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living on your own, just you and the kids. How do you do it?

(20 Posts)
lost4words Fri 21-Aug-09 07:47:51

I've been lurking for some time, this is my first post....

anyway - I've been on my own with DD for a couple of years. Exh has very little to do with DD, sees her when it suits him and lets her down often. I'm trying to find the right time to give him the ultimatum (see her properly or not at all), but am worried about him deciding to cut off contact totally (he has previous there). We don't speak, just text and over time the "relationship" seems to be deteriorating.

That isn't really the issue, but any comments gratefully received anyway!

the issue for any other lone parents (or partnered ones feeling like lones) is how do you cope with always being on duty? I don't feel lonely most of the time. I have good friends that I spend time with, I'm happy in my own company (was a struggle at first), have started seeing someone new who is restoring my faith in men, I get nights out when I can afford a babysitter, some Saturdays off when the ex sees DD (can't do much planning for those, though, because sometimes they don't happen).... but sometimes I am incredibly overwhelmed by the responsibility. Does anyone else feel the same?

sincitylover Fri 21-Aug-09 13:47:00

Yes I do I think one of the main issues I feel I have to deal with the is the overwhelming feeling of responsibility. I don't feel particularly lonely just a bit overwhelmed.

However would still rather this than being with exh.

I am sorry that your ex doesn't see dd regularly. Mine was (but also completely to suit him) but currently we have a major problem where the dcs do not want to go to stay with him and new p.

Phoenix4725 Mon 24-Aug-09 20:59:18

im bringing up 4dc on my own including youngest ds with sn and to be honest it suits me we do what we wnat when we want.Yes some days im so tired could cry if could find the energy

ninah Mon 24-Aug-09 21:21:52

I did in the beginning but have got used to it
at least if you do everything there are no parenting arguments, one of my married friends has constant grief with her dh about parenting their ds
I think you just step up and do it because you have to, and then it gets to be normal

brazenhussy Mon 24-Aug-09 22:18:55

It does get easier. I can be very resentful at times that my ex H only lives further down our road but is reluctant to help out more than his two nights and one day each week.

I do prefer it on my own though and would never want things how they were before, even though before my ex did more than 50% of the childcare.

Re the relationship deteroirating, IMO this happens to everyone ie it gets worse before it gets better. My relationship with my ex was good until I met someone else, now he is hell bent on making me unhappy sad

juicychops Mon 24-Aug-09 22:33:22

its just me and ds (4) in my house and i love it. he has no contact with his dad so i have 100% care responsibility.

i wouldn't want it any other way to be honest. i do get most friday nights off as ds goes to his great aunt's for the night as she loves having him so i have friday nights to myself. sometimes i will just go shopping, once every few months i will go out with a friend to a bar or cinema. i dont drink alcohol as cant face the hangover looking after ds plus i would need to get to him if anything happened.

i love my own company and am quite happy being alone in the evenings studying or just watching a film. also have a dp who i see a couple of evenings per week.

it is difficult sometimes and when ds is having a major tantrum i wish i was anywhere else, but i love the fact i can bring him up how I think is best and i dont have to answer or explain to anyone else my parenting methods.

notevenamousie Tue 25-Aug-09 18:43:40

I'm on my own too. XP sees DD when it suits him, every month or so on average.

DD and I have a lovely relationship. I am too terrified that I am going to be damaging or insufficient in some way but my friends and family seem very encouraging. My dd is a delightful 2.8 year old and I am so proud of her. But I agree that the responsobility is scary. I don't think my ex gets that at all - it is so scary but also - if only I could find it in myself - so wonderful to be free of the negative influence.

civilfawlty Thu 27-Aug-09 20:42:59

Constantly and relentlessly overwhelmed and alone and envious.

but also proud at the end of every day and week and month that we are ok. no, we're good.

dd is now six, and when she was wee it was so tough, but now she is at school, and i have got onto the civil service fast stream, and tough as it is juggling home and work and childcare and money and everything, i know its going to get better.

and dd is so brilliant - fun and vibrant and bright and polite. i know there are more hurdles ahead as she understands more and more about what an idiot her dad is and needs more. but i think she is going to be ok.

lost4words Sat 29-Aug-09 13:14:48

thanks for the replies - it's good to know that sometimes feeling overwhelmed doesn't make me a bad mother.

