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At a complete loss as what to do and need some advice

(13 Posts)
Sian79 Mon 07-Sep-09 00:11:16

hello everyone

New to mumsnet so hoping for a little inspiration from the crowd.

A little advice goes a long way so they say.

Recently seperated from the father of my 2 angels (or devils whichever) 7months in total (and loving every second).

Work full time in hospitality sector late nights weekends all that drag (not loving every second but it pays the bills).

Kids visit Dad at weekend from sat morning to sun tea (while I work)

True to his usual useless self Dad has decided that the childcare element of his obligations is well and truly fulfilled and therefore does not have any financial requirements to fulfil angry

Didn't push for this for the first 4 months as he moved out of the 'family home' and figured he'd need time to sort himself out etc

However, as he is still not making any moves on this sorting business (moved in with mum) and is parading his new found financial freedom when I can barely afford to clothe the kids (they have shot up in one of those bizarre growth spurts that means you wake up one morning and nothing fits like it did the day before)

So asked him for a contribution of £20 per week (am I being unreasonable?) he works full time and currently has no outgoings at all

This week (3months after originally asked and not yet a penny contributed) he has decided that he will not be contributing financially at all bad times!!!

So here lies my problem:

I could resort to the usual CSA channel if absolutely necerssary but if I do he is highly likely to be akward about when he has the kids and as I work at the weekend and rely on this childcare arrangement this might be a major problem but on the other hand I am struggling majorly from a financial point of view.

What would you do hmm

GypsyMoth Mon 07-Sep-09 00:20:27

Tough one.

Have you looked on 'csa' calculator to see what you would potentially get? I'd weigh this up Gainst childcare costs whilst you work. If you could find childcare for those hours!

Maybe look at new job/working hours options?

Sian79 Mon 07-Sep-09 00:42:04

csa calculator says £19 (as have not put in the money he earns CIH) I would settle for £10 have tried this tact not working.

Work in the hospitality sector have managed to get myself quite high up the food chain in the past two years with the company I work for now and although the hours are a pain I love my job and have worked hard for the past 12 years to get where I am now I really don't want to give it up for the sake of £10-£20 per week, but for times of School uniform and Christmas and genarally making ends meet I really could do with the money as I don't have a lot left of my wage (the bulk of my wage now goes on paying off debts built up when he got made redundant and deceided not to start looking for a job for 10 months whilst I continued to pay childcare and rent etc etc)

I work a split shift on a sat 10.30-3.30/5.30-12.30 and a sunday 9-5 childcare is going to be a nightmare if he refuses.

If he did refuse is there anything I could do? I know that you can go to court for visitation rights etc but does it work the other way round?

I don't doubt he loves the kids and misses them through the week but I also don't doubt that he would refuse to have them if I went to the CSA..... but of course it would be me being unreasonable angry

GypsyMoth Mon 07-Sep-09 00:46:45

Oh dear, this is hard!

No court can make him see the kids I'm afraid. And really, it will get harder if he finds a new girlfriend,especially if he moves from his mums. Would she have the kids if he messed you around?
What about tax credits?

Sian79 Mon 07-Sep-09 00:54:57

i don't think she talking to me (or at least she hasn't in the 7 months so far)

She thinks it's my fault (or at least that's how he's painted it to her, I suspect he's neglected to paint the full picture of his departure to her)

thinking I might just go to csa and see what happens I wonder where I'd find a weekend babysitter?????

Why do they make it so hard when you just want it to be simple for us both and make it easier for the kids

GenuinelyNotATroll Mon 07-Sep-09 00:57:59

I hate to be pessimistic, but he sounds exactly the sort of prick who would immediately walk out from his job and only work cash in hand to avoid the csa. Then you'd have no moeney AND no childcare.

Sian79 Mon 07-Sep-09 01:12:20

hmm don't think i'd quite thought of it that way perhaps I'll give up on the financial contribution idea and take it back up when he's got something more important in his life than spending time with the kids (e.g. new girlf) and i have no childcare anyway so therefore nothing to lose.

being relatively new to this lone parent thing (although i wouldn't change it for the world) i'm sure this is just the beginning of a whole line of dilemmas

bring it on

GypsyMoth Mon 07-Sep-09 11:58:07

tobe honest,your job does sound a bit unworkable! with kids in school,when is your quality time with them?

the norm for contact in the courts would be every other weekend,and maybe one night/day midweek. this gives both parents the time they each need with their kids.

oldraver Mon 07-Sep-09 14:11:30

Have you sorted out your Tax Credits now he has left. Make sure HE isnt still claiming

Niceguy2 Mon 07-Sep-09 16:56:24

Hi Sian

One of the most important lessons I learned as a single dad was to pick which battles you fight carefully.

Of course you should expect him to financially support the kids and thats what the CSA are there for. But the reality is that they are shockingly useless.

So worst case is that you could end up in a situation where you don't get any money, he stops seeing the kids and you have to pay for babysitters.

Of course he's wrong and there is the principle of the matter. But principles won't pay for the childcare if he stops coming, nor will they pay for the bills if you lose your job.

If I were in your shoes I'd grin and bear it for now. keep the CSA in the back pocket as I have a sneaky suspicion that he'll get bored of being the weekend babysitter and stop anyway.

mamas12 Mon 07-Sep-09 18:55:20

weekend babysitter!
O oh niceguy you've been on here long enough to know that fathers are not babysitting their own dcs!

The rest of it is quite likely to be true though.
What a dick he is.
Ask his mother, give her the circumstances and ask her what she would do.
Can you ask your family
How old are the dcs, because if they are of the age where you can get a student or au pair type for the weekend that might be helpful and also if you manage to sort your own weekends out and then say to ex that he just has them alternate weekends now, he might calm down a bit???

Niceguy2 Mon 07-Sep-09 21:10:07

Of course they arent Mamma's. What I meant is that its probably the way he's seeing it.

mamas12 Mon 07-Sep-09 23:53:01

oh I see yeah you're prob right ...

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