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Does it bother you if your Ex has more kids....

(24 Posts)
Haribosmummy Mon 20-Jul-09 21:16:20

... if you don't / can't?

Say, for instance, you split up mid 40s so (chances are) by the time you've met someone else, you probably won't have kids.

But your ex (same age as you) meets someone, say, 10 years younger and goes on to have more kids...

Especially relevant if you wanted more kids while together.

Half hypothetical and half, well... not hypothetical.

Would be interested in your views.

Claire2009 Mon 20-Jul-09 21:38:01

Yes, not sure why though.

Ex recently told me his new Gf is preg, not sure how I feel about it but uncomfortable comes to mind.

Superduperloopthelooper Mon 20-Jul-09 22:32:13

Yes...

Am not mid 40s (early 30s) so there is a chance that I might be able to have more dc but I would have to meet an actual man first...grin.

At the time we split up we were discussing dc2. Exh freaked out and left, promptly had a new baby with new gf (who is actually older), and now has 2nd baby due imminently.

Tbh, it is vaguely insulting that it was obviously just with me that he did not want to have another baby. It is also v hurtful that he has moved on and (seemingly) easily settled into a new family life. My life revolves around caring for our ds (who he sees once in 3 weeks) and trying to keep a roof over our heads. Having another dc is a distant dream.

I understand that exh is entitled to move on, and I definitely am not pining after him, but I do kind of grieve for the family that I thought we'd have, if that makes sense? My ds would also like a brother or sister that lives with us, which makes me a bit sad.

Snorbs Tue 21-Jul-09 10:13:40

It would bother me only inasmuch as a) it would likely sideline our children even more than they're already being sidelined, and b) I'd worry that the new child wouldn't be cared for properly as my ex is a volatile alcoholic.

It wouldn't matter to me personally, though. If anything, I'd be thanking my lucky stars that it's nothing to do with me. The less involvement I have with my ex's ongoing car-crash of a life, the better.

sincitylover Tue 21-Jul-09 10:31:31

HM this is me.

Exh moved on v quickly and accidentally got new p pg. Now has dts as well as ds1 and 2 with me.

although I wanted three I would not have wanted another with him.

There is someone else from my past who I wish I had dc(s) with! sad

It is nauseating to watch him play happy families when he used to say he hated family life, I think my dcs get a raw deal from him.

And dts routine impacts on me and dcs as he always wants to rush off. So it's the practical stuff really.

Surfermum Tue 21-Jul-09 11:09:22

I would have thought that it goes without saying that there are going to be some feelings of resentment in a situation like this. No matter how happy you are and how much you've moved on.

I was with someone who didn't want children for 12 years. I have no idea what he is doing now, whether he has had any or has any step-children - but I'm quite sure that if he has had his own, despite the fact that I have dd with dh, am really happy now, and my self-esteem is the best it's ever been, there would be a part of me that would feel hurt.

When I had dd I was always well aware that it was bound to touch dsd's mum in some way, so her continued anger at me (and I hadn't been the OW) was understandable and I therefore didn't take it personally. Even though she had already had another man's child after dsd, dd's arrival must have been really hard for her.

Hinchy Tue 21-Jul-09 11:09:58

Hi

Just read your thread and i am going through something quite similar. Me and exh split in March and I moved out on the 1st May, a week after me and DD moved out he announced that he had met someone else and she was having twins!! I was physically sick when i found out, don't know why as i hadn't wanted to be with him for such a long time due to mainly emotional abuse and stayed for our DD which I know now was not the right thing to do and should have left when it started which was when she was 3 months old. But some reason this is just tearing me apart I always wanted another DD or DS but like sincity lover not with him as Icould see what he was like a long time ago. I have not even asked when these twins are due or anything I have met the OW and she seems nice actually, but think she is getting the full measure of DH already. Our DD is meeting her this weekend so just going to go from there. I am trying to take every day as it comes with this and it is really hard, she dotes on exh and I am so frightened when they come along she will be forgotten.

bronze Tue 21-Jul-09 11:14:28

Don't have an ex but I think it would upset me. It would be the not being allowed then its being too late for me but not for him bit that would grate.

muggglewump Tue 21-Jul-09 11:17:04

I don't want anymore but I think my main reason for that is that I'd be scared to be left on my own again, with perhaps a really complicated situation.

