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Does anyone else feel so very angry at being left 'holding the baby' literally?

(20 Posts)
sparklefrog Tue 14-Jul-09 10:50:13

while their XP is having a whale of a time, spending all of his money on himself, not providing for his DC, or even seeing them regularly?

I am left with looking after DD 24/7 while he is off doing what he wants when he wants.angry
I am left living in abject poverty, struggling to make ends meet, while he is spending all his money on himself. angry

I do not get a break ever! angry while he gets all the freedom. He hasn't seen DD in almost 5 weeks now, and before that, it was in my house while I was here, and he still expected me to do 50% of the childcare while he was here. Now he has to pick her up and take her for the allotted time, he doesn't bother!!

My whole life is a whirl of 24/7 cooking, cleaning, wiping, soothing, ironing, feeding, and not being able to go for a bath, or even the toilet without DD clinging to my legs to pull herself upright, or waiting until she is asleep.
There is no let up.

While I do get some help from family, which I am grateful for, I can't help feeling it is not their responsibility, and as such, I don't want to 'put' on them IYSWIM.

I do love my DD, and it probably sounds like I don't, but I do. grin

I brought my DS up on my own, and it was hard work, but I didn't expect to be bringing up DD on my own. I feel like I have been there, done this, done my share of single parenting, only for XP, despite all his crap promises to be there for DD, has dumped the hard work of being there 24/7 onto me.

Another thing is that he has PR, which I don't have a problem with, but I am unable to contact him at all. How the hell am I supposed to consult him on important decisions if I cannot contact him?
I have no idea where he lives, his mobile has been switched off for weeks (he claims he doesn't have a mobile anymore.) He has deleted me from FB, he has blocked me from MSN, but I know he will bloody complain if I don't consult him about any important decisions I make.
I think he expects me to wait until he has something to say, at which point he temporarily unblocks me on msn, has his say, asks after DD, laments about how awful his life is and how he wants to come back, tells a pack of lies, then goes 'offline' again.

How can he think of himself as the victim here, when he has walked away from DD, and just does as he pleases?

He makes my blood boil.

The only victim here is DD!! She is the one who will probably get to a point where she wonders what she can do to make her daddy want to see her, where she will feel like shit because he doesn't bother!
Why should my DD go through that?
And XP expects me to feel sorry for him?

angry angry angry angry angry

Rant over for now. grin

Surely I can't be the only one though? hmm

mpuddleduck Tue 14-Jul-09 11:47:09

sparklefrog, the only reason you need to feel sorry for him is he is missing out on your dd growing up and all the wonderful things they do.
Iam in a similar situation, I told dh I needed some space in April, so he moved over 500 miles away in May, then didnt see the children until the end of June when he came to stay for ds's birthday, when he went to sleep during the time I was making birthday cake and preparing for the party.

I have worked part time, and looked after them alone, with no family nearby to ask for help and it is incredibly hard work.

I have brought them to see him this week, paying to stay in accomodation nearby and he hasn't seen them once on his own, we have shared the childcare.
After he let dd fall in the swimming pool and we fell out he suggested taking them on a day out, but when he turned up the next day he had no intention of taking them on his own.

He also feels he is the victim and can't see why Iam unhappy or why he should do more.
Children are incredibly resilient and will know it isn't her fault Iam sure.

I hope someone wiser than me, who can offer you more help will come along soon.

Streetlight Tue 14-Jul-09 11:51:22

Totally with you on this, however I was so fucked over by exp that I am now seriously glad he is not involved in our lives.

It is a blessed fucking relief, tbh.

Yours sounds like a twunt as well. sad

It sucks, but you'll find a way to get used to it. Honestly - it's been years now and I am so happy on my own.

sparklefrog Tue 14-Jul-09 12:58:41

Thanks mpuddleduck and streetlight.

I think what makes a difference for me is that when I had my DS, I didn't expect any help from anyone. I chose to have him knowing his father wasn't interested, and I never expected his father to take responsibility for a child he didn't want in the first place.

