Advanced search

The bloke I like is afraid to leave his current girlfriend

(44 Posts)
Chrysanthemums Tue 14-Jul-09 17:33:27

This is a weird one, I know. But I have a very good male friend with whom I go back years and years.

There's always been a 'thing' between us, but usually one or the other has been seeing someone else and nothing's really happened.

Recently it seems we'd both like to try and make a proper go of it. We've been talking a lot and getting on well, doing a few things together etc. Nothing that crosses the friendship boundary, though - I won't countenance that kind of thing, I enjoy his friendship but if he isn't ree, that's all it'll be. However, we have vaguely hinted at the being together thing, and in this context he said something the other day which made me a bit confused.

We were having quite an emotive conversation and he suddenly said 'I think I'm worried because my last girlfriend, her ex husband was real trouble, it was awful' so I said 'Oh, (confused frown) are you worried about [so and so, my ex boyfriend]?' and he said 'No, not about him'. and I didn't work out what he meant.

Suddenly today it struck me, that he meant his current girlfriend. I think he did, anyway. He only sees her sporadically as she's not local, and he's told me about her quite a lot in the past - she has a tendency to freak out completely if he so much as talks to another woman. One time a few years ago I rang his house, and spoke to her as she was staying for a few days, and she took a message (something about a favour I'd promised to do) but later he told me she had gone bonkers about the phone call. I was really embarrassed but a bit hmm that he should choose to go out with someone obviously a bit odd/ insanely jealous. There were apparently other indications of this kind of oddness - nothing to do with me but similar kind of issues.

So what I think he means is that if he were to break up with her, and start seeing me, she would cause trouble somehow - which frankly I'm not too impressed with as an excuse, and it puts me right off really - there are exceptions of course but I don't see how there would be any need for that kind of thing. Surely if she started to harrass him/us, he/we could just go to the police?

I'm thinking maybe he just was using it as an excuse, which is even worse. Either way it isn't looking hopeful,is it? I feel quite cross - if he really wanted to be with me, he wouldn't let a bonkers girlfriend stand in the way, would he?

Just wanted to vent really, sorry, and thanks if you have read this far. It seems like yet another hopeful sounding man isn't going to be any good.

4andnotout Tue 14-Jul-09 17:36:21

The fact that he already has a girlfriend would be ringing alarm bells, overlapping relationships are very problematic.

Dior Tue 14-Jul-09 17:36:28

If he stays with her out of fear then would you really want to be with him?

LIZS Tue 14-Jul-09 17:40:47

imho He's hedging his bets , sorry. Have you ever met her to assume she is as "bonkers" as he suggests ?

TotalChaos Tue 14-Jul-09 17:42:15

sounds like he's all mouth and no trousers, I'ld start distancing yourself a bit. Also not entirely convinced his current girlfriend is that loopily suspicious, if he's told her about you and your "thing".

missfitt Tue 14-Jul-09 17:43:39

i bet this is a recipe for disaster. now will go read the op. grin

Chrysanthemums Tue 14-Jul-09 17:45:23

Never met her, just spoke that one time. It sounds rubbish doesn't it - either he's using her as an excuse - but then why bother being so attentive and nice to me and talking about 'us' being together at some point? I mean if he doesn't like me that much, what's the point? or he is telling the truth in which case he is dating a weirdo, and I don't want to be the next weirdo on his list. If you knew someone was like that, you wouldn't stay with them, would you?

sad I just think he's turning out not to be the sort of person I thought/expected.

Chrysanthemums Tue 14-Jul-09 17:46:36

lol missfitt smile not far off!

missfitt Tue 14-Jul-09 17:47:08

i would back away slowly from this. not my kinda scene. i like my (love)life to be as uncomplicated as I can get it.

missfitt Tue 14-Jul-09 17:48:08

glad you can still see the funny side Chrys. You have lots going for you I am sure.

Chrysanthemums Tue 14-Jul-09 17:49:26

Thanks...I was so hopeful about this one! Well, I am happy as I am, just a bit disappointed that my judgement is again so crap-o-la. I thought it had improved. I don't want to be single for ever, just for a while would be ok..

Chrysanthemums Tue 14-Jul-09 17:51:05

Although I think I will check with him what exactly he did mean.

It's best to let him explain in case I have got the wrong end of the stick. Then I can walk away knowing the score properly, and also tell him why I am walking away.

MadameCastafiore Tue 14-Jul-09 17:53:48

You may be reading something into it that isn't there.