I'm happy with my choice to have an only now though so I don't feel resentful of ex about it.

I'd only be annoyed at him having more children as it would cut DD's maintenance, not that I've got it yet but it's due any day.

He's never given her anything, I've had to go through the Aus CSA for the money and DD is almost 8, so yeah, just the money I'm bothered about.

Supercherry Tue 21-Jul-09 11:35:13

Yes, the thought makes me feel sick. But then I have only just split up with XP and I'm carrying his child.

Hopefully, I won't care a few yrs down the line.

Haribosmummy Tue 21-Jul-09 11:44:15

Thanks for all the replies.

My DH's ex is very angry that we now have kids... Despite the fact that we've been together for a decade, we have not reduced maintenence / child support / benefits for my DSDs (we moved in order for them to continue to have their own rooms with us etc), the DSDs love DS (and we are due to have a DD in the next few days!)

But, I remembered recently a conversation I had with her YEARS ago and she said she'd always wanted 3 children and she'd always wanted a boy and I wonder whether that's why she is so angry about our children now...

She isn't past having more children, but it's unlikely IYSWIM as she's late 40s (as is my DH) whereas I'm 10 years younger.

I don't even know why I'm trying to understand why she dislikes my DS so much, it just somehow gets me that she can hate a 1YO so much. sad She will not even acknowledge that I'm PG.

bronze Tue 21-Jul-09 11:54:27

shes probably hurting and its coming out as anger

sincitylover Tue 21-Jul-09 12:46:32

what makes you think she hates them,HB?

i feel neutral towards exhs dts -they are cute as babies are and I have held one of them. But feel nothing for them, why would I?

Any beef I have is entirely with exh. His newP doesn't sound my cup of tea - haven't met her (deliberate ploy by exh)but I appreciate the way she has welcomed my dcs and trust her to look after them.

Their luxury lifestyle tees me off a bit. But appreciate that it's her hard earned that mainly funds that not his!!

sincitylover Tue 21-Jul-09 12:47:29

and I have always encouraged my dcs to bond with their half siblings

Haribosmummy Tue 21-Jul-09 13:02:49

No, SIncitylover.. she hates him with a passion.

She will not allow the DSDs to talk about DS in her presence (she doesn't have a son, therefore they don't have a brother sad)

And she actually ignored her own daughter (DSD2) last week just to avoid having to make contact with DS (she has never set eyes on him and would quite literally cross the road rather than do so)

Sh eis also very angry about our lifestyle (she always maintained that I would have to work full time even if I had kids and the fact I don't ticks her off) - we moved to a larger house to accomodate DSDs too and she is actually annoyed that her money hasn't been reduced (she thinks if we can afford to have kids, we should give her more money - and presumably NOT have kids).

As I said, I am not really sure that I can ever fathom her out - even after so many years - She just seems to be so angry about everything... Yet she has two gorgeous kids, a nice BF, a lovely (mortgage free) house, works PT to fit around kids holidays, is financially secure (so much that she can afford front seat tickets to Wimbledon and the like and can afford to take 8 weeks holidays per year).

I just don't get it.

Superduperloopthelooper Tue 21-Jul-09 16:45:06

Maybe it's because you get on so well with your DSDs and because you haven't reduced her money...I know that sounds odd but it must make it hard for her to reconcile a hurtful situation if you are being so lovely and reasonable about everything grin.

I admire the way you have incorporated your DSDs into your family (we've spoken about this before) but from her pov she is the odd one out. You have a well adjusted extended family with more dc to come. She just gets to hear how great everything is.

She has a good lifestyle as well from what you say, but that probably doesn't make up for what she has lost iyswim? From what I remember of your situation (really not a stalker, have posted as Fluffybubble previously!) there may have been a loss on her side too. I expect that your babies just bring up some unresolved hurts for her. Not a lot you can do except be compassionate.

ChocHobNob Tue 21-Jul-09 17:51:08

That may be true, but you cannot really justify that kind of behaviour. If a step parent treated a stepchild that way, because of something their partner or partner's ex did, there would be hell to pay.

