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Is Ex's strange behaviour anything to worry about?

(9 Posts)
easytosay Sun 16-Aug-09 16:53:23


Just found out from my 3 year old dd that when she goes to her dads he immediately makes her get dressed out of her clothes and into different clothes. Then when it is time for me to pick her up he makes her put on the clothes that i sent her in.

He tells her they smell and they are horrible!

He doesnt have over nights and only see's her for a maximum of 6 hours a day twice a week.

We are newly seperated and waiting for cafcass to allocate a worker. I am getting more and more concerned about his behaviour and it is upsetting dd.

Is this just control or is he wierd?

What is it all about?

MegSophandEmma Sun 16-Aug-09 16:58:29

Ahh Exs eh.. <sigh>

My ExH does this also. Has done for the past six years. The difference being that he takes DDs for a week, three times a year to his mothers in Scotland. He gets them to dress in his clothes, coats and shoes and then puts them back in the clothes from home the day they return.

I think saying that the clothes you provide smell etc... is out of order, but I think if they want to spend money (in my exs case) waste money then let them crack on.

ChocHobNob Sun 16-Aug-09 17:14:03

I'm a NRP's partner and we have been discussing this. We were thinking maybe it would be a good idea to have some play clothes at our house for dsd to wear so she doesn't stain or mark her clothes sent from her Mum. If it was for something like that then I don't think it's anything to worry about but him telling your child that the clothes smell is not nice. Do you have any contact with him at all? Could you just ask him in passing why he does it as your child has mentioned it and the comment about them smelling upset her.

easytosay Mon 17-Aug-09 09:38:36

No, we dont talk at all. I have asked at the next court date if we could sit down with a third party and talk. I feel that if we could get to talking point then it would help our dd. I dont want her to feel that she cant talk to us both as if we cant talk to each other then this will only make her feel uncomfortable in the years to come.

I think he changes her clothing to make her his (if you see what i mean?) It is away of taking me out of her life for that little bit of time he has her.

He knows it upsets her and when i go to pick her up she is always crying where he is franticaly trying to get the clothes she went in back on to her. She doesnt understand.

I just feel that it is mean, controlling and totally unnecessary. If she came back with dirty clothes then i would just assume that they had a great day at the park or in the garden?

NoGoodNicknamesLeft Mon 17-Aug-09 10:12:55

Hmmm, the clothes probably do smell - nice, I mean, but of your home, or if you've hugged your child, of your perfume. Smell's a huge memory trigger and it may well be that it's really upsetting him. However, intimating to your child that the clothes smell in a BAD way is not on - that's laying adult issues on the poor kid and she shouldn't have to cope with his emotions as well as her own. I wouldn't get upset myself about him wanting her to change her clothes, but he needs to modify his explanations to her of why he's doing it. Unfortunately, I don't know how you can communicate this - maybe just by being very cool with it to show that the changing of clothes itself isn't bothering you... dunno, sounds weird. blokes don't generally have an emotional release valve <sweeping generalisation>, so they can go a bit odd till they've sorted their heads out.

floatyjosmum Mon 17-Aug-09 10:14:32

my ex had a tendency to keep any nice clothes and send him back in tat that was too small.
so i play him at his own game and send him in trackies (which the ex hates) cos i know i will get them back.

i wouldnt moan baout it (except for saying the clothes smell and are horrible cos that is wrong)
if they want to spend/waste money on clothes let them and at least your stuff is coming back

easytosay Mon 17-Aug-09 10:26:58

Yes, i guess so. Just found it really odd. She isnt there long enough to worry about changing her clothes. I also know from dd that when he changes her clothes he looks over her to check that she hasnt got any cuts and bruises. If she does (as most kids do especially when they go to nursery) he takes pictures of them. He emails them to his solicitor who then sends letters to me asking for explanations. All i can say is 'the cut knee was done at nursery and has been documented by them'
dd always goes in clean ironed clothes so if they smell nasty then he needs to contact the washing powder company!!

NoGoodNicknamesLeft Tue 18-Aug-09 17:06:14

ooh, the bruises and cuts photos thing is very serious. get onto your own solicitor about it. you may need to start keeping a log book of all cuts and bruises she gets. that's him playing very dirty. that's awful, so sorry for you, easy.

lassmichdochinruhe Wed 19-Aug-09 08:24:36

A male friend of mine does the same with his DS - the clothes and the photos of bruises. He doesn't tell his son that his mum's clothes smell, but does comment on the quality of them. Nothing but the best for his boy (he says this in front of his son - bit out of order). The boy has a complete set of clothes at his dad's house that he is not allowed to take back to his mum's. My friend sees it as a way of helping his son distinguish between home with his mum and home with his dad (as if the son would be too dense to notice the difference hmm ). Personally, I see it as a control thing and a dig at his ex.

He always checks his son for cuts and bruises. He justifies it as wanting to make sure his son isn't being mistreated by any of his ex's new partners. Again it's a control thing, I'm sure. I can kind of see the justification for a quick once-over, but anything else is too much.

Your ex seems to be playing dirty and in a way that is upsetting for your DD. All you can do is keep your own documentary evidence. The solicitor will be acting on your ex's instructions in sending a letter - hopefully a judge would be able to see through it. But best to have your own evidence just in case.

My ex kept evidence of my DD's "injuries" incurred while she was in my care. Including sending solicitor's letters. This continued until she got a nasty head injury while at his place. He doesn't do the clothes thing, though. Too tight to buy her any extra. His latest thing is to refuse to let her ring me when he does deign to spend time with her and not pick up his phone if I ring. Fortunately my DD is old enough to see he is playing silly b*ggers.

sorry this has turned into a bit of an essay.

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