medical appts with ex?

[cestlavielife]

ex trying to get in on medical appts.

i dont wish him to attend because i dont want to be in same room as him - without an escort - or even with... seeing as he been abusive and violent towards me.

he does not at this point have parental repsonsibility so i dont have to invite him, right?

he can of course ask at court hearing to be informed i guess, and i am happy to pass on info or have copies of reports sent to him.
he has the right to know of course he does...before someone berates me for that...

i am the person with primary care responsibilities - i decide appts right?

(he called dentist to make an appt then emailed me to tell me of its time!!) bearing in mind i work full time so need to carefully plan time off for appts. he doesnt work...

i had voice msg from dentist saying - i am confused, childrens dad called and he gave different address to the one we have, what is going on...

we in hiatus re contact - as contact centre sessions went ok so it deemed ok to move out - but i agreed with cafcass that contact to be supervised by person we both agree to - there have been a few of these sessions, with carer i chose - (and dds said very clearly they would only see him with another adult present)

she says when she took ds to his flat he made him use headphones to watch tv "because i cant stand the noise of horrd henry" and then while he was entertained with tv, exP proceeded to speak to her for three hours to tell her "the truth about cestlavie and her family" she said it did her head in, despite asking him not to talk about this to her., he just continued....

with the dds, she says he doesnt play with them rather they just there, he wanted to take them to ikea so they could "play in the playground with you, while i talk to the kitchen man" but they had to go with him because he "wants to have quality time with his children"...
in the end dd1 got on phone to him and said she didnt want to go to ikea so he relented and they didnt go to ikea...

the kitchen is another story entirely - spending money he doesnt have on joint owned property without my consent. ugh - while CSA have assessed him as having net income of less than £5 per week!! so his contribution to dcs is zero. how can he afford a new kitchen then?

anyway:

medical appts - fine for me to say no, you dont come, will cause too much stress for me and dcs - but i will report to you afterwards?

[GypsyMoth]

good god,no,don't let him come!! if it goes to court then explain you dont want to be in same room as him without a third party present. no doc/dentist will accomodate so many adults for a simple appointment. all parental responsibility is anyway,is the other parents say,not their right to be with you. just that they should have their say/input etc.

schools arrange copied school reports,and parents evenings are arranged separately.

[notevenamousie]

Sounds fine to me cestlavie - it is in the best interests of your dc that it is just you there - and if he doesn't have parental responsibility he has no right to ask for more. But even if he did, I would say the same.

[noraledger]

Cestlavie, did you find it difficult to prove that you were the primary carer when you work full time and he didnt work at all?

Sorry, dont know an awful lot about your situation but thought i would ask.

By the way, you sound totally reasonable with your requests for him not to attend. The fact that you are reporting back after a medical appointment shows that you are keeping him in the loop.

[KingCanuteIAm]

TBH, even if he had PR it would be unusual for both parents to go, unlessit iwas something major and new IYSWIM. Routine appointments are usually done with one parent, why would it need two?!

He is being silly IMO and you are within your rights to just make an appointment and go - having said that, I suspect, if you asked a court, they may say that he can do that too - if he wants to...

Has he applied for PR or has he been stopped from having it for some reason?

[cestlavielife]

dcs are school age.
2007 he had major breakdown atttacked ds, persuaded him (iwht help of social worker) to disappear to his home country...was v clear at that point he could not be in the house at all and that i was primary carer.

also sw had been involved due to ds disability adn there reports going back to 2002 stating he could not cope with him. so lots of history...

he manipulated a visit which turned into a refusal to leave from dec 2007 - social workers called child protection meeting at one point in march 2008 due to his behaviour to me and erratic behaviour which i kept reporting to sw. when i moved out with dcs he kept threatening to kill himself.

he hasnt PR because of kids born before 2003 and we never married. he has said at the two court hearings "i want PR" but he hasnt been savvy enough to actually put in the formal application ie he has not even filled in correct forms. he has been representing himself with a mackenzie friend who does not seem to have advised him properly. just saying "i want PR " is not the formal way to go about it....

if he submits PR application i will object due to ongoing concerns.

i think the medical thing is about trying to be together with me as parents to prove something - just as he wanted me to attend a supervised contact session with him at contact centre "to show our love for our dcs together".

medical appts were always a nitemare with him - he would get stressed about them - but also sometimes obsesssive as tho he liked having the problems, helped in his "poor me" role...

one time he sat there telling GP how upset he was our dd1 had not been monitored properly, in his view she should have had weighing/monitoring every week (she was diagnosed with coeliac disease)

• GP rightly pointed out this would have gained nothing in outcome from the six monthly reviews and would have medicalised the child.

he wanted to take her to his country in 2008 to admit her to hosp there to run all the tests great ormond street had already done - including some nasty tests on growth hormone etc - because he was sure they had missed something. thankfully it did not happen. at this point she was not a sick child, just small for age. GOSH pointed out she probably has HIS small size genes but he would not accept this! "i am NOT short, my mother (150 cm) is not short! it is nothing to do with me!" (165 cm).

so lots of stuff...my medical records show the times i have had to take off work to take care of dcs because he was unable to due to his anxiety/depression, in the times he was living in same house.

[noraledger]

Your situation is very different to mine. You sound like an incredibly strong women and your dc's are so lucky to have you and i am sure you are very proud to be their mother. Good luck with every thing. I am sure it will work out for you xx