It's very sad that a child can be treated so poorly and her own children to some extent, because they are affected as well. Really the adult should direct their anger at the right people, not an innocent child. And I'm not just singling out the "ex's" it goes for all adults.

Superduperloopthelooper Tue 21-Jul-09 19:47:28

But Choc, the exw has not treated HM's ds badly, she just avoided contact. Obviously, that is not ideal if her dd is there but, tbh, it is one of my fears that I will bump into my exh, his gf, their ds and my ds whilst out shopping etc. I don't know what I would do in that situation either.

Fwiw, my exh has turned up at our ds's school twice in the past year at hometime with his other ds in tow. Neither time has he let me know that he is coming, I have turned round and there they were. I have no interest in meeting his new dc. My ds talks about his half brother quite openly, and I nod or shake my head as appropriate but, beyond that, I don't want or need to know. I imagine that my exh will feel the same if/when I have anymore dc in the future.

HM - I don't think she hates your ds (she can't if she's never met him!). She just doesn't want to know about him. For her dds' sake hopefully that will change over time, as your dc get older.

ChocHobNob Tue 21-Jul-09 20:07:20

Ignoring your own child because they are with their half brother would have an affect on the children, I would imagine. As would your children feeling like they have to walk on eggshells and be careful what they say in front of their Mum in fear of upsetting or angering her would also. It doesn't sound too healthy to me. It isn't the children's fault. Obviously this is just my opinion. What you explain you do doesn't really compare to what Haribosmummy has described.

Superduperloopthelooper Tue 21-Jul-09 20:19:30

No, choc, it doesn't. I am several years down the line though. HM's ds is very little still. It is early days and this kind of situation is very hard on everyone involved.

Haribosmummy Tue 21-Jul-09 20:51:16

Superduper is right though... there is 'loss' on her side. It's not really my place to talk about it too much, but I absolutely understand that she may have had a lot of old memories dragged up when DS was born. I suppose I was just hoping / expecting that it would fade (DS is 14 months now)

We did try to handle it as sensitively as possible, as we both appreciated it was a difficult subject (esp. as DS is a boy) and I think we did an OK job and making sure things were done in the right manner, it just doesn't seem to have helped at all.

And, TBH, I'm beginning to wonder whether it's just that we have kids full stop - which is why I'm wondering whether perhaps her wanting more kids would be a reason she was p*ssed off about it (or at least that DH has gone on to have more kids)

I think you guys are right, though, maybe I'm expecting too much too soon and what it really needs is more time.

Haribosmummy Tue 21-Jul-09 20:57:18

ANd I suppose that chochobnob's point really sums up why it gets to me: If I treated my DSDs the way she does, just because of some percieved injustice a decade ago, people would (rightly) criticise that.

My DSDs were/ are innocent in all of this and DH and I have bent over backwards to ensure they are protected from any 'situations', so I don't understand why my DS is somehow being targetted.

I do think DH's ex dislikes my DS intently, as I've heard some comments she made about him.

Surfermum Wed 22-Jul-09 11:08:57

I doubt that she hates your ds, it's probably the whole situation that she finds difficult and maybe she hates her own reaction to it.

What I came to realise was that no matter what I said or did I was always going to be the bad guy in dsd's mums eyes. And she always wanted to think the worst of dh and I. And having realised that, and that there was nothing I could do to change it, I put a lid on it, stopped trying and waited for her to want to build bridges in her own time.

She did in the end, but I also bore in mind that it might always be like it was, and I made the decision that I wouldn't allow her behaviour to affect me.

It probably sounds like I found it really easy - I didn't, I was hugely frustrated at times. But I think you are doing the right thing by trying to understand what's behind her behaviour and putting yourself in her shoes, it definitely helped me to do that. It made it all feel less personal.

And once we did start talking she told me that it had never been about me, it wouldn't have mattered who dh had married she would have been the same.

Haribosmummy Wed 22-Jul-09 22:12:27

Thanks, surfermum - That's why DH says: It's not about me or DS, it's about her and all I can do is try to understand it, do the best for DS and my DSDs and move on...

Thanks,,,

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