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Not sure if exp should be seeing dd or not, help!!!!

(15 Posts)
waitingforbetterdays Mon 03-Aug-09 22:18:14

Exp and I have always been on and off breaking up alot. He has been violent in the past and as a result did not see dd for months.

Recently we tried to work things out and were trying to get back together, but it was not going well, so we have broken up again, and I am not letting him see dd at the moment but have agreed to go to mediation and let him have supervised contact when his solicitor makes the arrangements.

The reason I do not want to let him have dd alone is because when we have problems because of our relationship he acts irrionational.

Also he keeps saying I have control over dd and that should not be the case, he should be able to see her when he likes and not have to ask my permission.

He says things to me like, I stopped him from seeing dd for a long time and how would I feel if he did it to me? So I sometimes feel this could be a threat that he would take her away.

I am not sure if I am doing the right thing or not, but because he acts in a really strange way sometimes, I feel I am better to be safe then sorry. Even if there is the smallest chance he could take dd away from me it is not worth the risk.

Also when ever we have not been together and he was seeing dd alone, he has always been unreilable. Not turning up on time or not atall. And never wanting to commit to days. Then at the last minute asking to have dd and getting annoyed if I say no, as he says she is his daughter and not just mine.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 03-Aug-09 22:22:48

Get some good legal advice quickly and insist on supervised contact. You won;t have a problem getting it as he has been violent in the past and is behaving erratically now.
Men like him often threaten to take the DC away, go to court and 'get custody' etc - it;'s all bullshit. The courts will not give custody to a parent who is erratic, violent and unreliable unless the other parent (ie you) is even more erratic and violent or a hopeless alcoholic or something similar.
Remember that violent abusive men lose the right to be treated like ordinary nice people, they lose the right to get their own way all the time and this is ALL THEIR OWN FAULT. Don't feel guilty about protecting your DD from his unreasonable behaviour. If he has changed and wants to be a good dad he will accept supervised contact and jump through every hoop going over a long period of time to prove that he is capable of being a good dad - most men like him don't bother to do anything more than harass their XPs with vague threats of court action and tiresome texts and emails.

Spero Mon 03-Aug-09 22:31:30

agree with SGB, he doesn't sound like good news. a lot of men in this position seem to have great difficulty in conforming to a timetable which isn't one they decide - it must be a power/control thing.

If you have serious concerns he has acted irrationally, I think I would also ask him to submit to a psychological assessment before contact could move on from supervised/supported.

waitingforbetterdays Mon 03-Aug-09 22:33:01

Thank you for your reply. I have had legal advice a few months ago when we broke up because of the violence. And they told me only to give supervised contact. But I feel with solicitors they go by the book and dont really take the feelings of the child into account.

Also I did not get my injuction like I was supposed to and have not spoke to them scince then. So I now feel abit stupid to go back to them.

I know he has no chance in the world of getting custody of dd over me. Recently when we were speking I told him I had a support lady that supported me because of the violence, he said be careful of those people, if you say too much they will get social workers involved and take dd away from you. This would never happen as I am a good mum, and do not have any drink or drug issues or anything. |He was trying to make me have no support so he can get his own way.

Also last time he was not seeing dd 6months later his solicitors still had not arranged supervised contact for them and he blamed them, none of it was his fault. I honestly feel it would not take 6months to arrange supervised contact if he was pushing for it. I am worried that this time will take as long and dd will have to get to know him all over again.

waitingforbetterdays Mon 03-Aug-09 22:36:37

psychological assessment - I have never heard of one of these? It sounds like a good idea, but exp seems fine alot of the time, he can even fool me and I have known him for years, so I'm sure he could put on a good frount.

It is defintly about control, as he hates the fact that I have complete control over dd's life. But why shouldn't I have, I am the one who has always been here for her. He seems to get on just fine without her but I would fall apart if I didn't see her for 6months.

Spero Mon 03-Aug-09 22:38:15

If solicitors 'go by the book' they absolutely have to take the feelings of the child into account!!

