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DP has decided that he (might) want to move out. In termoil...coudl do with some friendly words from someone that has been there.

(24 Posts)
PleaseMrsButler Fri 28-Aug-09 16:44:22

He doesn't feel "himself". He has been talking about a timescale of years that he has been feeling this way .

He is depressed.

He wants out of his "life" - but don't know how long for...a weekend, week, month forever.

He doesn't know if he wants to go - I think he is scared that it will genuinely show he doesn't want to come back.

I spent all morning trying to avoid people at work because I have been sobbing my heart out. He apparently wants to stay very local so he is near DDs but doesn't want DDs full time. He is currently their main carer and so I am struggling to get my head around the logistics of it.

I keep thinking about next Christmas without him and cry
I keep thinking we have had our last holiday together and cry.

I am just crying and have been almost constantly since 8pm last night - with a 2 hour break for sleep.

I just don't know what to do next...emotionally more than anything. I am devastated. More devastated than when I found him in bed with my best friend sad

PleaseMrsButler Fri 28-Aug-09 16:48:14

Oh and I appologise that I may not reply immediately. I can't think about this stuff with DTDs around...I need to go and keep busy, and depending on what haapens by way of discussion after DDs are in bed I am not sure whether I will get on later.

ShowOfHands Fri 28-Aug-09 16:51:59

Oh my darling.

What help is he getting for the depression?

This isn't something you can sort out, nor is he in a position to make such big decisions while in the grip of this illness.

PleaseMrsButler Fri 28-Aug-09 16:55:39


He says he is depressed. I personally don't think he is that bad but I don't want to belittle it. He won't get help. I talked about ADs last night and he said no because it won't solve the problem...that he doesn't think there is an "us" anymore, and that there hasn't been for a long time.

I am annoyed that he agreed to TTc for #3 thinking it might "help"

GypsyMoth Fri 28-Aug-09 19:50:40

he may feel depressed ,but thats a long way off from true 'depression'!! this word'depression' gets bandied around too easily imo and the gp's will happily hand out pills without looking at it closely enough!!

how about looking a bit nearer home? who is your best friend these days?

mollyroger Fri 28-Aug-09 19:55:46

oh you poor thing, what a shock for you.

I',m not sure what you can do right now. You can't stop him feeling the way he is feeling. you can't make him better.
And sometimes not being able to Do anything about a crap situation feels worse than the situation IYKWIM.

Have you got any RL support or is it all just too much to share?

PleaseMrsButler Fri 28-Aug-09 20:16:44

My only RL support is DP sad

mollyroger Fri 28-Aug-09 20:20:46

how long ago did he have the affiar?

PleaseMrsButler Fri 28-Aug-09 20:22:34


It wasn't a full blown affair. One (possibly 2) night stand

mollyroger Fri 28-Aug-09 20:28:27

...hmmm well, with your best friend though...?
That's a lot of betrayal.

How awful that you forgave and kept going and then he has done this to you.
Look, I know this sounds really harsh but it doesn't sound like this man is right for you.He doesn't respect you and is not being fair. He has dumped this on you and left you to deal with your feelings.

I think you need to assume this relationship is over.

Is there anywhere you can go to get awy from him for a couple of nights?

I'm so sorry this is happening.

FarkinBarkin Fri 28-Aug-09 20:31:34

If he thinks he wants to move out then he needs to sit down with you and work through all the practical stuff. He doesn't get to just swan off and leave all the parenting and the finances to you.

He sounds incredibly selfish and full of "woe is me" rubbish to me. Leaving you in limbo while he decides what he feels like doing is also shite. It transfers all of the responsibility and the worry on to you while he wallows.

It's impossible to make any real plans until he makes his mind up. As an outsider looking in I would say that the first thing to do is to give him a deadline for decision time. For the sake of your DDs and your own mental health you need to take back some of the control.

Sit him down and tell him that you need an answer by a particular date (whatever works for you). Tell him that if at that time he decides to stay you will expect him to go and talk to his GP about his depression. If he decides to leave you will expect him to make a contribution to his DDs' well-being. If he is no longer going to be their main carer he will need to provide for them financially.

I suspect that he is setting this up so that you will be so desperate for him to stay that you will let him do exactly as he pleases. Letting him know that you mean business may well give him the kick up the arse he needs.

I hope things get better for you.

mollyroger Fri 28-Aug-09 20:32:31

yeah - what farkinbarkin said!

PleaseMrsButler Fri 28-Aug-09 20:48:43

TBH I am not overly concerned about day to day finances. My income is 7 times his. It will be him that is hit hard in that department.

Property worries me. We bought our house at the bottom of the trough. I am not sure I want the financial burden of buying him out.

ATM the practical stuff is the least of my concerns.

I can't (physically can't) eat. I have cried several times an hour ALL DAY.

My mind is racing with things like thinking about Christmas etc, an up coming residential school trip and a wobbly 8yo that isn't convinced she can leave me for 2 nights as it is....and it hasn't even happened yet.

PleaseMrsButler Sat 29-Aug-09 08:05:12

Thanks Confused.

