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I hate handover time:(

(8 Posts)
StillNorks Sat 15-Aug-09 15:03:16

H and I can normally be quite civil to each other, but he always seem to get nasty around hanover time with the DC. They are young and always cry kick and scream, it leaves me upset and in tears.
The result of this is H gets cross with me and I end up coming indoors once they have gone and having a large glass of wine.
Today H came back as in the chaos he had forgotten their shoes, and found me sitting with a glass of wine, he then became verbally horrid, saying now he knows why I am so keen to get rid of them all at visit time no matter how upset they are
I hate it, have even considered folding and letting him back i my life, so I don't need to go through this every week.
I just want the strength to get through this whole process and tbh it is this handover stuff that it making me weaker

mrsmortenharket Sat 15-Aug-09 15:16:05

oh sweetheart ((((((((((()))))))))

please don't fold, there is/are reason(s) why he is your x. handover is a difficult time (i am lp too) is there anyone else who could do this for you?

StillNorks Sat 15-Aug-09 15:28:08

He would refuse to have a handover if anyone else was here, I arranged for my DSIS to be here once and he gave me so much crap about it, I just feel like he thinks its a breeze in the park for me, yes I need my space, but more than that I want him to spend time with his DC.

I never believed it would be this hard, I am going away on my own for a weekend over the bank holiday, as it would have been our 10 yr wedding ann, and I really don't want to be around the house or Dc. When we have discussed it he got upset and said he hoped we would spend the day togetherhmm

I don't want to fold but it really is getting too much

mrsmortenharket Sat 15-Aug-09 15:44:35

gordon bennett. he is a control freak, i am sorry to say it like that but he sounds exactly like my x. have you noticed that he does it more when he thinks you're standing up for yourself? he has no right over you sweetheart, it is your life and the sooner he realises it the better. if you do go back (and i wouldn't judge you if you did) you need to be sure that he will change (and i'm sorry to say that men like him rarely do if ever.) i read somewhere that people who try and be queen bee do so out of a sense of self-inadequacy and are basically bullies (who are weak people).

i would suggest you stick to your guns about other people at handover, if he disagrees then it's his problem. x's will very rarely agree with what you say (without them being doormats either) until they realise it's for the benefit of the children, ime they are like they are purely to cause as much inconvenience and awkwardness for you as possible.

i would aslo tentatively suggest that, if you can, also use a handover diary and contatc a solicitor. most have free consultations and you may (i don't know your background) be able to qualify for legal aid. this would then help you in the sense that you know where you stand legally.

i am very sorry but i am on a library pc and the time is running out, please do keep in touch and i will post again monday. please keep posting and other mner's will tlak to you too.

you aren't alone sweetheart xxxx

StillNorks Sat 15-Aug-09 15:58:49

Thanks MMH, there is an awful lot of history, and you are right as soon as I back off and get strong, he becomes very nice, loving even, as soon as we are making headway to reconcilliation he backs right off and gets even more controlling.

I am still grieving for my marriage and until I have the space to do that I am not sure I will be able to be less affected by these interactions.

BTW he has just rung to apologise for his behaviour, told me he loves me and to have a good weekend.

I just need to sleep so it all goes away

ChocHobNob Sun 16-Aug-09 17:18:13

Oh how awful for him to add to your upset at saying goodbye. If I was you I would organise for someone else to do the handovers and have no contact with him if possible, then you don't have to listen to his hurtful comments. x

queenofdenial2009 Mon 17-Aug-09 20:42:32

I agree, have someone there or get someone else to do it. It's not helping your DC this way either.

Also that phoning and apologising plus saying he loves you is all part of the cycle of emotional abuse. Look up some of the threads on here or on the web and you'll see the games he's playing with you.

I feel for you, it sounds horrible. You're right, you do need space and time to deal with this.

mrsmortenharket Wed 19-Aug-09 13:41:18

hi sn, sorry i couldn't post before.
hows you today? ((((((((((())))))))) xx
i agree that the phoning you saying he loves you is, unfortunately, part of the emotional abuse that x's like yours, mine and so many others weill use is thta they know if they say 'i love you', it will draw you back to them. it's not nice to hear it wondering if it's just a ploy or the truth and that's also part of it - playing mind games to keep you unsettled. i do hope you are ok xx

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