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Somebody tell me that it is possible

(8 Posts)
turtle23 Tue 28-Jul-09 06:45:36

DH has temporarily moved out and I am 23 weeks pg and have a 16 month old. I don't know if I even want to make things work anymore but am terrified at the thought of going it alone.
If we do split up I will have next to nothing financially, my family are 6000 miles away and DH's family are too old or disinterested to help.
Will I survive? What do you get from the government to help? Am too sad to try and work out all the wbsites.
Please tell me it can be done.

OnlyWantsOne Tue 28-Jul-09 07:26:12

you will be ok

IMO if he can be such an utter prick and move out and leave you whilst PG and with small DC then I'd change the locks and not let him back in.

Contact local CAB - find out what you are entitled to, go to local council office and get housing and council benefit application forms now, as they can take a long time to process, so whilst your DP is "deciding" it will be processed.

Do you work? Go to job centre and talk to some one about income support / job seekeers allowance

You will be entitled to a quite a bit, dont just sit there and wait for the debt to mount up.

Depends on what terms you and DP are, but if he isnt actually living at the property with you, is he supporting you financially?

Call the CSA

also talk to your friends, family - even if they live miles away, you need some real emotional support. What a bastard <<gets grumpy>>

HolidaysQueen Tue 28-Jul-09 09:10:02

turtle - i saw this in Active early this morning and just came back on to check you had got some answers and offer some love and support.

i know you will be okay in the long run - you have been okay through so much shit already, and are a brilliant mum to P and bump. i don't have any experience to offer here but definitely think OWO's suggestion of talking with CAB would be worthwhile to start finding out what you are entitled to. But for now, I'm just sending lots of moral support, and bumping for you.

Meglet Tue 28-Jul-09 09:28:13

Call CAB now to get an appointment as soon as possible. Then you'll probably have to rummage around for paperwork / payslips before your appointment but at least you'll be heading in the right direction.

Call council to get council tax reduced to single person.

Maybe your midwife might have some ideas too. Just figure it out bit by bit, don't panic about trying to do it all over night.

I split with ex P when my dc's were 2.2 and 4 months, and we had had a one month split while I was pg. TBH he had been such a monster the last few months it wasn't that stressful once we were on our own (my family are close by though). I don't know your history but is there any chance Relate might help patch things up, we used them and still split but it helped clarify our problems.

turtle23 Tue 28-Jul-09 09:37:08

Thanks all. Am still very confused as to what I want to do. Went through the entitled to website but without even knowing whatsort of accomodation/maintenance/etc I would be looking at it is difficult. One minute DH promises he will make it all ok for me and the next he threatens me with leaving me high and dry.
I wont change the locks on him as I would never stop him seeing DS, but I have been further annoyed today as have been informed that we will be having family mealtimes togethe every evening while he is elsewhere. Fine, great that he wants to see DS but now I am cooking for him and DS gets to see daddy right before bed? Sigh.
I have felt vry much alone for a long time now, and am not very sad that heisn't here as it isn't very different. Am sad more for DS and future DS.
I don't want to be divorced.

turtle23 Tue 28-Jul-09 09:38:19

Just to add..we did Relate a few times. It didn't help as it ended up being a venom fest. We need to go somewhere where they are more focussed on trying to help rather than listening. Can't really afford proper counselling in theamount that is needed.

ChrissieL Thu 06-Aug-09 08:35:25

And who says you WILL be having family meal times together? If he's leaving, he has absolutely NO right to dictate to you at all Turtle.

The advice given above is spot on, go to the CAB or call the Gingerbread helpline 0800 018 5026 as a starting point. It may seem a long road ahead but if you break it down into small, bite size chunks it's manageable, and there is a light at the other end.

I'm a few years down the line after my separation and I really wouldn't have it any other way. I look back on the controlling ways, the moods, the bad atmosphere and I shudder - how and why does anyone put up with that? Love? Hmm, not reciprocated if one partner can be so mean to the other.

It may not seem like it now, but being a single parent can be empowering. YOU are in control of your own life, it's YOUR world and no one can boss you around and dictate to you. The money side may seem scary at the moment but there is support available, it's essential you get advice on this now. Don't let your partner hold you to ransom over this, make sure you get the support you need and if you have to go through the CSA then at least you have enough for food on the table in the meantime.

Best of luck, it's not an easy road but the destination can be a lot nicer than the starting point.

Chrissie x

ridingjoker Thu 06-Aug-09 09:00:14

em..... why are you while heavily pg going to be cooking this plonker dinner??

no... you dont want to stop him seeing ds. but if he wants dinner he can bloody well make it himself for you as your carrying his unborn dc or at least bring a takeaway.

who is going to be paying for the ingredients to this dinner you make.....em.... you i'm guessing.

get yourself down to CAB, sorting out the paperwork is 1 week at quickest. but mines was 3 months. at first i didn't know about housing. but i got the other things like income support and child benefit sorted. you will be grateful when the bills come in that you have got it sorted.

but you have to go and do this now if your unemployed.

dont wait to see what happens with ex. even if you do get back together you can call up and stop the claim any time you want. but if you get it set up... and then things go tits up..... instead of re-applying again they can simply restart your claim and pay you within the week usually.

but you definately can do it <holds hand>

and its a whole lot easier if you dont let ex make demands on what you should be doing about his dinner. he can come see ds. just dont let him dictate your going to run around after him.

if he gives you any arguement about it... simply ask him who is paying for the food? by all means if he wants to bring in a bag or 2 of groceries or a takeaway i wouldn't see a problem with him having dinner with you and ds.

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