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Please help me stay strong

(7 Posts)
bodgejob Fri 21-Aug-09 15:06:59

I left exp just over a year ago . The relationship was what I have since realised emotionally abusive. Anyway ex has constantly been pecking away at me for the last year through solicitors, the dc, basically any way in which he can to control me still and prevent me from getting on with my life.
I have looked after our 3 dc, twin boys now 2 and 5 year old ds single handedly with him providing little emotional and financial support.
Anyway just as i'm starting to feel better and feel like my life is turning a corner ex is suddenly declaring his love for me and is around all the time . The kids are obviously over the moon but I feel like how dare he just turn up and start playing devoted father and husband after all that has happened.
What should I do now? obviously he is using the kids as a bargaining tool to get back with me . History tells me that we don't work .It took a lot of courage to get out of the relatonship and now I feel back to square 1. If I say I'm not interested he will go back to his nasty ways and the dc will miss out on being with their father.I can't go through everthing again i'm too exhausted.
Am I stuck with this situation for ever?

GypsyMoth Fri 21-Aug-09 15:10:39

no,you're not stuck with it,but you need to get tough here,and there needs to be boundaries

what is his contact arrrangements?

he shouldn't be just calling in,its your home,he doesnt need to cross the doorstep.

MrsH2B Fri 21-Aug-09 21:44:42

Hi Bodgejob. It sounds like you've been through a tough time and it's very important that you stay strong. It may be that he's noticed a change in your confidence and he's trying to manipulate you or confuse you. Don't play his game. I agree with previous post that boundaries need to be set.

I was in an abusive relationship and it was very draining emotionally. You are not back at square one, you've made positive steps to get your life on track and you've got through the hardest part by making the decision to leave. That takes courage and strength.

Would you be able to meet him somewhere neutral, with a friend present if possible, but without the children around? How would he respond if you explained that you want him to be a part of the DC's lives but his contact will be on set days/times? Try to be a little flexible and accommodating but don't put yourself out for him, make them your terms but in as fair a way as possible.

Stay strong, stay positive. You have the right to be happy and the right to live without fear of your ex.

Good luck and let us know how you get on. x

Nighbynight Fri 21-Aug-09 22:10:42

I agree with setting boundaries, and sticking to them too. Things will improve in the end - he will find someone else maybe. Just keep your courage, and if you know he isnt the one for you - stick by your conviction, and don't give in to pressure.

bodgejob Fri 21-Aug-09 22:29:55

Thanks everyone. I know that I have to keep the boundaries in place. He is using new tactics to confuse me I am well aware of that. I just don't want things to go back to being nasty, it is so draining ,but he thinks when I am civil to him he can act like my partner again and have unlimited access to the dc and my house.
Things were fine until we were forced to go to mediation through our solicitors. Ever since he has not stuck to the contact agreement making up his own rules and cancelling willy nilly.
It is so hard to keep him away its like I give an inch and he'll take a mile.
I just want him to be a responsible father and have the dc every weekend but the more I encourage that the more he is thinking we are getting back together then when I reject him he turns nasty and I hate being at war Im just too tired.
He hasn't got a place of his own either to take the kids to so overnight access would have to be at my house or his mothers 300 miles away.

MrsH2B Fri 21-Aug-09 22:45:43

If he's not keeping to contact arrangements agreed through solicitors you should keep a diary. I did this on the advice of my solicitor in the early days although contact has stopped altogether now.

Don't do it in a nasty 'slagging him off way'. (If necessary have a separate diary for that!! gringrin) Just literally write down the arrangement with dates and times each time something is agreed and if it's a no-show, record that below. Write down brief non emotional points of any phone calls/emails/texts etc made by him or you. Next time you meet solicitors, take it with you.

Try not to let him see any emotion from you and try to stay civil and calm when communicating. Keep in control and you'll be fine smile x

Nighbynight Sat 22-Aug-09 08:42:10

I do sympathise so much, and am going through similar myself.

Dont feel that you have to let him into your house. He is a grown up and a father, it is his responsibility to provide a home suitable for when his children are with him. Is there any organisation that could help him with cheap overnight accommodation?
Through the church near where we live, there is a network of volunteers who offer overnight accommodation to fathers from far away who are visiting their children. Could there be something similar near you?

Have you had advice over the frequency and length of the visits? Every weekend doesnt sound usual. Isnt the norm is more like every other weekend, plus half of each school holidays? Could you arrange the length and frequencey visits around the fact that he (or his mother) lives far from you, so as to ensure that he doesnt stay at your place?

It is very exhausting, and you really need to reach a stable point where you get some routine back into your children's lives, and both you and ex can live with the arrangements. Not at all easy, especially when your ex cant believe that youve suddenly developed resistance to his controlling ways.

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