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Really fed up

(12 Posts)
popcorn123 Fri 11-Sep-09 23:14:21

Do everything- school/nursery/homework/clubs/swimming, 2 drop offs and pick up the 3 days I work - both drop off done by 8am.
Always did, even before I left ex. I pay for everything as well. He did nothing but believed he did alot and protrated the family man image to anyone who was interested.
He sees them when he likes. Protrays it as spending every minute he can with them. Hasn't seen them for 3 weeks excpt for a few hours when they were with his mums.
Phones tonight want to have them overnight tomorrow. I say yes fine as ds1 will love to go and I need the break and time to get stuff done.
He will put them in front of playstation. He mum will feed them and I will get a bag of dirty washing when they come back.
I will contunue to get comments from his mum about how difficult I am making her son's life (by leaving him and not runnung after him anymore) and how he is so sad he doesn'y see his kids very much.
ds1 started school 3 weeks ago - he hasn't been or even knows the location.

I am trying to get legal separation. He will not play ball. i cant be arsed anymore. Will wait until have been separted for 2 year (another 8 months) and file for divorce. I am stuck in orivate rented. House needs sold. Will probably not sell atm, ex expects me to do all the preparation etc despite not living there.

Can just about cope with work, dcs and looking after the house. Working on ds2 extremtly fussy eating, ds1 starting school, overnight getting out of nappies and lots of extra work sstress, with lots of work at home.
Can't be bothered dealing with ex, getting legal things sorted and getting house sold.
I have no more energt left.
Just want to get on with life.

Seem completly powerless about enforcing pattern on things from ex and some sort of committmented from him towards his kids. I am fed up with him acing the victim all the time when it was his abuse and lack of caring for anyone that caused the problem (he is a classic narcissist)

Wish I some guts to sort all this out.
Don't feel I have anyone on my side.
His mum tolerates me for the dc's but clearly blamed me for everything.
My mum likes to stay neutral as she doesn't want to lool bad in public. The rest of my family as great and support me but stay in the backgroun. My friends know very little of what went on and I find it hard to talk about.

Was actually feeling really good today and until had to talk to him! - now really fed up again.

GypsyMoth Fri 11-Sep-09 23:23:07

Tell him to take you to court for a court order if he can't be consistant. Children need the routine of set contact.

TwoIfBySea Fri 11-Sep-09 23:30:35

Right there with you Popcorn. My ex-dh is the same and frustratingly seems to live a charmed life which he enjoys rubbing my nose in as often as he can.

I'll be on your side! We ex-wives of narcissists must stick together after all!

If I so much as dare to make a tiny grumble I get accused of "not getting over" the fact that he left me when to be honest I am so glad he is gone I couldn't fathom ever having him back. I just hope not to remain alone.

popcorn123 Fri 11-Sep-09 23:40:55

twoifbysea - I would so much rather be alone that end up with anther one like him - I am too scared to take the risk atm hopefully one day I will change my mind!

Yes know I need to get something sorted - I am worried that he would get the standard NRP contact as I know he can put on a good act. While that would be great if he was a decent parent. Experience tells me that he will be late, leave the kids with his mum, bully and frighten them when they don't do as he says and disturb his sleep.
Then I will be back to square one with clingly children with poor self esteem. HTey are great just now. BUt I know the status quo is not a long term option for dc's and I need to sort it out.

TwoIfBySea Mon 14-Sep-09 18:48:59

That is exactly how I feel popcorn, the worry that I'd be lied to again, the one thing my ex was very good at.

Maybe one day we'll both be lucky and find really nice, kind genuine men - there must be surely some out there!

