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How the hell will I meet anyone?

(23 Posts)
poshsinglemum Sat 18-Jul-09 14:04:29

DD is only 1 so I'm not ready to start dating yet but I would like to in the future. The problem is I never have time for myself let alone anyone else. It just seems to be that most single mums go online to find love.
I'd love just to go out to the pub and flirt for a bit of fun. I'd love to go out without my buggy and be a woman again as opposed to just a mum but at the same time it's a good thing that I won't have time to date the type of looser that I used to go for.
How do you all find the time and energy to date as a single mum? I know you do it somehow!
Will follow fit and interesting thread too.

bigchris Sat 18-Jul-09 14:07:01

I guess it's early days
Will you go back to work eventually? You'll meet other people there maybe? and perhaps widen your social circle
I met new people at preschools and later on at school so your social circle will get wider and hopefully you'll make friends who might introduce you to someone

MaggieBeBold Sat 18-Jul-09 14:07:49

I don't knwo. I have a different plan though. I'm going to make sure I am happy without meeting somebody. Meeting somebody, being with somebody, its only ever undermined my contentment. I think I'm over men, or needing a man. I am confident and don't mind showing up places on my own...
Also, if it didn't happen for me, properly, you know successfully, when I was in my 20s iwth no children, then it aint gonna happen now I am in the run up to 40 with two children and I'm broke.

BUT... I am happier now than I've been for ages?

Think about it, is not having a man actually making you unhappy? Or are you just conforming, on auto-pilot to the two by two society we live in ?!

I'm not criticising, honestly... just an alternative way of looking at things.

used2bthin Sat 18-Jul-09 14:13:23

I've got a thread abut this at the moment. I find it easy enough to meet men online but actually dating is another matter. However part of that may be that I am not really ready, I don't know. Not because of Xp but just the change to mine and DDs lives if I met someone. AndI don't have enough time off to have a relationship even a casual one without them coming to mine eventually.

Maggiebebold good points. I'm not sure for me because I am so busy with DD and our friends. But sometimes I miss the company when everyone else is with thier partners. Mostly I really don't though.

poshsinglemum Sat 18-Jul-09 14:18:56

Hi Maggie- I am with you to a certain extent tbh as I have realised somewhat sadly that my relationships have not made me happy and only cause me pain and hold me back. I also think that it's important to be happy and contented alone. I don't want to need a man.
And yet all around me women are having happy and succesful relationships with lovely men. I do feel like I'm missing out. I am probably trying to conform. I think I would like to flirt for the fun of it and to amke me feel like a sexual being again if that makes sense. Am not planning on dropping my knickers any time soon though!
I think that I am more confident than I was with my ex partners.
I do feel that I would liek teh hugs, support, an extra hand around the house, diy guy and lover but if I chose the wrong man then I won't get any of that either.

poshsinglemum Sat 18-Jul-09 14:19:44

I don't want to entirely give up on old fashioned love and romance and would feel sad if I thought that it couldn't happen to me.

used2bthin Sat 18-Jul-09 14:33:45

poshsinglemum I am very worried about that too as I am aware of how hard it is living with someone who makes life harder not easier. I think we are in a similar position as I don't particularly feel the need for a relationship right now but don't like to think that I never will. I was meant to be on a date toight though and prefer to tay in and check that DD doesn't develope a fever as she has been exposed to the dreaded flu. So I think my heart isn't really in it too many complications for me right now.

anothermum92 Sat 18-Jul-09 16:25:28

Message withdrawn

ahhhmen Sat 18-Jul-09 17:56:27

Hi, I'm another one who totally gets where you are coming from, I am happy on my own with ds, but I would love to just go out and be chatted up, or maybe go on a few dates just to reassure myself I am a sexual being, not just a mum! My xp has ds tonight, and I'm sat in on mn, its not that I dont have friends, just no single friends!

poshsinglemum Sun 19-Jul-09 11:46:05

Hi there,
Unfortunately I don't live in London (although sometimes wish I did) otherwise I'd definately be up for a night out.
Although I want to find the right man in the future I do feel a bit meh and cynical about men and relationships at the moment. I think that it's really sad that I feel so despondent about them as though I've lost any romantic dreams. I wish I could recapture that excitement and hope that I used to have. Mabe it was innocence that kept the flame alive and now I'm just bitter.
Romance cannot be dead as I'm the only girl in my family who does not have a partner but I don't help myself as I have had so much shit from men I just tend to think taht romance won't happen to me.
On the plus side I think that having dc will enable me to weed out the wronguns as I have to think of dd. I just want to believe in men at the moment but I feel so hardened. I have sort of decided taht I am better off alone as men just bring pain and aggro. A bit sad and a self - fulfilling prophecy!

