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So exh has told me that his girlfriend will be taking care of DS when he is away and unable to be there in the days he should be taking care of him...

(16 Posts)
OrangeFish Wed 19-Aug-09 23:50:04

I have insisted that I don't need to have holidays from DS but that DS gets upset when his dad dumps him to go partying, dancing, in holidays or in work trips in the days/weekends he is supposed to spend some time with DS.

DS has told me that sometimes he is left with friends of the girlfriend so his dad and her can go out for the day, night and in a ocassion, I realised that he had arranged to leave DS for a full weekend with a friend of the gilfriend, while exh was going on holidays with her.

DS has a medical condition that needs extra attention, but what I have been told by mutual friends is that exh minimises the condition or doesn't inform whomever is caring for DS to ensure they agree to mind DS.

I am struggling with this, but recently he announced that when he is away, DS is to spend the contact day with his girlfriend. That she will be collecting from school and taking him back straight to school after the night or weekend.

I have insisted that if he can not see him, DS can stay with his mum. But exh insists that she will take care of him even if I don't want to.

I have said that I don't mind DS staying with her when he is married or living with her, but for the time being, she is to me just a friend and therefore not appropiate for her to take "parental" responsibilities with DS when his own mother can take care of him.

So... I can't get the message through. I'm particularly worried about the school time, when I wouldn't get a clue of who is DS spending the night /weekend with unless I wait at the school gates. I really worry about DS getting ill while his father is away and nobody managing to contact me as he will try to hide the fact that he is not caring for ds.

What can I do? Am I right not to allow the girlfriend to pick up DS? I have no guarantee whatsoever that his dad would be around unless he shows up to pick him up.

TiggerIsEisCat Wed 19-Aug-09 23:57:13


TBH i think you are well within your rights as a mother to not allow this!shock i myself would definitely not allow a person who i didnt know well to look after my child especially if the child has a medical condition that can cause him to be quite ill at any given period of time!!
your ex seems like a selfish sod and should not be allowed to just dump your DS whenever he fancies it!!angry i feel quite annoyed on your behalf and i really hope someone with more experience comes along to give better advice

xx ei xx

OrangeFish Thu 20-Aug-09 00:03:48

Thank you. I have thought of talking to the school to demand* that ds is not handed over to ANYONE other to either parent at the end of the school day,

But I don't know what are my chances. Hence the thread.

*Yes, excuse the strong word, but I have found the girlfriend walking out of the school with ds when I was just getting there to pick him up, and nobody had informed the school that DS was going to be collected by her.

TiggerIsEisCat Thu 20-Aug-09 00:24:50

wow!! she sounds like a right one!! how dare she even go to collect your DS when she would have known that you would be there!!angry i think you would be right to DEMAND that the school excercise their resposibility to make sure that your DS is picked up by the correct person and that you are made aware of who is collecting him when you are not able to!!

how old is your DS??

OrangeFish Thu 20-Aug-09 00:30:42

TBH I really don't blame her, she is only acting on exh's advice and lies. (ie. that day, he sent her to collect him even when he had told me that I had to do it)

Brad79 Thu 20-Aug-09 09:11:19

If I was in your place and my Exp was getting someone to look after or sons so she could swan off then I'd tell her where to go and they would be staying with me. As for the school thing my eldest is in pre-school and the only people that pick DS1 up are myself and my childminder. I dont allow their mother to pick him up as it will mess his routine up.

OrangeFish Thu 20-Aug-09 18:08:15

Thank you! always great to have the point of view from the other side. I was afraid I was going to be told I was being unreasonable.

Now the question is, can I just simply ask the school not to release DS to anyone but myself and exh, or should I present any document to avoid them just passing him to whomever that asks for him? (I'm feeling like complaining to the headteacher about they doing it in the past but I don't know if they would brush the thing of as not being their problem... hmm

Does anyone has any experience of dealing with schools in similar cases?

mamas12 Thu 20-Aug-09 18:38:12

You are well within your rights to ask the school. tbh there is usually a form to fill in on who's to collect the child.
The only thing is as ex is the father he will be allowed by the school to pick him up barring any court order to say otherwise.

