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Should i let my ex see his son

(13 Posts)
jane75 Tue 30-Jun-09 10:19:28

Have never been on this site before, just hoping someone may read this who has been through a similar experience.

I met my sons father whirlwind romance and seemed so genuine and gentle. He soon turned into a controlling person who didnt allow me to see my friends. The aggression started with the beer, throwing pints over me in local pub, beat me up and bit my forehead. He was aggressive with everyone when he had had a drink. I forgave him everytime ( i cant believe it now). I fell pregnant and at 7mths pregnant he became aggressive through beer and i asked him to leave, he stole my money from my account leaving me penniless. He wasnt with me during the birth, i rang him when i had my son and he visited with nothing for him. I tried again with him for 4wks when my son was 4wks old and he continued to be aggressive, so he finally left. Police have been involved more times than i can count, i have retracted statements for the domestic violence thinking he would have changed. We went to court last year for the theft of my money and he blatently lied to my face, i couldnt beleive it and was so shocked that he would lie in a court room. He never saw his son again til some 3mths after, this lasted 5 wks the last time being everytime he returned him he would threaten me and call me names, all my neighbours were aware of what he was doing. I have had counselling and came through it, i am a fulltime working mum with my own mortgage. He has given me £10 in 18mths. He hasnt seen his dad for 8mths and i received a solicitors letter wanting access ( he wouldnt go on the birth cert because i wouldnt give him his surname!). I have denied him access and want it to go through court, when he did see him he wouldnt tell me where he was living or taking my son, the courts can do his background checks (domestic violence unit told me that there had been 67 999 calls within 3 years from previous girlfriends)and doctors reports ( i forgot to tell you i found out also that he had been sectioned under the mental health act some 5 years ago twice). Knock at the door my ex girlfriend ( very nice from what i can tell) telling me he has changed and that she hasnt seen his nasty side.

I am in a new realtionship now and finally moving on, i dont want my son to hate me when hes older but i have no confidence in my ex of looking after my son. I am in dire straits wondering what to do. Anyone with similar eperiences or advice i would be so grateful.

cestlavielife Tue 30-Jun-09 10:48:17

let him take you to court - and insist on only supervised access at a contact centre.

no one is going to expect you to ahdn pover your child to someone he really doesnt know and given the police/medical reports you can ask for supervised contact sessions at a contact centre.

if the new girlfriend is nice and you trust her then there may be hope...

jane75 Tue 30-Jun-09 10:54:38

Thanks for the reply.

I have spoke to my solictor and supervised access was mentioned and this was the path i am willing to take. I dont want to make the decision because i personally will never trust him and only the courts have access to his background, and they will be more than qualified to know whether he is fit. As for his girlfriend i dont know her she just said he couldnt afford solicitors. I am willing to sell our home to get what is right for my son through the proper channels.

Niceguy2 Tue 30-Jun-09 16:54:21

Hi Jane

Usually I'm a very pro-contact sort of person but I'd probably think you were a couple of bricks short of a hod if you just let your ex have contact.

Personally if I'd been through what you have and given his history of violence and mental (in)stability, i'd fight him every damn step of the way.

MaggieBeeBeau Tue 30-Jun-09 17:47:43

Is it too late to go back and confirm that your original statements were true?

If you could allow some supervised contact then I think it would be for the best for you in the long run.. You wouldn't worry that your son would grow up hating you and idolising your x.

Unlike you, I have no proof that my x was violent or abusive or controlling. He was all of those things, but not only does he deny it, he doesn't see it that way.. I never reported it, not a single time. Even when there were kicked down doors and bruises and clumps of hair torn out of my head. I so wish I had gone to the police.

My children do see their Dad, but only because my parents facilitate that for the children's sakes. WIthout them I don't know how any of us could bare it... My parents can hardly bare it tbh.

I do it ONLY so that my children have a face to the name Daddy. That's it.

Good luck.

idranktheteaatwork Tue 30-Jun-09 19:37:21

It doesn't matter that you withdrew the statements, there will still be a record of an incident and more than one does tend to be considered well worth taking heed of.

Mumofagun Tue 30-Jun-09 22:54:41

Under the Freedom of Information Act, as the victim, you can ask police for a record of the incidents where you called police, details of the crime reports you loged initially before you withdrew them. You can have this information as proof of what he put you through. The police won't be able to give you anything in writing I wouldn't have thought about the 67 "other" ex girlfriend incidents though. Get that info in preparation then do nothing. Let HIM take you to court and see if he actually bothers putting the effort into that first. Forget what the "new" girlfriend says, she doesn't have to worry about your child's safety does she? Why is she at the door and not him? I think you're right to deny access until a court sees the full picture and then I would only ever be thinking supervised contact. But let him do all the running. You've done everything yourself up until now, let him show how much he's changed and how much his DC means to him. Good luck. smile

Mumofagun Tue 30-Jun-09 22:56:38

BTW who said the courts do background checks? I've been through the courts for years and they have never done any checks on my XP?

jane75 Wed 01-Jul-09 12:18:27

Thank you all for your comments it really has helped me.

Mumofagun- My solicitor told me that the courts would request background checks due to the circumstances. Ask your solicitor about this?

My X threatened me with solicitors last year, then nothing for the next 6mths so i will just carry on as i have loving and caring for my children.

jane75 Wed 01-Jul-09 12:25:33

I think the reason his new girlfriend came was because my solicitor wrote to him the last time he came to my door hurling abuse and threats. I keep a diary of any incidents. And through Counselling at work and GP i have become alot stronger. For some reason i feel very guilty about the situation and wish things had been different for my son, but i know i could never trust him again. And if any form of contact be established i want it through court and supervised. [SMILE]

GypsyMoth Wed 01-Jul-09 12:59:11

Yes. Background checks are also made by carcass as well as being court ordered. I asked for a forensic psychiatric assesment on my ex. This checks everything!! Am extremely shocked at what I discovered about my ex, especially as I was given the full report containing police records and all medical records. Ask for my ex's case I discovered he was actually going to kill me!! He's now been referred for further assesment

jane75 Wed 01-Jul-09 16:47:51

If it gets that far i will do TIF.

Do you have a restraining order against him now? Its scarey. Hope your OK x

GypsyMoth Wed 01-Jul-09 19:15:02

No not got a restraining order. He's 230 miles away and now he's disabled.

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