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(19 Posts)
milkmonster Fri 11-Sep-09 22:40:31

Dropped off my 2 year old at her first preschool Nursery and another mum chatted to me briefly then gave me her number and address and said I'm welcome to come round for a 'coffee morning' at her house this Monday.

I'm critically shy and don't actually have a single friend, also I've just moved away from a violent relationship after 7 years so am feeling very insecure about forming new friendships - I feel sure people can psych what I've been through just by looking me in the eye! Also, she owns her house so probably has a husband (which I don't) and works (which I don't) and appears aged about 30 (which I'm not - I'm 40, so her friends are probably much younger than me too)and seems quite well-educated (which I'm not!)and I'm scared it will be like school again where you're thrown to the lions for them to decide if you're good enough for thier pack or not!

But I would like to make some friends. There will probably only be a handful of women there, maybe even just three or four, but they will all already know eachother. I will have my newborn with me as an icebreaker I suppose, but if all goes pearshaped I'll be so embarrassed walking round my village bumping into these women or in the park and they might be sniggering, "What a strange one" or " I didn't like her at all".

Should I take anything with me the first time, such as cakes or a small gift, being as this is held in someone's own home? Can anyone else tell me how they felt the first time they went along to one of these informal coffee mornings, hopefully like me amongst total strangers!


Wanderingsheep Fri 11-Sep-09 22:58:58

Ok, first of all, this woman obviously liked you enough to invite you round to her house. She probably saw that she had something in common with you or feels like you are someone that she would like to be friends with!

I really feel for you as, although not critically, I am shy too, but I try to tell myself that generally, people are OK and no matter what I feel about myself, I have to tell myself that they're not thinking that!

People don't know about your past unless you tell them.

Don't worry about them being younger than you either! I'm 25 (well 26 on Monday) and most of my friends are late 30s-early 40s. We still have lots to talk about though. Some of them are married, some aren't, some have been married a few times, own their own houses or rent. It doesn't matter!

I hope you go on ok, I can understand how daunting it can be with new people, but I'm sure they will be lovely and make you feel welcome. smile

Wanderingsheep Fri 11-Sep-09 23:09:04

Just wanted to add that I had to force myself to go to a mother and baby group. I really didn't want to go as I thought that it would be cliquey and I would just be sat on my own. In the end it was fine as the women were friendly.

I often find that being the first one there helps, as walking into a room full of strangers can be daunting. If you're there a teensy bit early you can make yourself at ease with the host, then when the second person comes in you're feeling a bit more comfortable and it will be easier for the host to introduce you to the others.

AnybodyHomeMcFly Fri 11-Sep-09 23:10:56

Do go! I so know how easy that is to say and hard to do BUT it will be worth it, I'm sure. I made myself go to an NCT group where I didn't know a soul and it felt a little awkward at first but it was the start of some good friendships.

Here's my take on what you've said:
"There will be 3-4 people there" - great, the conversation won't depend on you all the time and you can join in as and when you feel comfortable.
SHe has house/husband/job etc - well maybe, maybe not and even if she does, she obviously thinks you seem like someone she would like to know. Nice ppl don't only want to know ppl exactly like themselves, that would be v boring!
You will have your newborn with you - everyone will coo and ask you how he/she is sleeping etc, easypeasy. Also because the conversation will be mainly about kids, it won't go pearshaped - it will be things to which every mother can relate.

Take biscuits and go for it!!

ilovemydogandmrobama Fri 11-Sep-09 23:27:19

Think 'coffee mornings' are a bit of a warning that other people will be there rather than, 'come round for a coffee' which means it would be you and the person only.

People just talk. Mainly about their children. If you are shy, try and ask a few questions, such as, 'what do you think about the school?'

lavenderkate Fri 11-Sep-09 23:43:28

Milk monster, firstly; people wont know anything about you unless you tell them.
You will probably talk about the babies in between burping, changing etc, it's always slightly chaotic with tinies.
I think its a lovely idea to take a small cake.
I am sure you will have a lovely time.

