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I know their father drinks too much... Where would you draw the line re. childcare??

(8 Posts)
notsohotchic Sun 05-Jul-09 17:03:21

A tricky one here... Although its bound to be a familiar problem to others out there. My ex (who has been suffering from mental problems he can't acknowledge since before we seperated)has always drunk a lot every night, evenings after children in bed. Things have been and continue to be DREADFUL between us and so I avoid speaking to him at all. We split 2yrs 3 mths ago, time to recover? Well he hasn't addressed the breakup going from one relationship to another, I feel, looking for a replacement for me and a new mummy figure for the children. Doesn't seem to work out though! I suspect his last relationship has finished. The children have stopped mentioning her and he has been spotted drinking twice alone outside the local hell-hole (Jockey?!) last week. Thats not like him. I don't feel I can ask him as he almost burst into tears when I last said 'how are thing then?'. And I can't be the one to comfort him: he has been SO AWFUL constantly since he realised I would never change my mind and get back together. On every subject he's made my life difficult and has also tried to use the children to manipulate things.
My friend saw him out drinking the night before he went on my daughters school trip as a parent helper. HE DROVE. I have no doubt he was over the limit. He's been looking red and unshaven and smelling of booze. Pretty sure its still just eve drinking. Kids told me he is often in bed and lets them get breakfast and even go on the computer on their own on a morning while he lies in. I really don't want to make things worse as he will be aggressive about any criticism, but don't want my children being drunk-driven or unsupervised. They are 9, 6 and 3. His bedroom is in the attic, ie. he wouldn't hear anything. The older children are protective of him so I am very cautious when trying to find out how things are. He is due to take them to Spain for a week soon. It scares me.

Starbear Mon 06-Jul-09 09:08:08

I'm sorry to hear about your circumstances but I think you need to get some professional help with this before you both make a mistake that you'll regret over the children. He should not be drunk in charge of a child under 5 in a public place. That is against the law. Drink Drive well you know that one. Could you contact alcoholics Anonymous for families. OR dare I say this social services, G.P to give you day to day advice.
Maybe write a very carefully worded letter re your concerns. Make sure your solicitor read it and says it okay just try and get across to him you are worried for his health.
My dad drank heavily and I've got to say my mum never left him to look after us. We were better off looking after ourselves! She divorced him when she was in her 40's then took him back with new rules a couple of years later. It must be hard for all of you. sad

lou33 Mon 06-Jul-09 09:12:11

the final straw for me was when my now ex h drove drunk to get our kids from school

this all sounds very familiar, and i doubt it will ever improve

exh rarely bothers with the kids but i have said he cant have them overnight until he can remain sober , and mine are older than yours

you have to think about what is best for your children and yourself, not about how he will throw his toys out of the pram, he is not your priority

notsohotchic Mon 06-Jul-09 14:54:25

Thanks for advice. I know it sounds terrible. The thing is, I have not challenged him before because I thought he was only drinking excessively on an eve when they were with me. I suppose I wanted to believe he was being responsible with them. Now I am suspicious. I spoke on phone with him today and told him that if I hear of any more unsupervised time in the morning or drinking on an eve when they are there I will go straight to solicitor. He did his usual try-to-turn-it-on-her thing and said my eldest told him I'd let her use cooker on her own. That was once and she is very confident (9) I didn't know. Typical! He denied what I said but I think he got the message. We will see. Anyone else, experience of the ex drinking..?

secretsquirrel1 Mon 06-Jul-09 15:37:16

Notso - how long have you got? (And see the thread for the partners of addicts - part 2!)

My (now) EH rocked up at the creche to collect our DD, acting 'sober' but smelling of drink - 3 members of staff reported it to the manager....he was going home in a taxi (he couldn't drive & it was raining otherwise he'd have gone on 2 buses....Yikes!) so they let him go but not before informing me about it. Luckily they were aware of his drinking because I had already informed them (just on a need to know basis).

Drinking thrives on secrecy and if you start telling people about it/challenging the unacceptable behaviour then the alcoholic gets very mean & petty....hence the 'well DD said that you let her do blah blah blah'. Don't be sidetracked into justifying what you did/did not allow/do. That is not the issue.

You have a duty of care to those kids, just like anyone in the street would have if they saw that he was drunk in charge of them. If he is living alone then he has to be supervised. Can they not see him at his parents (if he still has parents?).

secretsquirrel1 Mon 06-Jul-09 15:42:13

Sorry - should have said 'The Support Thread for the Partners of Addicts Part 2' smile

notsohotchic Mon 06-Jul-09 16:03:02

Ah! If only! His mother and he (dead dad) have always had a strained piss-taking (as in heavy mean sarcasm directed at each other)relationship and since we seperated and she and his step dad were on my side over me with kids staying in house they don't even talk. In an ideal world he could see them there, because they have always been great with the children. But he would have to apologise to his mother for the many dreadful things he has said/done over the last couple of years, AND be able to admit that he has a problem and can't be trusted. No chance at all.

secretsquirrel1 Tue 07-Jul-09 10:53:07

Dammit.....will rack brains for you!

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