Unfortunately, my DS didn't have many positive male role models in his formative years, and looking back, I can see how not having a positive father figure around has affected him. I blame myself for that. I didn't take enough care to ensure my DS's father would be a willing and positive role model in his life.
This time around, I made sure I was in a solid relationship, we had been living together for 5 yrs and were engaged to be married. My XP was totally different, in the way that he was the driving force behind us having a child.
I'm not sure how this is going to come across, because I wouldn't be without my DD for all the tea in china, but I would never ever have had another DC if my XP hadn't been as keen as he was. It was so very important to me that any subsequent DC were more than likely to have 2 parents around.
XP knew how I felt about that, and reiterated on many many occasions that he would always be around, that he wanted DC more than anything in the whole world.

That all changed after we split.

I hope XP will face some consequences of his own for what he has done to his DD. (Much more bothered and angry about that than about what he has done to me.)

I fear he never will though. He doesn't even acknowledge her to people he meets in everyday life, in fact, he denies he has a child.

It has only been in the last few yrs that I have realised what an impact not having a positive solid reliable father figure has had on my DS. I do not want that for my DD, but I can't make my twunt of an XP see, or care. angry Selfish twunt!!!

Brad79 Tue 14-Jul-09 13:05:40

I have just started the journey of single parentdom and can I say that I take my hat off to each and every one of you. Your all amazing.

I have bee split from my ex-p for just over a year and for various reasons our two boys are now residing with me as their mother hopefully sorts herself out.

I have been angry with her in the past and she is still able to affect me now but I a starting to be able to address this.

I find it incredably hard work trying to raise my two boys and I try to take any help that I can take, however I must admit that I dont like to ask my family to much as other things are going on and I dont want to tread on their toes to much.

Ironwilledmama Tue 14-Jul-09 13:17:12

I can totally relate to how you are feeling and just want to say how helpful it is to read of similar situations. Looking at your situation from the outside I can see what a strong woman you are and what a weak cowardly man your ex is. The bit that gets you and me and every other woman going through this is how shockingly unfair it is that we do EVERYTHING, they do nothing and yet they feel sorry for themselves.

I just tell myself that even though my ex has a very responsible and important job which needs a certain amount of intelligence, he has no emotional intelligence in fact I think he is really under developed emotionally, I see so many similarities with him and my brothers when they were TEENAGERS, the breathtaking selfishness, the lack of morals etc, its ridiculous.

I remember how relentless it is to have a little one and no time to yourself, keep repeating to yourself mantra like that you're doing a fantastic job, because you really are. And seriously he blocks you on msn,facebook,you don't know where he lives and you can't call him,the writing is on the wall, this man is a waste of space,I think continuing to try to contact him and being cut off is detrimental to your wellbeing and you need to be strong for your dd.

He obviously isn't mature enough to deal with the responsibility of having a child and you need to protect your dd from that. Forget him and make yourself priority number one, the more you look after yourself and the happier you are the better for your dd. You sound like a great mum and you'll reap the rewards not him.

sparklefrog Tue 14-Jul-09 13:43:32

Brad79...I take my hat off to you. I wish all fathers were as dedicated to their children as you are. What a fantastic example you are to your two boys of what a father should be.

How old are your DS's?

sparklefrog Tue 14-Jul-09 13:54:57

Ironwilledmama...Thank you so much for your positive encouragement. smile

I am still amazed at how many man act like teenagers. My DS is more responsible than my XP ever was. In fact, XP used to say he wishes he was like DS.

XP couldn't even use work as an excuse, since he wont hold down a job for longer than 6 weeks, sometimes it was only a day. shock

He has had at least 50 jobs in the last 5 years, but wouldn't even claim benefits when he wasn't working. sad

I had to support us. It wasn't until he moved out, and into his mother's that he claimed benefit when he wasn't working.

He is no longer at his mother's, and since he has moved from here, he has lived with his mum, his nan, has rented his own place 3 times, and now he has moved on again.

That's all since February. shock

I am relieved he is out of our lives. At least I don't have to put up with him any longer. grin

I just wish he had thought harder before having a child. sad but that would mean thinking of someone other than himself.angry

His mum and nan blame me for his unhappiness. They still think I should take some responsibility for why it went wrong. Even my own mother asked me if I thought I was partly to blame for the relationship going wrong.
I replied, yes. I am to blame, for not getting rid of him much much sooner. grin

Brad79 Tue 14-Jul-09 14:15:30

Sparklefrog thanks for your message.

