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How often would you leave your own child to go out/away with your new man?

(9 Posts)
OrangeFish Tue 07-Jul-09 19:36:18

Would you go away for more than 3 weeks in the space of 2 months (alternate weeks)? would you send your child to your parents, friends or the neighbour over a couple of other weekends so you can go away with new man?

Just wondering, I need a reality check. I was happy exh was dating this woman because DS and hers get along like a house of fire but lately, exh is no longer so interested in spending time with DS. He is away when he is supposed to have DS, and I have learned that he is also dumping DS with friends to go out/away with her on the days DS is meant to visit his dad.

A friend of exH's girlfirend brought DS back last time, apparently they were going away so they left him with this guy whose name/address/phone, I didn't even know... hmm

I suppose that what she does with her child is none of my business but I'm feeling very annoyed at finding out DS has been dumped out yet another time with people I don't even know so they could go out or away.

And probably I'm also a bit sad that I have heard so many people saying she is more compatible to him than I ever was because she is very much into parties, travel, theatre plays, opera and eating out as he is... Great! I was just like that pre children, the only difference I have with her then is that I had a not very healthy child who could be left behind so easily... nor any relatives to help bringing him up. Gosh... that woman is certainly enjoying my pre children life, and what saddens me most is that while exh is having such a glamorous expensive life... I can't even buy DS's special food on children maintenance money

ElenorRigby Tue 07-Jul-09 22:38:12

Orangefish, just a quick reply

I'm a step "mum" to DP's 6yo DD. I think it's really crappy to dump a child because of dating. When DP and I started dating he never once dumped his DD so we could go on a date. Both of us did and still do think its totally out of order to let children down. It's just not on to mess children around like that. They need stability and be able to trust their parents.

OrangeFish Wed 08-Jul-09 00:40:50

Thanks Elenor.

I do not know any other divorced non resident parent who is so blase about leaving his child with other people in the few days he is supposed to be with him. Yet, sometimes his being so open about this makes me wonder if I'm right or not.

Kazzi79 Wed 08-Jul-09 01:25:58

Personally I'd cut contact just to give him a bit of a reality check, its not fair on ds to be treated like this by his daddy....I know theres people who will say cutting contact is wrong (I'm one of them myself) but its better to have no dad in your life than one who messes the child around, of course when exh decides to start taking his responsibilities seriously then allow contact again, go through solicitors if need be to get something concrete in place, but exh needs to grow up and realise his child needs him, not being dumped on others!

ridingjoker Wed 08-Jul-09 08:10:17

i dont think this needs to get to the stage of denying contact.

seems op has quite an amicable relationship (sorry dont know your story op if its not) with her exh.

best to try and save that than its getting nasty and involving solicitors . that would innevitably be far worse for ds.

better to perhaps have a word.

op - has he been leaving them the whole time he's supposed to have him? or perhaps just getting someone else to drop them off.

my brother often stays over with me. and if he has booked to go away somewhere, it has happened on occasion that i have had to return his ds home and perhaps baby sit for a few hrs if he has to be at aiport.

the problem also arises if its wkd only access. often wkd stays require a fri or sat night stay. no excuse i know. but perhaps ask if he wants to switch to other days on the weeks he wants to go rather than shuffling ds about.

my brother and his ex work this way quite successfully. as sometimes she also wants to go away on one of her days, and can get a swap too.

at least op exh isn't just cancelling the ds altogether.

i'm newer to the LP lark than my brother. but i have experience in going away as well. i tend to book it when dc are at their dads, but he is quite unreliable and has demanding work. so i have to have backup plan of family and/or friends.

but i have successfully managed to swap days with my ex for going away for both myself and ex. and we have swapped our days for nights out too.

a diary helps here though if there is going to be lots of swaps. specially if there is alternative weeks and you need to work out who has dc on what wkd in few months time.

Kazzi79 Wed 08-Jul-09 10:01:34

I'm going by my experience of my ex spending 5 years of letting his children down to suit himself, I found that the only way was to get something concrete in place, I tried the amicable approach and it got me nowhere, solicitors and courts were only used as a last resort but its the best thing I did.

I definately agree that if possible the OP should try and keep things amicable but if it gets to a point where he's not taking being a dad seriously then you should look at putting something more concrete in place, good luck hope you get it sorted I know how stressful this situation is.

OrangeFish Wed 08-Jul-09 11:19:01

I have insisted that if he can not take care of DS that it would be better for me to take care of him. I still don't think that is fair on him to leave him to go out as he only has him on alternate weekends and wednesdays and surely, he can book his outings on the days he doesn't have DS (as I or many other parents do).

I wouldn't mind for DS to be taken care of by family, actually, I would welcome that, but we have no family in this country so... he is staying with friends or even friends of the new girlfriend.

I have mentioned about changing arrangements to avoid messing up DS so often but he wants to keep his options open. He has a life to live, he says... hmm

Solicitor will get involved, the good "relationship" is almost non existent now, and will get worse as soon as he gets my solicitor's reply to his separation of assets proposal. I know, I know, it is not worth it to ruin these things for the money but unfortunately, I need that money to continue to provide for DS as clearly his father seems to be distancing himself from his responsibilities as a father.

NotPlayingAnyMore Wed 08-Jul-09 11:36:05

If you were dumping DS on other people for the vast majority of the time he was supposed to be with you, XH would be the first to start talking about solicitors, if not social services!

"he wants to keep his options open. He has a life to live"... classic. I wouldn't blame you for getting the law involved at this point as it seems it will be the only thing which will make him accept his responsibilities.

Sorry to hear this - your poor DS

OrangeFish Fri 10-Jul-09 09:31:18

Thank you for your post. I guess you are right, unfortunately it seems that's the only way. Otherwise he just corrects the behaviour for a few days and then we are back to square one.

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