sun 20-Sep-09 17:58:14

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OrangeFish Sun 20-Sep-09 18:31:18

We used to bump on each other on different ocassions like parties, or days out with mutual friends. He used to invite me for dinner at least once a month, etc. This was a great time for DS. Meet at school for related activities, etc.

Now, he is in a new relationship and his new girlfriend didn't consider that appropiate, so as he needed to show her there was nothing between us I was getting a lot of rudeness from him when she was around. So, we are hardly speaking to each other right now. DS is picked up from school and returned to school. I think this is a disgrace whose main victim will be DS, unfortunately, his father seems it now as the only reasonable way.

mrsjammi Sun 20-Sep-09 21:39:48

Message withdrawn

OrangeFish Sun 20-Sep-09 21:51:16

I understand what you mean. Some people just think that there is something wrong about you, you were terribly selfish and divorced without a reason, or try to find proof that you actually care in a romantic way for the person you have left.

IME only the persons nearest to us, those who knew the in and outs of our relationship over the years, were the only ones able to understand a friendly break up.

mrsjammi Sun 20-Sep-09 22:01:03

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mrsjammi Sun 20-Sep-09 22:01:16

Message withdrawn

jamestkirk Sun 20-Sep-09 22:56:48

maybe 5 minutes a year - had this years' worth today - tho we didnt actually speak to each other. will keep me going till next year

Snorbs Sun 20-Sep-09 23:19:49

The only real time I spend around my ex is at school events. It used to be more but it became clear that the less contact I have with her the easier and calmer my life becomes.

tvaerialmagpiebin Mon 21-Sep-09 18:35:55

Thanks everyone for your responses.
It is hard to know what to do for the best.

OrangeFish Tue 22-Sep-09 00:03:31

GEt this book, it's really good: Putting Children First

tvaerialmagpiebin Tue 22-Sep-09 20:27:19

Thanks Orangefish - it looks good, will deffo have a read

rachyh85 Sat 26-Sep-09 18:34:09

cccccc - my ex asked for dds birth certificate (he is non-uk) so he could get her another passport. i said no, not until she is old enough to ask for one herself. i said she has a passport to go abroad, why would she need 2? (its so that he has one of his own) anyhow, i found out he just went and got another copy from the registrar.. apparantly anyone can get a copy if u know their name and dob. anyhow, in secret, hes trying for a passport in home country that i dnt have to sign for as im uk citizen and only 1 parent sig reqrd. telling u this so that u are aware.. oh, he also applied for deep poll to change her name, stupid man, but theres no way that can be honoured without my consent.

giantkatestacks Sat 26-Sep-09 18:37:33

school events - dinner every sunday with all of us (exp, dh, ds, dd with dh and me), birthdays, christmas, one holiday a year (not main holiday), drop offs and pick ups, occasional days out...

We find it absolutely fine but we didnt have a difficult messy split.

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