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do you have a child that has never met their biological father ? due to the bio father fecking off?

(39 Posts)
rasputin Wed 19-Aug-09 23:36:39

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rasputin Thu 20-Aug-09 09:05:10

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swallowedAfly Thu 20-Aug-09 09:13:05

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ChocHobNob Thu 20-Aug-09 09:16:48

I don't have a child in this situation but I am one myself. My Mum left my biological father when I was a baby because he was violent. After an initial attempt to get me back by trying to snatch me from my Mum on her parent's doorstep, that was it. Never heard from him again. He lived close by and I saw him once or twice. We also used to visit him parents, my Nan and Grandad, occasionally. My Mum's partner never adopted me but has been my "Dad" since I was 4. I've not known any different. I have no interest in finding my biological father or getting to know him. To me he just isn't worth it. I don't want to be disappointed again and I am very happy with the family I have and had growing up.

Not all people will feel the same in these circumstances and just because I felt this way, doesn't mean your daughter will. But I do not resent my Mum one little bit for not trying to make my biological father have a relationship with me. I know she did what she thought was best for us.

I strongly believe that it takes a LOT more than DNA to make a parent.

I hope that's of some help xxx

ladyofshallots Thu 20-Aug-09 09:18:04

I never met mine and it doesn't bother me at all now. I don't know that side of the family at all.

swallowedAfly Thu 20-Aug-09 10:00:39

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ChocHobNob Thu 20-Aug-09 10:12:03

I think it depends on the person (obviously) and also the circumstances. I think you might be more inclined to find an unknown parent if there was a chance they didn't know about you, didn't know where you were so couldn't contact you, tried and succeeded to find you themselves etc. But in my case my biological father lived close by, I even went to secondary school in the village he lived in, and he has made no attempts in 26 years to see me even though he could have quite easily. I KNOW he wanted nothing to do with me so I don't need to try and make him want to and possibly suffer the heartache that would come with being rejected as an adult.

Plus from what I do know about him, he would be a huge disappointment.

MuppetsMuggle Thu 20-Aug-09 10:13:01

Same here, he couldn't cope with the responsibility of being a parent.

DP is her daddy and she doesn't know any different.

ladyofshallots Thu 20-Aug-09 10:15:10

I don't want to find my father (in fact I know where he lives but have NO intention of going to see him) because he wasn't there when I was growing up, means nothing to me and could not possibly add anything to my life.

MollieO Thu 20-Aug-09 10:15:41

Ds met his once when he was 10 days old so I assume that really counts as never meeting him, in terms of having any memory of him. No contact with paternal grandma too, which does make me sad on what she is missing out on.

No wish for ds to have contact as I really don't want him to grow up to be like his father.

swallowedAfly Thu 20-Aug-09 10:39:34

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ChocHobNob Thu 20-Aug-09 10:45:17

Be prepared if you go for child support, there is a chance he will change his mind and want to be involved in your son's life "as seen as he's paying" x

swallowedAfly Thu 20-Aug-09 10:50:54

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swallowedAfly Thu 20-Aug-09 10:51:48

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rasputin Thu 20-Aug-09 19:14:27

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swallowedAfly Thu 20-Aug-09 23:30:26

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ChocHobNob Fri 21-Aug-09 09:35:21

Rasputin you sound like you are explaining it excellently for her. Children can be nasty. It wont last long. I remember in primary school running back to my Mum in tears because someone had told me my sister wasn't really my sister because we had different Dad's. It upset me so much but my Mum explained things just like you are with your daughter. It's only normally those primary age where children don't really know what they're saying and then when they get older, they aren't interested. x

By swallowedAfly
i know choc - it's scary, it scares the hell out of me - is that selfish?

I don't think it's selfish, I think it's a completely natural reaction xxx

swallowedAfly Fri 21-Aug-09 14:16:44

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nappyaddict Fri 21-Aug-09 14:22:28

Were you all in relationships with your child's bio father? I'm a bit worried as to what to say to DS when the time comes as me and his bio father weren't really - he was a friend and it was just a casual arrangement we had.

ChocHobNob Fri 21-Aug-09 16:33:41

SwallowedAfly, again I understand your feelings totally, but I also do think that as much as it might be selfish for someone to turn around and suddenly want to have a relationship with the child, if they can show they can have a good relationship, it would definitely benefit the child rather than the contact being blocked and them missing out on what could be years of getting to know their other parent. It's such a hard thing because you want to do what you think is right, you don't want your child to get hurt, but you sometimes have to take a seat back and hope for the best ready to break your child's fall if something goes wrong.

rasputin Fri 21-Aug-09 16:40:32

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TheWolfHasNoCommentForTheDM Fri 21-Aug-09 16:45:51

DD (2.10) has never met her bio father, and I haven't seen or heard from him since my first trimester.

Rasputin, I love the explanation that you gave your dd. I will certainly keep it in mind when dd asks the question.

I've kept photos/emails etc so that she can have the info when she's older (if she wants it). I've also refrained from changing my email address so that should he ever want contact he can get in touch.

JRocks Fri 21-Aug-09 16:46:36

I'm in a similar position to ChocHobNob, I've never met my biological father as he and my mother split before I was born. He was a bad man, really, as he was wanted for fraud and was up to all sorts of underhand things. I honestly don't feel like I've missed out on anything, and the man my mum married when I was 18 months old has always been Dad to me. I'm not particularly curious about the other man, and possibly the only feelings I may have had were worry that mum regretted having me or was reminded of him when she looked at me. With reassurance from her those feelings did not last long. It sounds like you are explaining everything in a really lovely and sensitive way.

Strangely DP and I have found ourselves in a related predicament lately - we have just been made aware of a 5 year old boy that he fathered unknowingly as a result of a one night stand. The only contact we have is the CSA, the mother has made no attempt to explain/contact at all. DP is in total turmoil about it all, aside from the payments we will need to make we have no idea what is expected of him. He doesn't want to be the bad guy, but genuinely doesn't know what to do for the best.

nappyaddict Fri 21-Aug-09 17:33:35

Well I call him the sperm donor but he wasn't meant to be one. How long were you with DD's dad for?

nappyaddict Fri 21-Aug-09 17:35:00

JRocks Has he asked for a DNA test to be done. I know they cost about £100 but if he fathered this child unknowingly and didn't find out about him for 5 years I would question whether it was true or not and think the £100 would be money well spent for the piece of mind.

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