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Please please in desperate need to support. Summer hols a week away and it's all a total mess

8 replies

ilovetrees · 09/07/2009 20:41

I've posted a few times before about my situation and having a really terrible evening - can't stop crying as normal. The summer holidays are a week away and xh is completely refusing to agree to any kind of contact. That may have come out wrong - he wants contact but wants way too much. But even that's not straightforward because he says he wants increased contact but then cancels reguarly.

I'll start from the beginning. He drew up a summer rota which we then tweaked and I have a piece of paper with this written agreement on it. He then got a letter from my solicitor an in his normal fashion he wanted to punish me so he then said he didn't agree with the rota. He wanted me to put the weekends back in the normal pattern (which he himself requested that they change just over the summer). I agreed to this and changed it. He then threw this one out and said he wanted some Monday nights thrown in (which is our normal pattern). I agreed and changed the rota again. He turned this one down. He has written very clearly on a piece of paper that he wants to increase contact over the summer holidays so that he can pay me less maintenance. On this rota, he has ds for 22 nights and I have him 20 nights. He also has him for 2 solid weeks. I don't work during the holidays so naturally I have a few more days.

In amongst these negotiations about increased contact, he texts me to say that he is not having ds this Friday night. He has cancelled several Friday nights recently.

To top it all tonight, I get an e-mail from my solicitor telling me that these are teething problems (one and a half years) and that we both should come to some arrangement. I feel like screaming and feel like I'm going insane. Everything seems so surreal and mad. When I deal with him it's like having a brush with total madness. I get so twisted up inside and it messes with my head so badly that I don't know right from wrong.

I'm feeling really depressed and am on the verge of tears all the time.

What can I do - please help me I think I'm losing it.

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CarGirl · 09/07/2009 20:46

just refuse refuse refuse, you need to be the main carer in order to keep child benefit, tax credits etc.

Have you got anyone in RL who can support you through him being like this?

He is bullying you please try and stand up for yourself.

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CarGirl · 09/07/2009 20:49

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ilovetrees · 09/07/2009 20:51

Thanks CarGirl. Not much support. Have met someone else who is good but have no family near me.

What I don't understand is the solicitor's attitude - this has really thrown me. What I want to do is to tell him that I'm going with one of the rotas and that's the way it's going to be. Why won't my solicitor support me?

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CarGirl · 09/07/2009 21:03

time to look for a different solicitor?

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ilovetrees · 09/07/2009 21:06

Yes, that's what I'm going to do. I replied to my solicitor and told her that I wasn't happy with her reply.

Why is it that men can treat women like this and completely get away with it? I just don't get it at all.

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Lemonylemon · 10/07/2009 11:39

I'd tell your solicitor that "teething problems" is not an appropriate term to use for what's going on now - this far down the line. You don't need to be worried about what she'll think - you're paying her. Keep copies of absolutely everything, and keep hold of the texts from your ex.

Then absolutely refuse to back down to your ex about the arrangements. CarGirl makes some good points.

And now is the time for the "normal pattern" to change - be a little more rigid and not be so accommodating in future and see how this goes.

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PintandChips · 10/07/2009 20:20

ilovetrees i so know how you are feeling!
i am having the same problems with my ex... he complains that he feels i am restricting his access - we are trying to do shared parenting - and yet constantly lets us down. turns up late all the time, changes plans at the last minute... is generally totally unreliable and says i'm the one being inflexible. Inflexible because i get pissed off that he decides on one of 'his' days that he can't have our son after all, with no notice. Inflexible because i do not agree that it is ok for him to be over an hour late without calling.
I feel like I am dealing with a mad person, I am in tears too. I don't know where to turn or what i can do to make it better - i have tried saying he HAS to stick to the arrangements that we have agreed, together, in writing, but he will still always be late, and then get angry with me for being upset about his lateness.
Plus I am having to cope without having my son with me for days on end, for the first time since he was born (he is nearly 3), and I miss him so much.
Sorry, i am not being helpful, but i really know how you feel.
It's shit.

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ilovetrees · 10/07/2009 22:13

PintandChips I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's bloody hideous. What are your shared care arrangements? Is it 50/50 and how do you divide up the week? What is it with these men? I'm still at a loss to know what to do. Would be good to hear from you. Take care of yourself.