He may really love her and she may not be a psycho nut job but just a bit jealous as most women would be if their bloke was getting phonecalls from a woman that it seems is chasing her man!

dittany Tue 14-Jul-09 17:54:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChocHobNob Tue 14-Jul-09 17:57:08

Personally I wouldn't get any closer until he separates from his current girlfriend. That would show how interested he is in you. If she lives miles away, how will she make it difficult, other than possibly randomly turning up or phone calls etc which can be sorted. It sounds like an excuse to me hmm

Chrysanthemums Tue 14-Jul-09 17:59:33

That was years ago, so I doubt she knew - however it is possible he was playing games and using it to wind her up sad

I don't know, honestly. I do think he needs to work out what he wants and stop messing us both around though. It's not fair on anyone. She may have known he used to be interested in me, I suppose, in those days - depends what he told her. That's pretty manipulative if he's been taunting her with the prospect of an alternative woman all this time. I doubt it would have been that blatant though, maybe in a subtle way. Or maybe not at all.

All I know is what he's said to me, he's quite a secretive type.

allaboutme Tue 14-Jul-09 17:59:39

she may not even have gone bonkers, only got his word for it
sounds like he is setting you up for a relationship but keeping his current gf too - he's dropping major hints that he's worried to leave her but that he wants to be with you
he wants his cake and to eat it frankly

Chrysanthemums Tue 14-Jul-09 18:02:27

Tbh when he said that thing, last week, I thought 'Oh, wonder what that meant, maybe be is worried my ex will cause problems - or maybe my ex MIL, whom we have discussed and both can't stand having dealt with her separately - maybe that was it.

But as soon as I twigged, today, I thought 'ew that's awful' and it did put me off big time.

I wonder if he could have meant the MIL, though I don't think we need worry too much about her - I have no contact with her and she wouldn't have to know we were together.

Chrysanthemums Tue 14-Jul-09 18:04:45

He's not having it in that case, allabout - I certainly wouldn't stand for that.

I think I need to ask him what he meant and go from there. I'm just speculating when it comes down to it. Though as you say Dittany, it isn't particularly great that he's suggested there could be a chance of a relationship (been doing this for months, really) when he is still with her. Unless she is a secret psychopath and he really is trapped. hmm not likely is it.

dittany Tue 14-Jul-09 18:07:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecatesTwopenceworth Tue 14-Jul-09 18:10:35

Sounds to me like he's angling for a no strings attached sneaky shag.

ChocHobNob Tue 14-Jul-09 18:11:49

I wouldn't be asking what he meant. I would be asking him if he will be leaving his girlfriend before starting anything with me?

It's not just him though, do you really want to contemplate getting into a relationship with a man who already has a girlfriend? He sounds like he has no intention to leave her. If he really felt that much for you, he would try his hardest to do what's right by you and that means making himself single first. Sorry to be blunt, but if you allow it to happen, you are just as bad as him, only my opinion of course. I hope you get it sorted.

MaggieBeeBeau Tue 14-Jul-09 18:14:29

WEll, one thing I've learned is that you can't fix a man!

And this guy sounds like he needs to turn the spotlight on himself for a while. I am not saying he's a total fuckwit. But he does need to think about why he's staying in the relationship. Fear, habit, love even?

Perhaps he is genuinely just torn in two and trying to 'dress that up a bit'.

I'd tell him that you have feelings for him but that you have to protect yourself so you're going to take a break from being his friend while he's so indecisive.... if he were to make a decision however....

Chrysanthemums Tue 14-Jul-09 18:15:09

I suppose he might. I know that normally happens.

In this case though he was madly, madly keen on me about 7 years ago, while I was with someone else, this was when we first met. He chased me for ages, then finally I made it really clear, because he wasn't listening, that I didn't want to leave the guy I was seeing - and nothing had happened between us, anyway - just some friendship stuff, he'd tried holding my hand a couple of times and I'd politely desisted. That kind of thing.

Then a couple of years later I still spoke to him on and off, and I started to like him back - but by this time he was seeing her, and it's been 5 years now and still nothing has happened between us.

So I wondered if she was someone he never really liked in the same way. But that is rubbish - from what he says, she isn't particularly nice to him, and it sounds, well thinking about it it sounds dysfunctional and co dependant.

I'm not certain if he is capable of having a decent relationship with the right woman, (ie me ha ha) or if this is just his 'pattern'. Fwiw she is much much older than him and I'm about 9 years younger.

Good question for you, Dittany, as you know about this kind of thing - can someone who is in a rubbish relationship with one person, have a good relationship with a different person/ Or are they just doomed? I really don't want to take up her role iyswim - it would have to be very different.

Chrysanthemums Tue 14-Jul-09 18:17:42

Also lots of relationships do overlap, or so I've read - but there's NO way I'd even consider having sex with him or similar unless he was totally single and totally committed to me.

I have learnt that the hard way and believe me if he tried that kind of thing he'd be straight to the kerb. So don't worry, Choc smile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now