This is part of the problem. As he pointed out the other night - I have no "real" friends. I have work colleagues and him. We have neevr integrated into the community here...despite being here 10+years.

I am not that close to my own family - I am probaby closer to HIS. ATM I don't even want to tell my own family - especially whilst it is a maybe situation.

He is my support. I am desperate for hugs. I am desperate for him to hold my hand as my friend and be my support (IYSWIM) - but he won't.

I am a crap daughter
I am a crap sister
I am a crap friend
I am a crap partner
And right now I am a crap mother too.

I have tried to tell him he is leaving me in limbo...and tells me that if he is pressured to make a decision he is going. He is giving me no reason to think he will stay. He is giving me no positives. But he won't tell me he is actually leaving. I am obviously gearing up for him to leave but can't finalise it in my mind until he confirms it.

Yesterday driving tound crying my eyes out I was kind of hoping that I would crash the car and then problem solved. Or at least 25% of the problem (because he doesn't want (full time) the kids either. I am not sying that I want to do something stupid but if somehting happened it would solve the problem.

One of the things he was saying lat night is that I don't offer him cups of tea any more (which is because I don't drink, don't get thirsty so don't think to offfer). I always used to take him a cup of tea in bed. I am desperate to take him a cup of tea this morning. Because I want to. Because I want to fight this. Because if I give up now I will know forever that I didn't try and fight this and wonder if I missed the oportunity to give him a reason to stay. I just don't want it to look like I am being false.

I need to find something to do today. I need to take DDs out for him. I need to givehim space. But I don't know if I can face it.
I need to tidy the house to give him something to stay for. And to stay busy...I just don't know what to do for the best.

Sorry it is a bit of a rambled mess of thoughts. MN is my ONLY support ATM and boy do I need it.

PleaseMrsButler Sat 29-Aug-09 08:23:35

TBH I want out (as in space to come to terms with this. I can't cope with DDs ATM but I can't leave them with ihm either as he wants a break from them too.

I am dreaading moving day. He won't (understandably) take them with him. I don't want him to take them. But I am not sure I can cope with them either.

PleaseMrsButler Sat 29-Aug-09 08:26:53

I just wish he had decided this BEFORE we had children.

He had definately recognised a problem before DD3.

From his description of what has "changed" it may even have been before DTDs.

It hurts me so much that it has been so long without bringing it up.

I feel like I have wasted years with him.
I feel like I have wasted so much of his life.

OrmIrian Sat 29-Aug-09 08:31:02

He sounds like a completely selfish git! I know depression can make things seem really bad but if he would just try them - then he could make decisions in a 'normal' state of mind.

So sorry please sad

PleaseMrsButler Sat 29-Aug-09 08:34:16

We talked about ADs again (briefly) last night. He refuses.

2 nights ago when we talked he was very open and we had a constructive conversation (despite not concluding).

Last night I gently tried to find out where I stood and he is angry/defensive/shutting me out. He expressed anger/depression/unhappiness about other aspects of his life last night that he has previously said makes him happy. That really worrries me on his mental health point of view, given that 2 nights ago this was 1 of 2 things that made him "happy".

PleaseMrsButler Sat 29-Aug-09 09:29:10


I am verging on telling him that I want him to go.

But I don't (want him to go).

I am just not sure what there is left if he has felt like this for so long - I still want it...but is he ever going to want it again? Can we come back from this?

Eve34 Sat 29-Aug-09 10:07:12

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. My other half did the same back in April. I was beside myself, like you the thoughts of christmas,holidays etc just ripped me apart.

There were problems I am not saying eeverything was A1. I wanted us to at least try. He came back in July, and to be honest it isn't the same.

The hurt I have on behalf of my son is not easing.

Give him his space, give yourself time, it is not easy but you soon adjust and then think more clearly about what is the right thing to do.

mollyroger Sat 29-Aug-09 11:11:28

Can you find some counselling? I am worried that you are dealing with all this with limited support?
You are suffering from a 'bereavment' and it is a painful process to go through.

PleaseMrsButler Sat 29-Aug-09 16:11:16

Well the decision is that he wants to stay and see how things go once DTDs get back to school.

He thinks that 7 weeks alone with them has sent him stir crazy, and that when things settle down again he (we?) can review the situation. It isn't going to change the fact that he doesn't feel the same about me as he used to though does it?

I suspect that the fact that I told him I was still in limbo means that he has given me the answer I want, the easy answer which needs no drastic, difficult to reverse decisions to be made. I doubt he has made any decisions at all.

I just want to get past DTDs residential school trip in October, otherwise I doubt DTD2 will go after the upheavl.TBH though the foul mood he is in today, the fact that he snaps at everyone and everything means that I will probably have kicked him out with no planning by the end of the day...

Thanks for the support. I guess I am still planning/expecting for this to happen one day in the nearish future, am still in termoil - but maybe I will be putting him on the spot....

mollyroger Sat 29-Aug-09 20:16:23

good luck x

PleaseMrsButler Sun 30-Aug-09 15:44:57

I have just told him I am not going to fight his decision. I will let him go without making it difficult practically or emotionally.

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