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How to find the time (and childcare) to date? And other questions.

(14 Posts)
used2bthin Tue 14-Jul-09 22:12:11

I have been on dating websites for a while and had two dates with one man, three weeks between them due to me finding it hard to get out to meet him. Actually he then offered to come to mine and I panicked a bit and it never happened.

Anyway I now have got the same problem. I met a man last week who surprised me by being really nice, and attractive and fun The problem is he lives about two hours away (or an hour and a half by train) an just doesn't seem to understand that I can't just pop over to his town for the evening. I have never been that distance away from DD and she has medical needs so I would worry that she would need me and I'd take ages getting back. IF it worked out long term I can see it could be ok but at the moment I just can't get out often enough to date, regardless of whether it was a long distance thing and I am thinking now there is no point in meeting up with this man again even though we got on well.

I'm not sure what my questions are actually, just how do people manage the dating bit because presumably if I could get to know someone well enough then it would be easier if it was a long term thing as I wouldn't mind them coming to mine. At the moment it seems impossible though.

aseriouslyblondemoment Wed 15-Jul-09 10:44:46

hi how you doing?
glad to hear your getting yourself back into the swing of the dating thing!
i think most of us lps have similar yours in terms of our time and have to fit our own ^me time^ into when our dcs are with their other parent or relatives/friends
presumably this bloke expects to do some travelling himself or could you maybe meet halfway?
tbh i have actually found that not being readily available works in my favour as it's helped me to weed out any undesirables/timewasters iyswim
and a decent bloke will accept that dd comes first end of
hope this helps!!grin

used2bthin Wed 15-Jul-09 13:37:13

Hi! Sorry must have logged off earlier than usual last night as didn't see this. I am about to ring him to say no I can't travel to his town at the weekend. He left a message yesterday with train times and I'm feeling abit irritated that it means he didn't get it when I said that me going there would take some building up to as I've never been that distance away. I had offered to meet half way so will ring and repeat that and say its the best I can do. If he doesn't understand that then it won't work anyway I guess but it is difficult. He did offer to come to my town again but Ifelt it was a lot to expect as he did that last wee. Also I haven't even got a definate answer from my parents as to whether they can babysit at all this weekend so STILL haven't got a deinate plan on that. XP has DD on a wed eve and sat morning but this week I'm seeing friends so couldn't go tonight. Also when XP is here I have to get back for half nine so it doesn't leave much time for dating.

Good point about weeding out the undesirables, I am already a bit iffy about this one as he is so insistant about me going there it makes me feel a bit pressured and also he would have to pick me up at the train station and I'm not sure how sensible that is seeing as I have only met him once for a couple of hours.

used2bthin Wed 15-Jul-09 13:38:38

Meant to ask, sounds like you have had more sucess with this dating milarky than me? How is it going at the moment?

aseriouslyblondemoment Wed 15-Jul-09 14:12:41

ohh it is tricky to fit it all in
and no i would be wary of getting into the car of a bloke i'd only briefly met
don't allow yourself to feel pressurised into anything here at all
imo he should be doing all the running here and fitting in around your life and dd's needs
if he can't accept this then he obviously isn't worthy of your time or energy both of which are precious!
well i seem to have finally found a good un lol
and despite my best attempts to put him off by telling him all about my limited availability/priorities etc etc he remained undettered and has really proven himself to me despite my obvious cynicism at first!
he's recently met the dcs and they all get on brilliantly
so trust me there is hope!
but did have to go out with my fair share of numpties til i met himgrin

SolidGoldBrass Wed 15-Jul-09 14:15:54

Excessive pressuriong is a red flag no matter what your childcare issues. He may just be a bit bossy and unempathetic - or he may be a date-rapist. No, not all men are date rapists, of course, but a man who ignores your objections and tells you what is going to happen is showing behaviour that's on the scale towards the date-rapist mindset.

used2bthin Wed 15-Jul-09 14:19:16

Oh how lovely! How long have you been seeing him now?