But for any child under 6 it is usually impossible for that child to have a view which isn't the view of his/her primary carer... and solicitors know this.

I'm afraid a lot of contact disputes are more about the adults hating each other than a real concern about one parent being unsuitable and/or dangerous. So make sure your concerns are clearly expressed and supported as much as possible by evidence from other people/sources.

social services will be concerned if there is a violent partner/ex on the scene and the victim does not do all she can to protect herself for eg injunctions. But that doesn't mean they will take children away automatically. As long as you are not inviting him round etc, it should be ok.

Spero Mon 03-Aug-09 22:40:43

If you have reasonable grounds to believe that he could act in a way to put your daughter at risk, you can suggest the court order that he see a psychologist/psychiatrist to report on his mental health/insight/capacity to change etc, etc.

These reports are expensive so won't be ordered without good reason. Also, no adult can be compelled to be assessed unless they are sectioned under the Mental Health Act, so he could just refuse to co-operate. But if he is acting irrationally, the court would probably be prepared to conclude that this refusal was suspicious.

waitingforbetterdays Mon 03-Aug-09 22:47:48

There is evidence to show he acts irrational, but I just cannot judge weather or not he would be a danger to dd. That is why I am confused about contact. I would feel better if someone assessed him and could let me know their professional opinion.

Also when he does eventually get to have contact with dd, would the courts be able to decide that he is allowed to take dd for a holiday abroad alone even if I am not happy with it?

And would they defintly let him have her overnight if he requests it?

Spero Mon 03-Aug-09 22:51:40

If he is a fit parent to have visiting contact, unsupervised, he will probably be considered suitable to have overnight and holiday contact.

a lot will depend on the children's age, the suitability of his accommodation etc. It won't just happen if he hasn't got a good track record of contact; courts like to build up slowly - few months visits, few months overnight etc.

If you don't think this would be in your child's best interests, get this to court asap, get a CAFCASS report, make sure your concerns are all known and clearly set out. the judges are not naive gullible idiots, they see these cases day in day out and know when wool is being pulled over eyes and when there are genuine concerns.

waitingforbetterdays Mon 03-Aug-09 23:01:08

Thank you for your replies, it is good to speak to someone who has some idea of how it all works.

Well when he went to court for the violence the judge was very hard on him because he was messing around and not turning up for court, so it is likly he will do the same thing again.

Can I take him to court regarding child contact? My solicitor made it seem like its upto him to take me to court as he is the one who wants to see dd.

Spero Mon 03-Aug-09 23:17:02

You can make your own application but it does make more sense for him to do it if he is not happy with what you suggest.

I think you should get a solicitor to write him a letter to say you are prepared to let him see her at a contact centre and will see how it goes. If he can turn up on time and behave appropriately, you will consider moving it out of the centre if you are satisfied its going well.

If he doesn't like that idea, then let him take you to court and argue for something different.

waitingforbetterdays Mon 03-Aug-09 23:23:26

my solicitor had sent a letter saying this months ago, but this was before we were trying to work on our relationship again.

I have told him he can have supervised contact, so he is aware of this. Hopefully he will sort it out quicker this time..

It is all so stressful....

SolidGoldBrass Tue 04-Aug-09 00:09:56

Look, don't bother 'trying to work on the relationship'. He's unreliable, violent and possibly mentally ill, from what you have posted. Put your DD and yourself first, get legal protection and then worry about sorting out her opportunities to see her father in a safe place.

Spero Tue 04-Aug-09 15:49:29

What SGB said. you are giving out very conflicting messages here. Either he's a danger/unsuitable or he isn't. If you think the former, you don't want to be in a relationship with him and you don't want to expose your daughter to him unless he can change.

waitingforbetterdays Fri 07-Aug-09 10:18:36

I have now decided not to work on the relationship with him, so now the only issue is sorting out child contact.

The reason I was trying to work on it was because he seemed like he had changed and wanted to act like a grown up and make things work. But I have realised it was just an act so wont be getting back with him again.

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