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any single mothers by choice out there?

(21 Posts)
bluecarrot1 Sun 06-Sep-09 10:19:45

Hi, are there any other single, professional women out there who are at the end of there 30s and still going for kids? I am in early pregnancy (cross fingers that all goes well) and would like to meet women in similar situation.

900cherry Sun 06-Sep-09 21:05:45

Hello, your title and message say slightly different things!
Any single mothers by choice out there?
Yes - though not sure what you mean by 'choice'.
I am 37, so I guess end of my 30s...
Where do you live?

abouteve Sun 06-Sep-09 21:25:43

I was 32 when I found out I was pg with my DD. Although I didn't set out to get pg I knew from day one that I would be going it alone. So was prepared to do just that.

Hoped that he might have played the role of father, which didn't work out quite as I would have hoped, and there was a time that we could have stood a chance being together but that came later.

So I suppose I was a single mother by choice. That was 15 years ago.

What's your situtation OP?

bluecarrot1 Mon 07-Sep-09 08:03:48

I live in the Camden area. I am 39 and single and had to decide to do it alone all the way. Luckily, I don't have any ex who is draining my energy and of course I would hope to meet somebody and end up having a happy familiy.

At this stage I would like to find other another woman or single parent who would be willing to create a houseshare, where we can help and support each other. If all goes well, my baby would come in April next year.

abouteve, I am sorry I don't understant 'OP', you can see that I am completely new to this

abouteve Mon 07-Sep-09 11:20:36

OP mean opening poster, I think. There is an acronyms list at the top, don't think OP is on there though.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and for the birth. I can see how a house share with someone else in your situation seems attractive. I hope you find the level of support you want. Not sure you will find it on Mumsnet but hopefully someone will guide you in the right direction. There might be sites to help with this or even gingerbread would be worth looking up.

I coped fine, had to go back to work full time when DD was 3 months old, very limited maternity rights in those days, this was one of the hardest things. If only I had had the rights nowadays I would have coped so much better, I had quite a bit of family support which helped. I was earning enough to pay the mortgage and bills then help was available for childcare which was a godsend.

Later on when Labour reformed tax credits I worked a bit less so that I could collect from school, attend school plays etc because all of this is important to mum and child.

I never found the ideal relationship so am still on my own. I don't regret my decision in any way. Some of my friends remained childless waiting for the right situation, far better to have gone it alone than never. I'm so proud of DD I've brought her up well and she is a lovely young lady and a constant companion. I am aware she will leave home in a few years but I want her to have her own life sad

My one regret is the energy I wasted trying to keep him in the picture which was all in vain. Looking back I should have just let him be, but hormones can make you behave weirdly grin. Truth is I live in a small town and it was a dilemma for the future if I'd kept him totally out of her life.

Phew that was quite an essay.

oldraver Mon 07-Sep-09 14:00:46

H.. I am a 'single parent through choice'ie I took the decision to have a child on my own without the help of a partner. I was widowed and didnt want (and still dont) to enter into a relationship with another person.

I think there are more and more people like you described and how abouteve mentioned, coming to their middle 30's and not yet found the 'right' relationship but still wnating DC's. To be honest its not something that is really understood and still seems to be a bit of a taboo.

For me I found it such a positive step never one I have regretted. I know for most single parents its not what they would of wished so although most people do find eventually it works out for them (ie better than the crap and/ or abusive realtionship they were in) its still not their 'ideal'. IO think this is where the divide is, and I have noticed this on several lone parent sites and you are very definitely singing form a different hymn sheet IYNWIM

emmymum Mon 07-Sep-09 15:38:02

Hello, I know it's slightly off topic but I am a single mother by choice and after four years of trying to get the father involved he has finally said 'no' and 'never will want contact'. AboutEve, I was just wondering how your daughter coped without having a father in her life, did you find she had trouble or accepted it?

Good luck to you bluecarrot1, I found the first years when it was just me and my daughter lovely. I think going it alone is brave but I have never regretted it for one minute. The tough thing is juggling work but even that can be worked out with the right support.

abouteve Mon 07-Sep-09 15:56:15

We had some problems with it around the time she hit puberty. She wanted to get to know him and wondered why he had rejected her.

