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I fucking hate my soon to be exhb.

(18 Posts)
dollparts Thu 30-Jul-09 14:09:17

This is a rant. I would like to know what you think of this?

My soon to be exhb is quite frankly a wanker. He hasn't worked since April and for the past two months hasn't given me a penny towards the mortgage (house is on the market) or any other of his financial obligations including any maintenance for dd. Despite pleading poverty whilst he was working he still managed a trip to Prague (despite me being in hospital having major op at the time), xmas in the US, a weekend in Amsterdam,and a weekend in the Lakes two weeks ago. Not bad for someone who doesn't work.

Anyway, we have just signed the statement of arrangements explaining our plans regarding contact (and to be fair he has always seen dd on a regular basis). Last week he rang me and announced that a 'friend' had booked and paid for him to go on another weekend away somewhere in Europe and that he would not be having dd that weekend. I normally am free and able to adjust days when he has her but on this particular occasion I have arranged to go away for the weekend myself.

I told him that I was going to be away at that time and that bearing in mind my past flexibility I would expect him to change his arrangements since he should have consulted me prior to making plans.

He said he would come back to me. He didn't so when he dropped off dd this morning I asked him what was happening and he said his friend couldn't change the dates and couldn't get a refund. I said that that wasn't my problem and that he needed to understand that he has a responsibilty to ask first and not just assume I wll fall into line with his plans. I said 'so what you are saying is that you are going regardless of what I have said' to which he replied yes.

Don't get me wrong, if it comes down to it I will of course cancel my plans-my daughter is my priority but I'm just fucking furious at his attitude that he just thinks he can pick and choose when he wants to be a parent.

Surely after two years I am entitled to plan what I would like to do in my free time without him coming along and fucking everything up for me?

I'm so furious with him.

comewhinewithme Thu 30-Jul-09 14:12:21

He's a wanker angry.

noraledger Thu 30-Jul-09 14:16:39

Agreed Tosser!!

comewhinewithme Thu 30-Jul-09 14:44:53

Bumping for you and I really want to call him a wanker again.

AstronomyDomine Thu 30-Jul-09 14:47:24

sounds like my DS's male parent (I find it difficult to refer to him as his dad as he hardly ever behaves like one)
Very angry for you

dollparts Thu 30-Jul-09 15:35:13

It has incensed me because I am completely powerless to do anything about it. It's not as if I can force him to have her. (not that I would) ykwim?

Somehow at the same time I end up with a guilty feeling because I have the audacity to make arrangements when that fucker has already agreed on it when I am free.

mamas12 Thu 30-Jul-09 17:51:15

Could you say to him, so what arrangements have you made for your dd then as it's your weekend.
Well what he then does if you want him too is have her two weekends on the trot then.

Also let your solicitor and or mediator know to go through that way, by just an equiry does your client need to review the agreement you both just signed off if it's not working out. And all costs go to him. Make it know what a pain he is being officially!

dollparts Thu 30-Jul-09 18:38:27

Mamas-what's been agreed is that he will have her every Saturday through til Sunday afternoon and one evening during the week.

Of course I don't expect him never to ask to have a weekend free because that would be unreasonable hence my always trying to be flexible.

What has really got me mad is that he just went ahead and made his arrangements and told me as an afterthought.

As it happens he had just been around and give me a load of bollocks about how he can't change his plans-so in effect his wants and needs are the priority here?

I can see how this is going to play out-I will have to cancel my plans. It's not that that has got me so annoyed but the asumption that I will just be ok about it.

And where the fuck hell does he suddenly have the money to go on these randon trips away? No job, living at his Mum's and seemingly in the lap of luxury! 'a friend is paying for me' FFS how do I find a friend like that?

FattipuffsandThinnifers Thu 30-Jul-09 18:55:50

Yep, what a selfish wanker.

I would do as mamas12 said, say he can have her two weekends in a row/extra week night or something.

Deep breaths - you'll soon be rid of him for good smile

mamas12 Thu 30-Jul-09 19:41:11

But she won't though. He will keep on doing this. Can she stay at his mums as he lives there so you could still go on your thing?

dollparts Thu 30-Jul-09 19:55:14

I can't do that mamas-his mum told me in no uncertain terms she wanted nothing to do with me when he told her I was filing for divorce-but that's another story....

Niceguy2 Thu 30-Jul-09 23:10:49

This is exactly why i usually say that flexible arrangements don't work.

Unless you have a great relationship with your ex, flexibility usually works one way. Theirs. And if you do have such a good relationship, you probably wouldn't have split up! lol

I had this trouble at first and we went to a fixed routine. This helped as we both know where we stood and if my ex has a problem with a date, its her problem to solve, not mine.

Years down the line things have settled to the point where she can ask me and I will help out if I can but there's no expectation either way. But thats taken years.

Good luck dollparts

mamas12 Thu 30-Jul-09 23:31:09

poor you putting up with that shit dollparts.
That's her granchild she is NOT helping out not you.

Do you have a friend or relative who she could have a sleepover just for one night that might help you out.

mrsjammi Thu 30-Jul-09 23:39:38

Message withdrawn

winnie09 Fri 31-Jul-09 08:22:46

dollparts, can completely see why you are so angry. Unfortunately I have to deal with this kind of cr*p too angry

I think it is a form of control. I hope you manage to still be able to get away.

notevenamousie Fri 31-Jul-09 18:24:50

I can understand why you are angry too. My ex pulls similar stunts and I am, like you, mostly angry for my daughter, but a bit for myself as well.

dollparts Fri 31-Jul-09 19:50:21

Well he has got his way. I can't begin to plan or look forward to going away not knowing what the plan is for dd. I've been trying to get him to deal with it but all I've had is 'I haven't sorted it out' or I'm not sure what's happening.

So I just lost my patience and cancelled my plans. I rang him and told him that he can go ahead and do what he wants but if he pulls a stunt like this again I will make him drag the issue through court to get his access.

I feel defeated but at the same time just can't deal with the stress. I need to know dd is going to be ok. I told him I was only happy for him to have her if he wanted to and not because he felt he had no choice. He flew off the handle saying it was never about having her just that he couldn't change his plans.

I suppose you get the man you choose? I should have known it would turn out this way whatever I tried to make him understand.

sincitylover Sat 01-Aug-09 11:51:08

hi doll just managed to catch up with your thread.

To sympathise really cos my exh is very similar and all access is largely to suit him and his new dp and family imo.

He too doesn't stick to the arrangement we made either. It does entail grief and stress. Still when we were married generally he came first in terms of career and his life generally. I just had to fit in round him. The idea of us sharing equally (we both work full time) was a farce.

I do agree it is a form of retaining control of you and situation.

Shame on you dd's gp that she won't help out. Is it possible to change your arrangement to every other weekend rather than every week.

Still with mine he still sees them only 24 hours every other weekend (not a full weekend) although has just taken them on holiday for ten days (and rang me twice to vent about them in a most unpleasant way)

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