SarahMac30 Thu 20-Aug-09 23:22:04

Hi there. It is all down to who has parental responsibility. I assume that your XP has parental responsibility (were you married when you had your DS?).
This woman does not have PR. You are within your rights to insist that the school should only hand your son over to either you or his Father. You should explain the whole situation to them and IMO it is something they should know in any case as his class teacher could pick up on anything he may be unhappy with regarding the whole situation. DOes he appear at all unsettled when he comes back from a weekend with your XP/his GF/her friends? Really he is not putting your DS first at all. Is there a contact order in place whereby your DS has to go to his in the first place? If so it can be altered if not then there is no reason why you cannot stop him going there if you are concerned about his well being. His medical problem should be paramount to his Father and from your post it would seem he is too blase about it to care. Put your foot down and make sure your DS is safe....if that means stopping his overnight stays with his Father then so be it! How old is your DS btw?

StewieGriffinsMom Fri 21-Aug-09 07:59:04

Message withdrawn

OrangeFish Fri 21-Aug-09 10:36:05

Thank you for that

There is no contact order yet, exh has parental responsibility but I'm the main carer.

Ds doesn't seem unhappy about being left with the friends or family of the girlfriend (there is the girlfriend's child who is also 6 and as they get along well, he seems to have good fun together. HOWEVER, DS often complains about not seeing his dad often enough, about his father travelling so often or mostly, about why he had to take so many dancing classes. (yes, I married an idiot who since we split thinks salsa is the centre of his life).

My main concern obviously is that I see DS unhappy and frustrated about the little time he gets to spend with his father, about his father ignoring him when he is with the girlfirend (DS insists that she ignores him most of the time) and, above all, about DS being left with people who are not provided with the medical kit or information on how to use it in the event of an emergency, when his father is not in the city and I have no idea where my son has been left (or if my contact details have been passed at all to that people).

I will contact gingerbread about this. Thank you for the tip.

sunfleurs Fri 21-Aug-09 14:52:20

I don't have much advice, my split is still pretty raw but I can tell you right now my dc will not now or ever be with some random girlfriend of ex while I am sitting twiddling my thumbs perfectly able and wanting to look after them.

I don't want to offend Salsa lovers but I used to run a bar that had a Salsa night once a week and that night always had the biggest idiots, middle aged men throwing themselves around the dancefloor, my staff hated working Salsa night and used to draw straws to get out of it.

At ds's school no-one is allowed to collect ds except a parent, I specified this on our contact form.

OrangeFish Fri 21-Aug-09 21:03:05

There must be some truth in what you say, his favourite place has now removed the highly popular Salsa night. I was told there was something fishy about some men attending the classes.

I have filled the contact forms and I'm sure she is not in the list, but the stupid teacher didn't have any problems in letting him go with her. May need to talk to the head teacher.

mmrred Sat 22-Aug-09 11:46:47

Wouldn't it be better to sort it out with the ex rather than use the school as a go-between? Mediation has been really useful for a friend of mine, specially when there are a number of issues.If the little one wants to see Dad more then it seems unfair to cut down on the contact, as some are suggesting.

OrangeFish Sat 22-Aug-09 19:56:44

The problem is, the ex says he doesn't care what I think, DS is to stay with his girlfriend (or whomever he wants) whether I like it or not.

It is not about cutting contact when DS is wanting to see his dad, is about reducing contact as he is not seeing his father anyway. (Hopefully making him more aware of his responsibilities as opose to so blase about dumping DS here and there)

I was looking to arrange for a court order which included a minimum number of requirements about leaving DS with other people (like ensuring it was for no more than 6 hours -due to his condition- and never overnight IF his dad is not in the city. However, as court is about to get involved reg separation of assets, I don't want to do it now, as I don't want it to look as if I were doing it out of spite (clearly, I'm not, whatever the circumstances, I really don't have anything against her).

We are past mediation, way past. Fortunately we have been reasonable enough to discuss what is better or not for DS, but getting his dad not to ignore what we both had decided is putting us against the wall.

NanaNina Sun 23-Aug-09 00:36:05

OrangeFish. There is a new book out that may be of help to you. "Child Contact Handbook" £8. To order from the Guardian newspaper call 020 7251 6575/6. YOu can probably get it from Amazon or (better than Amazon as they don't charge for postage) Useful websites:;

I'm really not sure about the pickup from school. I suppose your ex H could name his GF as someone allowed topick up the child. I think a headteacher would be reluctant to get involved in a dispute of this kind.

Hope the book is of help anyway

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