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Soon to become a lone parent...do I try to include my ex or give up???

(4 Posts)
xxhunnyxx Wed 01-Jul-09 15:12:39

My baby is due any time now, baby's Dad is somebody who I have been friends with for about 7 years and we've been romantically involved on and off for most of that time.
The pregnancy was planned altho our relationship wasn't great at the time, he has commitment issues but stupidly I thought having a baby would sort out our problems - I was wrong!
He's always been very fond of his drink, but again I thought he'd calm down when I was pregnant, again I was wrong!
He started off being excited about the pregnancy but as it's getting closer to the time he's becoming more and more of a c@$*! We've had various break ups and fall outs over the last few months but we've always managed to resolve our issues and at least stay friends - until now.
He's not really supported me through the pregnancy, he began by promising that he'd buck his ideas up once I got to about 7 months, but that time has come and gone and he's still more interesting in getting drunk with his mates than caring about me and his baby. I've not even seen him in abut 2 months and he never bothers to ring or text to check how we are. He's also not contributed any money towards baby's things.
Things finally came to a head last weekend when I had early signs of labour but instead of him comin to stay with me he decided to go out with his mates and ignored my calls and texts. Since then we've not spoken.
He seems to have gone totally off the rails lately, all his friends are worried about him as they want him to calm down and wind his neck in, he's started hanging around with a new bunch of younger lads who are not good for him at all, it's like he's just running away from his responsibilities and I feel like I don't even know who is anymore. He's changed and I don't like it.
I'm just at the end of my tether with it all. I still care about him and I don't want him to miss his son's birth or miss seeing him grow up. And I want my son to know his Dad, but only the nice side that I know, not this guy who is at the moment.
I dread the day that my son will turn round to me and ask why all the other little girls and boys have daddy's and he doesn't.
I'm not really too bothered about being a single Mum, I'm just so excited to become a Mum and meet my baby, I know that I will love him to bits and with the support of my friends and family I'll manage just fine.
I just don't know whether I'm fighting a losing battle by trying to get my ex to face up to his responsibilities and be a good Dad or whether I should just give up???
Also, has anybody been in a similar situation and the guy has changed once he saw the baby?

DanieC Wed 01-Jul-09 18:29:06

i feel for you hunny i really do! have been thorugh the same sort of thing when i was pregnant with my first!!
he DID change after she ws born but still all the hard work (feeds, nappie changes ect) was still left up to me

i think most blokes get a bit scarred when theres a child due to be born (weather it his first or second, third...) but he need to know that its not acceptable behaviour!
do you get on with his mum? i found speaking to my other half mum when he ws doing this was a great help and found out stuff about his childhood that may have made him go a bit moody before the birth.

the thing is though you need his emotional support more than anything, especailly after the baby is here and if he cant give that to you when its just the 2 of you, without the baby feeds and sleepless nights getting to you both then will he be there for YOU if it really get tough??

i hope this is more help than hinder to you! i'm sorry if it dont help at all hmm

you need to figure out what you need, as long as mummy is happy baby should be too!xxx

OrangeFish Wed 01-Jul-09 21:10:21

I know of people who changed when they saw the baby, but they were in very committed relationships.

It seems to me that you are not in one, and expecting him to change and become the person he has never been it is likely to take far more than a baby.

Thinking at what you have written, particularly to his lack of care... do you really want that man around your child? I would say that a child could be hurt more by having an unpredictable and unreliable father around than by not having one at all. Actually, I would say that that sort of behaviour has been the starting point of many divorces.

Raising a kid takes a lot of commitment, if he doesn't have it, I'm afraid he is not the man you want to have around. He is more likely to become an extra burden than someone to provide support.

xxhunnyxx Thu 02-Jul-09 11:08:04

DanieC yes I do get on with his Mum and she has been a great support to me over the last few months but I went to see her a couple of weeks ago and I felt like she was just making a load of excuses for him. Things like saying that he's not been able to get a job because there aren't any in the area, the truth is he hasn't applied for a single one! He's not even tried to get a job. He's the youngest of 5 kids so I think she kinda of mollycoddles him a bit. She thinks that I should just wait and see what happens once the baby is born and she has probably got a point.

orangefish I would be happy if he just went back to the person he was a year or 2 ago, altho our relationship still wasn't great the person he was would never have behaved like this. I think he is depressed, it's just like he doesn't care about anybody or any thing any more.
I agree tho, I don't know if I want him in my child's life, I don't want him being let down and hurt by him and he isn't a good role model. But then again, he's his Dad and he's the only one his got.

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