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is my EXP deliberately exposing himself????

(61 Posts)
zippy96 Wed 22-Jul-09 16:36:19

At what age should a child stop being made to watch her father weeing and pooing? My LO is almost 3 years old and is fully toilet trained (she can get on and off the toilet and do all the necessary things herself). During his supported visits to my home, he insists she goes into the toilet every time he needs to go and he allows her to watch him go both ways. He insists she uses the loo after him and stays in the room with her. My health visitor has said this is 'highly inappropriate' but my solicitors request for this to stop has failed to bring about any changes. I am really concerned about this. Am I over-reacting?

Flgihtattendant Wed 22-Jul-09 16:38:21

No sounds appalling and freaky sad

Time for further action imo

Flgihtattendant Wed 22-Jul-09 16:38:59

Have you spoken to him regarding this btw? What is his reasoning?

hercules1 Wed 22-Jul-09 16:39:35

Sounds very odd.

DippyFarquhar Wed 22-Jul-09 16:40:46

I don't think a child should be MADE to watch anyone weeing or pooing. Are you present at these visits? If so, why can't you insist that she doesn't go with him to the toilet? Or whoever else is present at the visit can they not insist she stays out of the bathroom?

Very odd behaviour.

andiem Wed 22-Jul-09 16:42:52

this would be ringing huge alarm bells for me am hcp and have done quite a lot of child protection work
I would go back to the solicitor and insist that it stops or contact does sad

zippy96 Wed 22-Jul-09 16:42:54

We have had a very acrimonious spliting up and all our communication is via solicitors. My solicitor has told him via his solicitor that this behaviour is worrying me, but he continues. Sometimes during a 3-hour visit he will take her into the toilet 2 or 3 times. I am meeting cafcass soon, but am worried about my child now.

KingCanuteIAm Wed 22-Jul-09 16:43:49

I am confused, it is supported contact in your home? Why don't you just say no then?

Flgihtattendant Wed 22-Jul-09 16:44:07

I think you might need to inform social services or similar and then immediately stop contact

this sounds very very dodgy indeed. Sorry it's happening, do you know because your dd tells you?

Flgihtattendant Wed 22-Jul-09 16:44:54

Oh sorry it's in YOUR house?? shock this needs to stop nOW

wigglybeezer Wed 22-Jul-09 16:45:16

I don't think its neccesarily wrong for a three year old to see her Dad weeing etc. but it is odd and a bit weird for him to insist on her accompanying her to the loo. this would only be appropriate of it would be unsafe to leave her eg. in a public venue with no- one else to supervise her.

andiem Wed 22-Jul-09 16:45:16

well can you speak to cafcass sooner or get your solicitor to send another letter this week
if your 3 year old hasn't mentined anything other than this then try not to worry
are you there in your house when he visits or do you have to go out?

DippyFarquhar Wed 22-Jul-09 16:45:18

So, can't whoever is present at visits insist she doesn't go with him? There's no need for it. How often does she see him?

I'm going to reserve judgment for now but I will allow myself a small hmm in the meantime.

MrsMattie Wed 22-Jul-09 16:45:40

It sounds very strange. Why does a 3 yr old need to go to the loo with him???

KingCanuteIAm Wed 22-Jul-09 16:45:59

Either way, no it is not appropriate and should be mentioned to Cafcass, if the contact is supported then your Solictor should write to the supporter and explain the situation ask them to ensure dd is allowed to toilet alone.

Flgihtattendant Wed 22-Jul-09 16:46:24

How exactly are these visits supported? It sounds like he has carte blanche to do whatever he likes without anyone stepping in.

zippy96 Wed 22-Jul-09 16:46:26

My mother supports his access. She has been told not to interfere with him. I am really worried that if I stop contact it will look bad on me. I have searched all the sites to see if there is anything in writing about when he should stop taking her in with him. My mum would look after LO when he goes, but as I said above, he tells her to go with him and she knows no better than to follow him.

Flgihtattendant Wed 22-Jul-09 16:49:39

I see your problem, you need something that backs you up in writing that says this is not acceptable/ bordering on abuse of some sort, so you don't look bad legally. Is that right?

AndieM works in the field, do what she suggests - if you've already spoken to your sol about it then surely he/she knows if it isn't Ok behaviour, from a legal POV?

andiem Wed 22-Jul-09 16:50:00

then I would ask your mum to tell him it is not appropriate and then if he refuses to stop it contact social services
it is not appropriate behaviour and it needs to be stopped

KirstyJC Wed 22-Jul-09 16:51:26

This sounds seriously wrong. Tell your solicitor to write to him and stop contact now. Explain why you are stopping it and that you have been advised by your hv that he is behaving inappropriately. Ask him to explain why he is bahaving inappropriately. (although I can't think of any reason that would be good enough tbh).

Who is present with him when he visits? Tell your solicitor to write to them as well and ask why they have not stopped him doing this, despite being made aware it is inappropriate. If it is a supported visit, does that mean the person with him should be aware of possible child proction/abuse issues? If so, why are they not doing something about this?

This is clearly flagging up issues with the hv so s/he presumeably is worried - can you/hv pass the information on to child protection people? (Not sure of who this would be, as thankfully never needed to know but sure hv would).

I would stop contact now. You need to get to the bottom of this and if there is something going on, you would never forgive yourself if you let it continue. Good luck.

RumourOfAHurricane Wed 22-Jul-09 16:53:35

Message withdrawn

zippy96 Wed 22-Jul-09 16:54:31

My mum has challenged him on several things ie. not going up to my bedroom or taking food from my cupboards and on one occasion he almost hit her. Access is at my house under the support of my parents as he had threatened to take the child away from me in the past.

KirstyJC Wed 22-Jul-09 16:55:32

Sorry, X posts I am a slow typer. If it's your Mum, I think you need to tell her to tell him it's not appropriate and that he can't do it - as andiem said.

As far as you looking bad legally goes, if he has been warned by a solicitor to stop, and your hv has told you it's highly inappropriate, I would think that you would look worse if you didn't stop contact wouldn't you? Her safety is the most important thing here, not him.

FioFio Wed 22-Jul-09 16:56:40

Message withdrawn

RumourOfAHurricane Wed 22-Jul-09 16:57:53

Message withdrawn

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