MaggieBeBold Sun 19-Jul-09 11:49:19

PSM, yes, My relationships have in the past 'held me back', that's a good analysis. But like you, I'm not cynical about old-fashioned love, I know it exists, and a lot of my friends are married to lovely men. But for a variety of reasons, I think I've missed that boat... and I am realising that for me, it would be crazy spend too much time or invest too much energy hoping that I'll meet somebody again. I think, without being at all bitter, I just think that the chances are that I won't...

I want to achieve a few of my own goals first, buy a small house, do it up how I want, keep the kids on track! socialise when I can, mostly with married friends! I would like more single friends, just to not be the odd one out. Not that it bothers me really. At first it did though. I've adjusted well.

elastamum Sun 19-Jul-09 12:29:23

Hi PSM, I know just how you feel. Between working and caring for my two lovely boys I dont get the chance to do anytrhing else! I keep thinking I must get out there and make the effort to meet people but the truth is I get Saturday night once a fortnight to myself. I went to a ball with all my old girlfrinds(and their husbands) and whilst I had a good time I felt like an oddity. I am the only single mum in my kids classes at school and the only single person in my workgroup! Am enjoying life generally but I feel I may be alone for quite sometime. Not sure what to do really ....hmm

RedHairedGirlie Sun 19-Jul-09 22:17:31

PSM, totally get where you are coming from - DD is only 3.5 months old and I am already feeling quite lonely, particularly in the evenings. Sadly, I too am quite cynical about relationships at the moment and wondering whether I will ever meet Mr right or wonder if there may even be a Mr 'nearly' right out there smile...

I know I am most definitely not ready to meet anyone yet, and probably won't be for a while - but I just can't help missing male company.. (and missing someone to do all those odd jobs that I keep looking at and sighing about sad

I think I find one of the hardest things about being alone is overcoming the desire to have someone around to take care of me... does that make sense?

Brad79 Mon 20-Jul-09 15:27:14

I can agree with you PSM. I'm a single dad to my two DS (two and four). Between looking after them and working and doing the other 101 tasks that go hand in hand iwith being a parent i find I have barely enough time to sit down on an eveing after the boys are in bed before I have to get some sleep and start the next day lol.

I do rememeber when me and my xp first split upp I was almost desperate to be in a relationship, but I was definately not ready. Although now if I meet some one then great if not then oh well I'm enjoying the time that I have with the two lil un's.

I think I miss having some company and a good old laugh most of the time. I must admit that I enjoy having a flirt when I'm out just doing normal things like the food shop and flirting with the ladies on the check out. No harm done but a nice little ego boost.

thesilverlining Mon 20-Jul-09 17:46:34

Asking myself the same question and came up with the same answer as maggiebebold - even down to the dream about buying a little house (although that aint never going to happen nowadays!)

It sad to admit that my life from here on in will be single - but I am hoping that I might meet a nice gentleman who will take me to the theatre when I am 60 and treat me like the lady I've always wanted to be treated as.

Until then I guess we have to accept that this is it for now and focus on the me, myself and I for a while......you deserve some M,M and I time PSM otherwise how else will you re discover yourself post being moulded by someone else?

spookycharlotte121 Mon 20-Jul-09 23:47:53

Feel similar to lots of you. I would really like to have someone to enjoy my time with. I kinda get scared too that I will never meet anyone and will just be on my own forever. Thing is too even when I do go out I never meet the right type of men. I live in Bristol and if you go on a night out the clubs are full of chavvy boy racers, most of which only seem interested in you for that one night. Not my style im affraid.

maybe mumsnet should have a dating section lol?

nappyaddict Tue 21-Jul-09 03:24:15

I find the 2 ways I have usually found love is through work or through friends.

