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Advice sought how to handle XP - I got a new job :) but he gonna throw a wobby :(

(9 Posts)
northlondonmumma Sat 29-Aug-09 22:05:32

Even though, he never contributed financially (and barely in any other way) towards the family when we were togther and certainly doesnt now we are living apart.

So, I feel very lucky to have got myself a new job. I was made redundant just before my second DS was born at Xmas...I wasnt actively looking but this just kind of landed in my lap.

The trouble is my XP does not think it is right to put a 9 month old baby in nursery and children should be at home with their mothers until they are 18 months at least.

That all sounds very little house on the prairie and stuff which is ironic as he was a very unsupportive, aggressive partner, spent all his money on puff and stella

When I mentioned to him that I would need to get a job soon, he told me to go on benefits instead. He said if I put our youngest in a nursery, he would "burn it down".

Not sure what his problem is as my new job is part time and very restricted hours and pretty well paid(as am quite specialised in what I do).

this means I can provide for our 2 lovely boys, pay the mortgage on our house and buy them healthy food, plus put them in a very nice nursery which I am very comfortable with...(the older one already attends and loves it)

He can be a lovely dad to the kids esp now he doesnt live here and has no resp and just drops in when suits him (assumin i ok this) - my 3 year old loves spending time with him - as he is like a giant toddler himself(tantrums included).

Not sure how / when to tell him. I find all the conflict with hime very stressful. Also no way to reason with him (e.g. showing him the nursery, explaining that 3 days a week there for a 9 months old could be a very strimulating, nuturing environment).

any advice how to handle this???

Many thanks

mamas12 Sat 29-Aug-09 23:16:15

Don't think you need his approval though to actually go through with it do?
Just carry on and wait until the penny drops with him. Your dcs are well taken care of and that is the bottom line NOT whether or not he wants you to stay at home with them.snort. I can see why he is your ex.
Tell him when there is someone else there and then son't have another conversation about it.
Hard yes but you don't have to put up with that anymore you are not together anymot=reRepeat this mantra, he cannot cotrol you anymore.
Good luck with the tantrums

mamas12 Sat 29-Aug-09 23:17:12

god wine affected spelling appalling

macdoodle Sun 30-Aug-09 09:38:16

I have the same with my XH - he doesnt contribute or help or consult me about his life at all when it affects the DD's. but expects me to keep him "fully informed" (his words) and consult him on all aspects of my life angry
Much sympathy - I too dread the conflict - what I do is tell him as little as possible just state it calmly as a fact, and DO NOT get into a discussion, if he is anything like my XH he cannot be reasoned with in a rational way!

northlondonmumma Sun 30-Aug-09 10:38:18

mamas12 thank you for replying and your empathy.

thank heavens for wine - lovely oaky chaddonnay from corner shop - eh my spelling got a bit affected too lol grin

sounds a great idea to tell him when someone else there. simple but one i hadnt thought have to find some poor soul - he he.

ppretty confident legally/morally he doesnt have a leg to stand on, its just the emotional mental side that am dreading

mamas12 Sun 30-Aug-09 16:38:31

Yeah been there.
All I can say, it does get easier for you to face him. He will most prob stay the same and you will move onwards and upwards.
Don't get into a discussion and always just state facts and put phone down or even better email him.

northlondonmumma Sun 30-Aug-09 22:14:56

Gosh hope gets easier. I wish he was on e-mail or even read texts - hate discussing things with him as if he disagrees he is such gard work! walks out, shouts and awful if kids experience this.

Macdoodle - sounds like they are from the same mould our exes. How long has yours been like this? I only split from mine 3 months ago so hoping he might calm down a bit

Cheers ladies anyway - so nice to get views from others here and sympathy

macdoodle Mon 31-Aug-09 07:42:38

Yup mine is the same - hate to admit it but hmmm we have been seperated over 3 years, we were on and off for a year after that, but have been properly split well over a year at least, and divorce absolute is imminenent!
He is worse if anything The difference is I am better at dealing with him - my mantra "do not engage do not engage" !!

northlondonmumma Mon 31-Aug-09 14:44:53

I LOVE that mantra macdoodle. That is absolutely my problem, I try and engage with him so for example would say "...but the job is shorter hours, the nursery is excellent and very stimulating etc etc" which all gives him air time. I dont know why but its like I feel I have to justify myself / prove that I am right but there is no point discussing this with someone with closed ears.

Good to hear that you learned to deal with your ex better. Mine still has this ability to wind me up something rotten. I suppose cos deep down I still have some feelings for him (well, the nice part of him that I fell in love with, not the physco part). Hope I can do the same ....

We have a bit of off/om action too although I know CATEGORICALLY I will never let him back into our lives again. i sometime think I should have a very short liaison with somone else just to put off my ex shock..ha ha

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