Chuffinnora Fri 11-Sep-09 23:51:09

Do go. I've met some brilliant people through my children and they are now some of my best friends. Some are wealthy the rest of us are not, we are all different ages and outwardly have little in common. And yet if I needed to ring someone at 4am in the morning they would be there. Push yourself to give a little of your self and I'm sure you will find the time flies by. Having children can be such a bonding experience, like wargrin.

deepdarkwood Fri 11-Sep-09 23:54:11

Right, someone has picked you out of a random crowd as someone they like the look of
1 - be proud of yourself - you are putting something out there that attracts people - well done you!
2. You have no idea what her life is like. And if it's very different to yous ... so what.
3. You have a baby which equals instant excuse for anything - you are tired/hormonal.
4. I'd take some sort of cake contribution (ideally homemade for extra ponce points) or some nice flowers

And enjoy smile

lavenderkate Fri 11-Sep-09 23:58:03

deepdarkwood, I agree about the homemade cake bit.
A Mum I barely knew popped in when I had just had ds1 and she had just had hers. I'll never forget how touched I was when she handed me a homemade Tealoaf. The fact that she had found the time to make it, and for me, was so lovely.
we scoffed the lot over several pots of tea.

deepdarkwood Fri 11-Sep-09 23:59:50

smile I think shit home made cake trumps poncy shop cake nearly every time

Monty100 Fri 11-Sep-09 23:59:58

She obviously liked the look of you! Take a small cake or a little something for her little one and enjoy the experience. Its a great opportunity. Not everyone is brimming with confidence, the host probably isn't, and no-one else will be better than you.


Monty100 Sat 12-Sep-09 00:01:37

Oh, and you don't have to tell them anything you don't want to, just chat about stuff you feel comfortable with.

Have a nice time. smile

milkmonster Sat 12-Sep-09 00:24:35

Well, I wasn't 'picked out of a crowd' - I was the only other mum there, the rest had dropped off and gone already! It was her first day at the Nursery too (or rather, her daughter's!)

We only briefly chatted; our newborn's ages, both having just moved to the village, etc. Only about a ten minute convo.

Because I haven't had a real friend since secondary school (my boyfriends have always been my Best Friend) I'm totally out of touch with making friends with other women and because I'm shy and awkward, find it odd someone would invite me round so quickly. I once had a nice half hour chatting to someone in the playground, then when she left she gave me a copy of the Jehovah's Witness bible ; I felt a bit duped, as if she didn't really like me or want to make a new friend, she wasjust being friendly as part of her 'recruitment drive'!

skymoo Sat 12-Sep-09 01:18:18

I'm a bit like you MM. I don't have friends as such - just colleagues now. When I was a sahm I never really had anyone, but did get invited to such things as you, and went - although not entirely my cup of tea, I made the effort.

The woman who invited you is probably just 'nice' and that's all there is to it. No hidden agenda. She probably couldn't give a toss if you are wealthy or poor - just wants to be nice and make friends herself.

I've led a pretty transient lifestyle for many years and have met good people. It's not until (in my case) I was just about to move on again, that I came to realise how much these people meant to me.

Hang in there, and who knows, in time you could start to bond, find the right sort of person for you and come out of your shell. Kids are great tools for this. Plus it's handy knowing people as you never know when you might need them, and vice versa.

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE Sat 12-Sep-09 11:12:51

gosh... you have a baby and a 2yo... stuff the cake baking lark. just blooming well buy one.... or some mcvites digestives.

honestly... when my 2 were those ages it was lucky i managed to wash before meeting anyone when i was a LP.

i'm quite good at the baking stuff.. and enjoy it... but there's no way i would have had time for that.

or........ get your mum to make it for you wink make sure you stir it once and technically you did some of the "making"grin

ninah Sat 12-Sep-09 14:59:04

ah, it's a village
you are both new
and therefore on social trial for the next few years - bond and enjoy!
and don't judge someone you don't know, you don't need a husband to have a house and job (having said that, some of my best friends have husbands - ssshhh)
When I first moved here (village) I had big worries about being lone p, similarish background to yours, and consequently came across as rather less friendly than I did once I decided not to give a toss and jsut have fun
the hardest part (leaving and starting again) is done make sure the rest of your life is great, you have a new start and nothign to lose!

ninah Sat 12-Sep-09 15:01:31

lol at 'what happens there' - nothing satanic, honestly!
tbh I am not a coffee morning person but it's a great start to meeting some people

MmeProf Sat 12-Sep-09 15:11:01

From a purely cynical viewpoint...

You are a single mother of a 2-year old. There will be times when you need friends. Times when you need someone to pick up your DD from school.

Please do not overlook opportunities to form relationships. They will only ask two or three times before giving up on you. Unless you have family support, you need these people. And it seems that they are thoughtful and kind - bonus.

notevenamousie Sun 13-Sep-09 07:50:03

Definitely go, yes it will be difficult for you but you really need this. A newborn is a great thing to take! And some nice biscuits. This could be the start of you getting to know people as friends, like ninah said you have done the hardest part, now this is a big step in getting your life back again.

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