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Venting over Ex being a prat, rather long sorry!

(4 Posts)
hatesponge Sun 05-Jul-09 20:45:30

Background: Ex is an abusive arse, but is reasonably OK with children. So when I left him, I agreed we should have a joint residence arrangement - all informal, not through courts. He leaves for work at 5.30am Mon-Fri so there is no way he can have the DC during the week hence he insisted (& I agreed as otherwise he threatened to take me to court for full custody of DS2) that he had them every weekend Fri-Sun.

This means he essentially gets more time with them than me (as I work full time so dont see them between 7.30am-6.30pm in any event), but I agreed at the time to keep the peace.I asked him to alter the arrangements months ago as I was hardly seeing them to which his charming response was 'Just because that c*nt you were seeing has told you to fuck off, you're not changing this to suit you'

I was seeing someone. It ended in part as Ex threatened him. I didnt see him every weekend anyway as he has DC of his own. So my reasons had nothing to do with that, but should show what a spiteful arse ex is.

So, fast forward to now. Last weekend DC come back on sun & tell me they have spent weekend at nannys (Ex's family). DS1 hates it there, he is expected to watch TV and be quiet all weekend & he gets v bored. I have 'words' by text with Ex over this, no real response from him. A few days later DC come home advising Ex has now booked a 14 day holiday to mexico, leaving in a fortnight. Started an AIBu thread about this, if it sounds familiar.

DS1 stayed with me last night as he went to a friends party yesterday evening (I am friends with the parents so was helping etc). DS2 was meant to be with his dad but has come home tonight & told me he spent all day yesterday & today at his friends.

So thats 2 weekends on the trot Ex has palmed DC off. Its not just they are sleeping over, but he leaves them there all day. DS2 said he hasnt really seen his dad at all this weekend. I just feel hes such a prat, he made a horrendous fuss about having the kids and now he cant be arsed.

I know full well the reason why - he has got himself a new GF, and is far more interested in shagging her than seeing the DC. She has her own children, but I know they are at their dads at weekends.....

Am so pissed off with the whole thing, especially since I said to ex last week if he couldnt look after them for all/part of weekend at any time, then I always would. I know I'm probably being oversensitive, but I would welcome others views. I just dont feel I can let this keep going on every weekend; i honestly dont think this is coincidence, as I know that about 3 weeks ago EX & GF had a row about him being too attached to me (and DC) & not committed enough to her etc [hmmm]

OnlyWantsOne Sun 05-Jul-09 22:56:16

change some thing, go to mediation and have an agreement drawn up, failing that - solicitor

oldraver Mon 06-Jul-09 14:55:38

Just tell him from now on you are sending the children every other week. Offer him an evening in the week and it will be up to him to take it. You have nothing legally to say you have to send them every week.. If he wants to be an arse he will take you to court (or whatever comes first) but I reckon he will go with it as it will suit him but probably blame you for altering access IYSWIM

If he had gone down the legal route he would of probably only got every other week anyway as thta seems the norm. I dont know what would happen if he did seek legal advice as a precedent has been set but I reckon he will see it as benefitting him

notsohotchic Mon 06-Jul-09 16:18:13

Hate sponge: How long have you had this informal joint contact arrangement? I too would like to renegotiate more time as like you I let him have more (2 nights one w.e and 1 night next, dinner on weds, half of hols..)to keep the peace. But I signed a solicitors agreement and I think that makes it more official. Or is it more just the precendent that counts? So confusing! I want every other weekend. Trouble is, he already manipulates the children eg. 'I wish you could stay over more too but Mummy won't let you'!! angryObviously, he wants even more time with them himself! (no chance!)
It seems really unfair that you are getting so little time with them - no leisure time at all!!

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