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Tonight I give in, I am distraught, I am going to find a Family Law Solicitor and not have to deal with the pain he inflicts on me

(16 Posts)
notevenamousie Sun 19-Jul-09 19:39:40

After a steady stream of negative, unpleasant, untrue e-mails from my ex, I am utterly beyond trying to sort this out myself. I am going to find a sympathetic family law solicitor and ask him to direct all communications through them. I have a bit of savings I can use.

I want dd to see her father, but I am not going to have him dictating all the terms, insisting I deliver her to his girlfriends, and being unavailable for (currently) 7+ weeks to see her at all.

Somebody please tell me that after the months, over a year now, of trying to do my best by my daughter, that I am not going to utterly lose myself in trying, and that there is light at the end of the circumstances that force this decision?

oldraver Sun 19-Jul-09 20:14:01

I can only say... you waited this long ??

Pass it all over to the solicitor and disengage from him

mamas12 Sun 19-Jul-09 20:34:16

Echo that oldraver.
Don't put yourself through anymore manipulation and step asway from from the ex and let a proffesional deal with the father.
Good luck

Mumofagun Sun 19-Jul-09 22:14:45

Feel for you, I really do. Was in exactly the same situation and agree totally that sometimes you just can't do anymore. You don't need the extra hassle of someone still wanting to hurt and hassle through direct communication. Solicitors are "sterile" in their communication with ex but deliberately so, but if you get a good one they are sympathetic and will explain everything to you. The best thing you can do is go by recommendation because I spent a lot of money on one solicitor before I realised they didn't give a toss just because they were local, and some do you know, even though I know they need to earn money. I got the best in the end through recommendation and felt he was almost part of the family. Good luck.

CarGirl Sun 19-Jul-09 22:18:41

I would join Families Need Fathers and ask for a recommendation on there. It's not just for Dads.

I'm sure they can also give you good free advice on how to move forward. Insist on mediation or fixed contact perhaps?

ipiratethief Sun 19-Jul-09 22:21:55

sometimes, even if you try to do the right thing by the dc's, it is never enough for the ex.

taking control is liberating, and best all round especially for you and your homelife.

notevenamousie Mon 20-Jul-09 15:34:29

Thank you all.
I've kept trying because I thought it would be best if we could somehow sort things out between us. But I just can't put up with any more. I could try mediation - how does that work? He's off on a lovely foreign childfree holiday for the next two weeks - I think I will just breathe a sigh of relief that he can't hurt me from there.

mrsmortenharket Tue 21-Jul-09 09:49:46

i was in exactly the same situation as you, even went to mediation only to be told that x wasn't going to go because it cost him £140. he works ft, updates his pc every few months (without fail), changes his (contract) phone as required, etc etc

now he has to go through solicitor which costs him a lot more. i wanted to try every avenue i could before court, he has tried to block every one because of the cost to him and trying to hurt me not what might have stopped things hurting his daughter so much hmm

you know you have tried, you will be able to look your dd in the eye when she is older and say that you did all you could. i have, however, had dd's father telling her complete twaddle but the only thing i could say to her is that there are things your dad will tell you that he shouldn't and that there are things she won't be told from me until she is a lot older and old enough to understand properly, if then.

you have done best, now hand things over to solicitor and detahc yourself from x as he might see you as doormat.


Janos Tue 21-Jul-09 20:19:51

Mousie, I think you are doing exactly the right thing here. Don't let him dictate and bully you a moment longer.

To be honest I agonised about doing the same as you and am so glad I did. It's made a very positive difference to mine and Ds's lives.

Also enjoy your stress free time while XP is away

mrsmortenharket Wed 22-Jul-09 09:29:46

hi mousie hows you today? ((()))
janos says a lot of sense, she has helped me a lot in thepast smile (tho maybe i have been under a different pseudonym wink

cestlavielife Wed 22-Jul-09 11:51:50

i am going thru court process and feel it rpesents a clear and oblkigatory solution - ie court will decide what to impose in terms of contact.
my ex has been trying to bully me into dropping court case and going to mediation - where i feel he would bully and manipulate.

he has managed also to persuade CAFCASS officer that court case shld be dropped and it should be mediated... she called me to tell me "i really think you should go to mediation"...ugh. it is very frustrating but i am determined to keep it in court, ahving got this far. it has been elss costly than i thought and going to pay £140 per ssession for emdiation plus babysitters etc etc doesnt add up financially - when he can easily bully mediator and me and renege on any agreement - sending us back to court....

having had a few hearings i feel ok - i know that a judge could easily be swayed by his "victim" mentality but at least i can say to dcs - this is what the judge ordered, it was not me. and as they get older they will be able to speak to judge themselves...

notevenamousie Wed 22-Jul-09 17:36:19

Thank you all.
He is out of the country, we are safe for a little bit. Dd, however, had a febrile convulsion today and I am not sure whether to ring him, spent the hours in hospital wondering. It's good to know that there are those of you who have found it beneficial, and not having to have to speak to him about anything, or rather hear about anything, sounds such a huge relief. It is wonderful to hear from those who have been through this and feel things have got better. I am sure that another e-mail from him would just have me floored again though, so something needs to change.

mrsmortenharket Fri 24-Jul-09 11:10:17


cestlavielife Fri 24-Jul-09 11:28:13

jsut wanted to say that after meeting with my counsellor again for a session we came up with strategies for dealing with emails which are harassing and intimidating, which rehash same stuff and come back with more arguments over same issues -

"please refer to my previous email on the subject" full stop.

is a good line to use.

also, to repeat to oneself "i am not responsbible for his feelings" "i do not need to own his anger" "his feelings are his responsibility" "his anger is his responsibility"

sticking to answering yes/no/specific factual information.

not to use emotions yourself even if he does.

take back the power and control yourself.

AitchTwoOh Fri 24-Jul-09 11:31:56

good for you, mousie. you'd still be together if he was a good guy, he's not, so don't deal with him.

mrsmortenharket Wed 19-Aug-09 13:44:24

how sthings been the past couple of weeks mousie? ((((((((()))))

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