My two boys are aged two and four. They are an absolute joy and have completly different personalities.

I do what I must but I do wish I could spend more time with them what wih all the housework, work and running around that comes with looking after the devils.

sparklefrog Tue 14-Jul-09 15:26:04

I'm still trying to work the housework/play with DC balance myself hmm

Let me know if you find a happy compromise. grin

Seriously though, you sound like you're doing a fab job. grin

Do they see their mum regularly?

Brad79 Tue 14-Jul-09 18:08:00

You sound like you are doing a fantastic job yourself and your doing the very best for your two little ones.

Their contact has been irregular the past couple of months as sometimes she is not around and has been unreliable.

She is away for the next few months so contact will be limited for the boys. But She s tried to explain where she is and I have confimed this with them. They might not quite grasp it but they are being kept informed to a certain extent.

sparklefrog Tue 14-Jul-09 18:22:59

My two little ones? hmm

I only have one little one.

My DD is 11 months. smile

My DS is a strapping 6'3" 17 year old. grin

Brad79 Tue 14-Jul-09 18:47:08

oops my mistake lol blush

sparklefrog Tue 14-Jul-09 18:50:23

lol grin

SolidGoldBrass Tue 14-Jul-09 18:52:19

Remember that however hard lone parenthood is, it's not as bad as having a useless or obnoxious partner in the house - whether that's pne you have to service domestically and sexually or one who is actively violent or verbally aggressive.
ANd, sparklefrog, if your DS is 17 can he not look after his little sis sometimes? Can you bribe him with home baked cakes or hard cash or something?

sparklefrog Tue 14-Jul-09 19:16:09

SGB, You are right, being a lone parent could never be as bad as having XP here.
I am so glad he has finally gone. It took me so long to get him out of the house, even though I desperately wanted him out, that now he is gone, I am relieved. smile

My DS lives with my mother, so don't see him very often. He is usually out with his mates busy, and he doesn't have the first clue about looking after children. Still, he has sat here when DD has been asleep so I can have tea round a friends close by. grin

I think DS will take more interest in DD as she gets older. At the moment, he just thinks she is a pain in the arse difficult. grin

bakerslovecakes Thu 16-Jul-09 13:40:00

My situation is slightly different, my dd dad told me over the phone when i was 4 months preg, that he didnt want to be around for either of us, that was it havent seen him since. My dd is now 13 yo and i do get angry when i think how he doesnt care about his own dd but at the same time i think was it for the best that he left, when i read about some parents situations where xp come in and out of their dc lives, i think would my dd have been messed around by him.

sooey76 Sat 01-Aug-09 16:52:54

Just like my ex. We have 5 kids but he can't be bothered with them now, pops in for 5 minutes and goes(usually to borrow money). If I try to contact him, 99% time he doesn't answer his mobile. 10 weeks ago my 4 year old got hit by a car, amazingly he answered but it took him 3 1/2 hours to get to hospital after he managed to drag himself away from his new girlfriend!I was in pieces at hospital and he waltzed in without a care in the world. I thought that would have been a wake up call to him, but no, never answers phone now. I don't think it's all his fault though I think she has a lot to do with it, even though she has 4 kids of her own.It really p*** me off that he can go to the pub every night and meet other people when I've not had a night off since he left 2 years+ago.He tells my eldest 2 he has a right to be happy, but what about mine and the kids rights to be happy?

thesilverlining Mon 03-Aug-09 13:07:56

SGB - I need to read more of your posts! My husband is a selfish amoral teenager also and yet I am gutted hes wondered off to be with his sisters mate rather than his family here. It fucking hurts like hell.

soooey76 - that grates me too - they get to go off on romantic weekends that they never took us on when we were married they have no responsibilities can nip to the pub anytime its so bloody unfair GRRR

sparklefrog- god I hear you. Its hard not to turn up on his doorstep with DCs and say "here you are I'm off to the pub and I'l drop by when I feel like it". I suppose I could do that but then I love my DCs to bits and wouldn't ever want to "dump" them on anyone :-(

allgonebellyup Wed 05-Aug-09 12:43:45

i am a single parent, and i do get to have lovely weekends away all the time, and go to the pub a lot. i am lucky in that both my ex husbands are very happy to have their child every weekend.

Is there no way you can take these men to court?

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