When you first met how often roughly were you able to see him? Best I can do really at the moment would be every other week but not sure if thats enough? If he lived closer I could meet for coffee or walk or whatever on sa mrnings but its a long way to expect him to travel just for a couple of hours (four hours driving here and back!). Not sure when its apropriate to let someone meet DD either cos obviously once I trust someone enough it would get easier as they could come here. At the moment though I wouldn't do that but with only seeing someone once a fortnight for a couple of hours I am not sure how long it would take to get to that stage. Maybe it is too complicated with the distance thing. You think its ok to ask that he comes to my town again then? I'm scared I'll change my mind and then he'll be annoyed at putting in so much effort for nothing!

aseriouslyblondemoment Wed 15-Jul-09 14:48:44

as i say if he's a decent man he'll be willing to make the effort to come over to your neck of the woods even if it's for only a couple of hours or failing that agree to a halfway meet-up.
i've been seeing my bf since beginning of june tho we got to know each other for a couple of weeks prior as i was unable to get out and if anything that helped alot as he really had to work to prove himself in my eyes after some of the idiots i've dated before.
i have to admit to being quite fortunate in some respects tho as his time off coincided with my childfree w/e's for a while
in terms of meeting your dd only you can decide that
ime i only decided to do it once i realised that things were becoming serious between us and i was satisfied that he could be trusted to meet them
he's the first man they've met too

used2bthin Wed 15-Jul-09 14:59:03

Glad its going so well for you, shows it is possible!

I don't have set child free times really and think that is the main problem, it makes me seem vague and as if I don't want to meet up but really its just very hard to sort something for DD.

Still haven't phoned him! He did offer to come to my town again so maybe he will offer again Thing is I can't expect him to do that every time so it would put pressure on me to introduce him to DD sooner than Iotherwise would have He is also not great on the phone and has an accent that is very nice but I find hard to follow on the phone grin

ninah Thu 16-Jul-09 20:04:28

ooh asbm you used the bf word!
used2b, it is possible, I also met bf online, intially I was looking for someone a distance away and to keep things low key but was contacted by a local. As the dc get older it is easier to leave them but def agree with asbm, any nm will be happy to do the running around if he is a good one and is truly interested in you
does this man have family committments?
if not I don't see why he shouldn't be teh one to travel to you, why not? get the impression you are not totally bowled over by him as an individual, even if you'd like to be?

used2bthin Fri 17-Jul-09 13:33:14

Hi ninah, glad it worked for you too! Hm not sure how I feel abut him. I was surprised when I fancied him as wasn't convinced on the phone, he just seemed a little intense. Had a cat with him on the phone last night and explained that I wouldn't relax if I was away from DD by that distance esp as am worried about health stuff with her atm with so many bugs around.

He offered to come to my town but asked when I felt I'd be readyto go to him and would we actually get to spend time together. I said its impossible to say after one date how quickly it would go but that I understand if he'd rather leave it here because with me I can't just go away for weekends or stay over spontaneously so its all more complicated.

So I think I've been very honest and will just have to see what happens but tbh am not holding out too much hope, I feel like he still hasn't really got it and is a bit too impatient. We agreed to meet up saturday and see how it goes. I'm annoyed at being forced to discuss it so much with him after just one date though can't see just see how it goes like everyone else?

used2bthin Sat 18-Jul-09 13:16:20

I meant had a chat with him of course! Anyway problem solved I ignored his call last night as I was really tired and it was nearly ten o clock but I texted this morning saying call when he is up. Managed to miss his all again (was asleep while XP took DD out as had a really bad night with her last night). He left a message saying he has thought about it and thinks that the distance thing is one complication too many and he doesn't feel I have the time to put into a relationship what with my DD and her needs. Funny thing is he said the same of another single mum who he dated just before we started chatting.

Oh well so no need to worry anymore about what to do with him but I am wondering if I should bother dating until I have got more regular breaks. Although it would be far easier if someone lived here.

aseriouslyblondemoment Sat 18-Jul-09 14:45:51

ohh poor you!
am glad to see that you're not desp.fussed tho
you sound as tho you're happy within yourself and enjoying your life with dd and don't need a bloke to actually make you happy
believe me with your outlook on life you will eventually meet a man truly worthy of your time
tbh he sounds like a nob
and a very selfish and spoilt one at that
glad you didn't get further involvedsmile

used2bthin Sat 18-Jul-09 14:51:22

Thanks seriously blonde. I feel a bit disappointed at the waste of a potential night out but really a bit relieved too as I think he may have been a bit odd. Or just spoilt and selfish as you said! Of course the more men who trun out to be odd the more I think actually the first one I dated who I panicked about coming to my hose was actually uite a nice bloke! It would have worked out if it was meant to though.

Ah well back to the drawing board! Talking to one even further away now I think I just like the chatting part more than the dating! Although I have been known to complain that all the men I "meet" online only want to chat not meet up so I think we are back to me actually not really wantinga boyfriend again!

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