She knows who he is and his character and realises that there is no point wasting any emotions and energy so is fine about it all now.

If I'd have known how little input he was prepared to give I would have counted him out of the equation from word go, still at least I gave him the opportunity.

DD was around 4 when I gave up on the idea that she would have a dad in her life and it was liberating for me, however, it was a fews years later that I had to help her accept it.

bluecarrot1 Mon 07-Sep-09 16:34:24

Thank you all. This is very helpful. I know it is going to be difficult, that's why I need to find some good support.

Anyway, if there is anybody out there in the same situation, please contact me!!

spicemonster Tue 08-Sep-09 17:06:26

Hi bluecarrot - I'm in the same situation as you but my DS is now 2 and a half. I have never regretted my decision to have a child alone for a second and I am grateful that I am not banging my head against a brick wall trying to get a recalcitrant father interested in getting involved.

I'm in Camden too - not interested in a houseshare really - like living on our own too much but would be very happy to meet up and have a coffee or something.

Also I don't know if you know about the Donor Conception Network but they provide a lot of support to single mothers by choice and their children so it would be worth you getting in touch with them.

yippeeeee Tue 08-Sep-09 22:41:36

My DS is 36yrs old. His father took no responsibility for him either financially or emotionally. I brought him up as a single parent for a short time, but married and gave birth to two other siblings for him. I have a fantastic family. be honest and it will work out ......

Solo2 Thu 10-Sep-09 21:13:26

Hi bluecarrot

Have you seen the post on this Lone Parent board entitled, "Anyone here voluntarily hada baby and was single"? There's some discussion on there including from me - Solo2. I'm a choice mother. You can also access some more from me on the Multiples section under the title "What about me?" Anyway - I've got 8 yr old twin sons that I conceived via a USA Identity Release Donor (he's willing to release his name and maybe meet the offspring when they're 18 and we have loads of info. about him). I'm not in your geographical area and more than happy anyway, living alone with my sons. But if I were you, I'd not only get the contact list for single mums on the DCNetwork and also find out about one of the several local London groups for single mothers by choice. There may be someone there, who'd like to house share with you.

Good luck. It's incredibly hard - as some of my posts indicate - especially if like me you've got no family at all to support you and the children emotionally and know no other choice mums where I am, so far. But it's by far the best, most right, most fantastic thing I've ever done. So go for it!

Message withdrawn

bluecarrot1 Sat 19-Sep-09 17:18:40

Hi 'itwascertainlyasurprise' - I hope you will find some support in Birmingham. Unfortunately, I live in London. Have faith, all will be fine!

Thanks solo2, I will check the tread you recommended!

Spicemonster, I would love to meet up!! I was abroad a lot recently, but will try to contact you directly off the thread to agree a time and date to meet.

bellbottom Sun 27-Sep-09 19:55:21

Hi,

My situation seems to be exactly like that of abouteve's.

Became pregnant at a reckless time, hanging out with the wrong kind of guy, as I was hiding out from home truths behind drink and parties (was avoiding facing the end of a 10 year relationship with my boyfriend)
I knew from the outset I would be going it alone if i chose to be a mum. But I did try to give him a chance to be in her life after she was born. Waste of time.

I never regret becoming her mother. She's extraordinary. And I have surpassed myself in so many ways I never imagined possible. The love is overwhelming.

I do find it very lonely though, being a single mum. I sometimes feel like crying in playgrounds when I see dads making their children laugh. I just crave to share the moments with someone. I know what it feels like, as I've been addicted to the wrong guy since being pregnant. but at least hes great with my daughter, and that has drawn me in emotionally. It hurts, as I see her being happier too when she's sharing me with someone else. I see her staring at kids with their dads, and her personality seems to always open up when a man shows her attention. It makes me so sad as I can see that's what she's missing and what she needs. And me too.