If you have family around who can help out with babysitting then every so often arrange to go out with some friends who can bring friends of theirs along that you don't yet know (preferably including 1 or 2 single male friends). It's all about increasing your social circle. It doesn't matter if they don't always bring any potential men along, the idea is you get to know these other friends, so then they might then bring some other friends along iyswim and it will be easier to talk to them if you know their friends.

God I'm really not making sense am i!

Brad79 Tue 21-Jul-09 13:33:25

Its always good to meet other people within a new social circle. However always easier said then done lol.

I haven't been out in Bristol for ages. Some of my friends that go out down town are mentioning new bars that I have never even heard of lol.

ahhhmen Tue 21-Jul-09 13:48:36

So spooky and Brad you both live in Bristol, and are both looking to increase your social circles especially with members of the opposite sex!!!erm anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?. Brad dosnt sound like a chavvy boy racer, but I could be wrong lol.

poshsinglemum Tue 21-Jul-09 14:20:21

Hi all,

Have tried through work but has always resulted in about five girls after one bloke and lots of bitching to get his attention! Relationships work always involve a lot of politics or am I wrong? We'll have tos ee what happenes. I had a massive crush on a colleague at my last job but he was engaged so I had to fall out of lust with him. If I fancy someone then it is guarenteed that at least five other sexier women will fancy him too. Why is it so hard to meet someone who will only have eyes for me?
I have met a few blokes through friends but those relationships have panned too.
Mabe I will find it easier now I have given up!? Men don't like desperation after all do they? But then- what do thay like?
I am beginning to depress myself so will cheer up. I am going out round the pubs with my best mate on the weekend for the first time since dd! We are both single so should be fun.
I live near Bristol- I always thought there was variety of men in Bristol and quite a few alternative types and sloany types but mabe I am wrong. Boy racers= definately not good!
I wonder what the ebst city to meet men is? London I expect. I guess the best thing about being a single parent these days is that there are plenty of us in similar situations.

Brad79 Tue 21-Jul-09 17:10:37

PSH go and have a great time, like everyone else on here we all deserve some me time to let our hair down and switch off from being a parent.

I couldn't vouch for the other men of bristol but I'm not a boy racer I'm afraid lol.

I've got a night free coming up when my dad and step mum are having the my two DS for the night so I'm looking forward to that, except the last time I had time for myself I ended up still spending the night in and cataching up on housework.

Scrumplet Tue 21-Jul-09 22:34:59

PSM, I really get where you're coming from. I have moments of thinking the same myself, but am leaning more towards MaggieBeBold's approach: I'm working towards being content and independent on my own, and if/when I meet someone down the line, they'll be a bonus - not the be all and end all; if it doesn't work out, my life will carry on fairly unscathed.

Sometimes this makes me feel sad, especially as I'm only 31 and most of my friends are settled with seemingly lovely men and just starting their families. It's a problem borne of circumstances more than age. I have one single friend left, who lives over an hour away. When I'm free for a night out, most close-by friends are having couple/family time.

So taking my eye off the relationship ball, and refocusing it on me and my aspirations, and DS, is helping. There are some things I want to do, to accomplish, and throwing some energy at these is a great distraction - and maybe they'll lead to something in time?

There's a quote about how happiness is like a butterfly: if you chase it, it flutters away; if you sit quietly and turn your mind to other things, it comes and perches on your shoulder. I'm wondering if love can be the same. This could be bollocks, of course, because most of us are stuck in of an evening and the odds of meeting someone are stacked against us in these circumstances! But I do wonder if not pursuing love and instead focusing on other interests and activities, will somehow lead us there when we're least expecting it. And how many people find a decent relationship as a result of actively looking for one?

Ramble over! I do understand where you're coming from.

nappyaddict Wed 22-Jul-09 14:29:52

I'm lucky that where I work most of the people are already in relationships and also a lot of them are quite a bit older than me so anyone I would be interested in, they wouldn't iyswim. I am seeing someone from work at the moment but we are keeping it quiet. Can't be doing with all the comments and interfering. Plus it's more exciting this way grin

If I've met people through friends it's never worked out if it was a blind date scenario or where someone's purposely brought someone along to meet me iyswim. It's only worked if they've brought them along as a mate and we've gone out quite a bit as a group and got to know eachother that way first.

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