shatteredmumsrus Sat 29-Aug-09 17:09:08

im a new single mom and understand what you mean totally. I feel guity too if i just wanna sit down, I feel i should be entertaining al the time

alypaly Sat 29-Aug-09 17:24:34

been on my own for 15 years now with two boys. Have loved every minute of it without the rows. My guys have great respect for how they have ben brought up although i have to say. we have a very amicable relationship with dad and see him on all special occasions,xmas,birthdays etc.and he phones them every night. I paid him to go as it got too much....

startingagain Sun 30-Aug-09 23:59:12

I've only been a single parent for a couple of months now, but finding it quite tough. My kids are older (teenagers) which i suppose should make it easier for me. Not so much rushing around and entertaining etc.,

I find it lonely, they have such busy social lives! I also feel envious of happy families sometimes..... I had my family all round today for dinner but when they (and my kids) disappeared early evening i felt sad being left at homesad Two of them and a friend are back now so its ok now!

I even thought about trying to get back with ex recently, because of the responsibility issue/money/loneliness. That is stupid though because he is so nasty and vindictive to me i would be an absolute fool to do that.....I shouldn't even think it really.

I don't know how to explain it...but i just feel 'odd' in limbo really.

spookycharlotte121 Mon 31-Aug-09 00:42:54

startingagain I feel envious of perfect happy families but I have recently began to feel that me and the dc's are a little family.... we just dont have a daddy living with us and playing the conventional role.

I have a 1 year old and a 2 year old and am trying to finish uni.... some days the responsibility of being a mum on my own seems almost impossible and im not sure how we get to bedtime.
There are days where im so tired we stay in our pj's all day and eat beans on toast for dinner. Its hard doing it alone.... sometimes you just have to give youself a break.

you kinda get used to it after a while.

alypaly Mon 31-Aug-09 09:30:30

startingagain..my guys are 21 and 16 and i have been on my own since youngest was 1.5
The loneliness never seems to disappear and i am like you ,i am envious of happy families as i wish it wud have worked out. i am lonely too as although i have met someone he is more like a friend and i would just love to be wildy happy and head over heals.
it has been a tough ride looking after 2 boys totally alone but i tell you what.." i would do it all over again..it has been amazing and i now wish i had had a football team to look after"

MANATEEequineOHARA Mon 31-Aug-09 09:45:50

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with the responsibility atm because my ex has just died. (although he didn't contribute, he still existed).
But it can go the other way too, and be a great feeling to know that you are doing this on your own.

alypaly Wed 02-Sep-09 00:16:48

MANATEEequineOHARA sorry to hear of your loss...gosh that must be really tough. Seperation is a bit like a bereavement but without the person passing away. they are gone out of your life....and to be honest i still cry about the loss when i am feelin really low. I know its not the same as loosing someone through dying and i really do empathise with you. Its tough doing it all on your own, but honestly, its incredibly rewarding and fulfilling and i have never found it a chore or a problem. i wud do it all again as my children are my pride and joy and they have remained level headed throughout the whole thing. Just have faith in your own abilities

Lemonylemon Fri 04-Sep-09 14:45:28

I'm on my own with DS (12) and DD (nearly 2). Different dads - both have died, so no support there. No maintenance either. No nights off, no days off (except when I'm at work). No social life either - for me, anyway. No dating (too soon after DD's Dad died). But, the Three Musketeers do OK. We go out and about, have fun, play in the garden at weekends, have carpet picnics - just do our best, I suppose......

Overmydeadbody Fri 04-Sep-09 14:49:43

I love it.

I love living alone, I love the fact that I alone can make all the decisions regarding DS, I love the fact that we can choose what we do, just the two of us, without anone else in the equasion.

TBH I see DS as an extention of myself, to a large extent, rather as a seperate being that I have responsibility for, so am not even really consciously thinking about it all being my responsibility any more than I would think about looking after myself is my responsibility.

Overmydeadbody Fri 04-Sep-09 14:50:54

LemonyLemon, that must be hard for you all, having both of their dads die! So sorry.

Lemonylemon Fri 04-Sep-09 15:18:55

Overmydeadbody: That's how I see my two babies - I don't really think of the responsibility - just that we're all together, looking out for each other (to a certain extent IYKWIM) and enjoying life as much as we can.

Yes, the downside is that I lost my DD's Dad while I was pregnant and had to do everything on my own after that - sometimes it's almost like I have to be 3 parents - 1 Mum and 2 Dads!

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