I guess I feel I'm doing an amazing job. But I always end the day feeling inadequate, as I feel deep down that she needs more than just me. It's s lonely sometimes. Like today. Which is why I was on mumsnet browsing the forum.

Abouteve - I would love to hear more about you. And any pointers or advice would help. I dread the day that my daughter asks about dads. And the day she may want to see him. right now she's only 19 months.

I live abroad which is also hard, as no family here. And I'm just starting up an international single parents group, as a way of overcoming many things and being in a mutually helpful nd supportive circle of like minded people. Have had great feedback, and the first meeting is next week!

would love to hear from anyone that reads this. I can take directness. It would help. So if theres anything you think I need to hear, please go ahead and tell me.

Thanks!

Issy42 Sat 03-Oct-09 15:29:56

Hi bluecarrot. I'm a SMBC too. After 8 failed DIUIs including 2 early mcs and one successful DIVF, I'm currently 25 weeks. Although I don't like the 'by choice' phrase as my 'choice' would have been a traditional family life but I just didn't meet the right person in time and wasn't prepared to wait until he came along or settle with the wrong person. I haven't joined the DCN yet, but it's on my long list of things to do before baby comes and it has been recommended to me by others. I don't live in London either I'm afraid, but wanted to point you in this direction. It's a thread for single women on a fertility treatment support network website. You may find someone there. Good luck!

Claire2009 Sat 03-Oct-09 15:31:55

I'm a SMBC too, two children, was in a domestic violence relationship and got out of it, have been single since, Ex sees the kids 1-2 times per month and is pretty useless other than that.

june60sbaby Sat 03-Oct-09 16:32:43

I'm a smbn (necessity) I met my ex husband when i was just 16. He would always have 'moods' that he attributted to problems at work. Since found out more like problems with guilt during varios affairs. He became unbearable to live with by the time our now 10yr old daughter was 3. The cycle of abuse would be that I had done something 'wrong', he would punnish me by sulking/flying of the handle at a moments notice for 1-2 weeks then he would be incredibly loving and attentive until my next 'misdemeanor'. He refused to leave, as it was, of course, me that was causing all the problems. When my daughter was 7 1/2 the husband of latest fling found out so he told me and ex then voluntarily left. I have bent over backwards to make access easy for him, and until he decided he doesn't want to be with current partner, (the fling), we managed to co parent amicably. Now he is back to his old tricks with me-he has no money, he cant afford to live, his relationship broke down- and it's all my fault- apparently. So i have decided that a relationship is really not worth the hassle and abuse. I really dont think i could ever trust any one again. I can do what i like in my own home. My daughter and I are happy. I have a very supportive family and group of friends and I have no intention of letting anyone mess that up. (although ex is still pre occupied with doing his best- lets hope he meets someone new soon!)

embarazada35 Thu 25-Dec-14 18:44:23

Hello, yes I am! I'm 35 and twelve weeks pregnant by a man who says he can not cope with another child, (long story)and although my parents have kindly agreed to support me, I'm terrified at the prospect of giving up my job. Not sure how old your post is, I only just joined up to this site! Hope to hear from you soon /from anyone in a similar situation,

PurpleStripedSock Fri 26-Dec-14 23:14:34

Just chiming to say hi :-) I have a 20 month old and am currently 16 weeks pregnant with number two. Nice to 'meet' you :-)

girliefriend Sat 27-Dec-14 22:26:20

Hi all, I found out as I was pregnant after a ONS and decided to keep my baby knowing that I would be doing it on my own.

I won't lie to you, it has been hard a lot at times but the pros outweigh the cons because the pros are I have a beautiful, funny and lovely dd (nearly 9yo) that I don't have to share with anyone.

The cons are dealing with everything on my own, coping when one of us ill, coping when dd is upset and desperate to have a 'daddy' sad being skint most of the time. Last year I met someone who dd loved and it was heartbreaking when the relationship didn't work out. I feel a dull sense of guilt most of the time.

However on a day to day basis we are fine, dd is happy and healthy and I love being a mum. If I was in a better financial situation I would be tempted down the sperm donor route for another baby.

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