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Seperated from husband - young children involved

(5 Posts)
AlwaysTheMummy Tue 07-Jul-09 09:50:25

At the beginning of the year I wasn't happy in our relationship and needed a break to think things through, he moved out and because I wasnt sure if it was a temporary thing we told our 6 year old son that daddy worked away during the week and he would see him at the weekend, he accepted this because his dad normally worked a lot during the week so it was almost normal for him.

Just the past week we decided not to get back together, me and the kids are moving to be nearer my family and their dad, we currently live 50 miles away from them. I sat down with my son and explained that while we weren't living together mummy and daddy were still best friends and we loved him very much and that when we moved to be nearer he could see his dad whenever he wanted, my husband is ecstatic that we are moving closer as he wants to be more involved with our son and our 18 month old daughter.

The only thing that worries me is that my son doesn't seem affected by this at all, I'm worried that hes bottling up his feelings and this can only be a bad thing, he is a very emotional little boy and sometimes I have seen him look sad but he will deny anything is upsetting him.

Any kind words or advice with how do get through to my son would be great, thank you in advance xx

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern Tue 07-Jul-09 10:09:46

First of all he is 6 don't worry about getting through to him. RIght now all he is concerned about is how things are changing for him and right now until you move they are not changing at all.
I have been through the same, we have seperated, both found other partners and both moved in with other partners and my dc's 3 and 5 have barely batted an eye lid.
I tried to be as honest as possible with dd especially being a bit older but also was wary of giving her too much information. I gave her what she needed to know and made sure I answered any questions she had that popped up from what info she had been given.

Even when we moved I knew when we were actually moving 2 months before we actually did but never told her the exact time scales just we were moving as at 5, 2 months means nothing to them might as well be 2 years and I didn't want her to worry about things that might never happen.

I am not saying that everything was without problems, both the children were very clingy to me when we did move and found it difficult for me to be out their sight for more than a short time I think mainly because everything else had changed for them that I was the one constant at that time and they needed me.

The danger here is that you try to push adult feelings onto your ds and see upset that isn't there. Mummy and Daddy not living together is not a big deal for him as his father hasn't been around full time for a long time so to him waht is there to get upset about. And also at that age I don't think they understand enough about adult relationships to get upset about a seperation in the way we would especially as right now it doesn't affect his world day to day.

Questions will come from him as things start changing for him, answer them as honestly as you possibly can but don't overload him with things because you don't think he is upset enough.

DP's son is 9 and he has been far less phased than even my dd when his parents split up because less changed for him. He still seen/sees his dad every day and when we got our house is was deliberatle close (reasonably) to dss so he could easily see him every day.

AlwaysTheMummy Tue 07-Jul-09 10:19:29

Thank you, I guess the questions will come as and when, I just thought he would have been more upset because normally he is very emotional.

I think my biggest fear is that as they get older my kids are gonna hate me for me and their dad not being together so I'm dissecting every flicker of emotion that passes over my sons face

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern Tue 07-Jul-09 10:27:39

He isn't upset because nothing is changing really. I believe that one of the reasons my dd wasn't too fussed was because her dad had worked away from home for almost as long as she could remember so when we split nothing was different.

I went through all the same things believe me I am sure we all have that guilt over it but they would hate you more if you stayed in a relationship you were unhappy in and made a miserable household for them growing up than doing this now and bringing them up as a happy mum.

You are going through a big scary time no matter how much you know it's the right thing and it's normal to worry about the children but they are tough and at the age he is at will take more of it in his stride than you think.

AlwaysTheMummy Tue 07-Jul-09 10:35:52

On the plus side my son is a mummys boy so I suppose as long as I'm there everything will be fine, he's really excited about moving closer to family as he will see my sister (she's only 14) a lot more and he adores her.

My daughter is only 18 months old so this is not affecting her at all.

The good thing that has come out of all of this is as you say, I'm so much happier and my kids are happy whereas when we were still together, I was very irritable and angry and the kids were very clingy or even in the case of my daughter she wouldn't let me cuddle her.

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