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE Mon 14-Sep-09 20:39:54

chin up ladies.

you've struck a down. everything comes around at some point.

you will be on the up again one day and he will have downs from this time when he is rubbing your noses in it.

your doing the best by your little families.

just remember that.

embrace the single life of doing what you want without your pillock exes having to constantly bitch and moan everytime you are within 5 feet.

time to learn to love yourselves and your own company.

maybe one day a nice bloke will come along... chances are soon as you accept you are enjoying not having a bloke... one will jump up and bite you in the asse without warning (not literally unless you like that sort of thing wink)

popcorn123 Thu 17-Sep-09 23:09:36

So frustrated with myslef again today. Phoned ex to try and get contact plan sorted. Hacan't committ to leaving on time d a plan in mind (thought out and hopefully reasonalbe) and was determined to stick to it.
He wants to see them every weekend after I have taken them to swimming lessons at 11am and bring them back at bedtime on sunday. That is not a not of time but it means that I do school/nursey homeworkafter school clubclubs on friday night. He refuses to take them to swimming (various pathetic excuses) but is completely refusing to see them during the week again with lots of work related reasons, no other colleagues are allowrf to pick up children and have to employ someone o The dc will spend most of the time at his mums anyway.
I wanted every second weekend so I wanted to do "nice" thgings and he could see them during the weeek.
AN hour long phone callhe has managed to see them most of this weekend again with none of the hard work bits i.e after organised acctiviites have finished. I wanted them brought back by 4.30 on sunday (or he takes them to school on monday) as they take ages to settle when they have been away and the little one is awake half the night if he is brought back just before bedtime - but managed to make me feel guilty about it.
So he gets what he wants by playing the victim and making me feel guily. I do want him to see them - I just want him to contribute t the everyday stuff as well not just pop into his mums when it suits him
Am so mad at myself ccn't stop crying. Seems all so petty when written down.

iliketurquoise Fri 18-Sep-09 17:24:25

maybe you need someone to back you up. maybe your family could help you by standing with you. its all to much for you to take in. he is sees you alone and plays as he wish.
i see it that way because i feel alone for every problem i face.
no one to support is so hard.

popcorn123 Fri 18-Sep-09 21:27:39

Have to learn to avoid any conversations with him - was doing well until yesterday. i still feel mentally exhausted now. when i think about it again it is so clear how much rubbush it is.
He goes on and on about never seeing his kids and them growing up without them but then cannot committ any thime ever mon-fri to see them with so many excuses. He lives and works 5 minutes drive away so thter really is no excuse.

I'm not very good at allowing people to help me which is part of the problem. My sister is great but lives 300 miles away.

your right if i spoke to him with someone else there I woulod be much better.
Think will have to arrange mediation - although he may convince them that he has the most important job/football watching int he world and therefore cannot committ to anything!

He knew I was upset last night -he will be loving it.

Try to communicate by e0amil but he doesn't reply saying there is a problem with his e-amil again BS.
Suppose I could send recorded delivery letters if I need to inform him of something (like school things) or discuss the kids.

mmrred Sat 19-Sep-09 13:55:00

If he can manipulate you face-to-face then you should definitely sit down, think clearly what you want, what you are willing to compromise on genuinely, not because he's pushing your buttons, and what you are no longer willing to put up with.

Then write a polite letter summarising the current level of contact and the problems as you see them (and make it completely matter of fact and emotionless)eg 'currently the children see you for x amount of hours per week/month however this is increasingly last-minute and unplanned.'

Outline your proposal, and a good idea is to offer two (or more) options. Then he'll be thinking either/or, rather then accept/decline (if you know what I mean).

Finish with a time limit - if it's not sorted by XXX date then you will organise mediation.

DON'T apologise, DON'T try to 'reassure' him, DON'T feel you have to explain or justify yourself.

And finally, please don't listen to people whose automatic reaction to all disputes is 'let him take you to court'. It's not a fun place to be, and certainly not for someone who has as much on their plate as you do!

echofalls Sat 19-Sep-09 14:00:56

I agree court is the last thing you want to be doing. agree with what mmrred has said above.

It will all get better with time

popcorn123 Sun 20-Sep-09 16:39:44

thanks mmrred -talking to him is what causes the problem as I always feel like I have been hit by a bus afterwards.

I like the idea of a letter and will try it.

I am hoping it will all get less with time - we are 18 moths down the line and no where near sorted.

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