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What happens if you divorce and you have no financial means of your own

(34 Posts)
hereidrawtheline Fri 26-Jun-09 22:22:11

I'm a SAHM of a DS who has SN. I also have really bad migraines that prevent me from working classic jobs. I am writing and hope to get paid commissions soon.

I was just wondering what would happen to me and DS if DH and I divorced. I have no family here or friends of my own I am American. DH is the sole earner. We rent a house.

I very much doubt it will happen because I usually get persuaded out of this thinking but I am steaming angry at the moment and fed up and wondering if my life would indeed be the hell hole I fear it would.

Sorry if this post is offensive in any way I am really trying to find out what my options are and cant be bothered to namechange. TIA.

OrangeFish Sat 27-Jun-09 00:56:48

What would happen... how long is a piece of string?

It all depends in your circumstances. There is a benefit/tax credit calculator ( ) that can provide some of the answers. Having said that, those benefits may not apply if you are subject to immigration control. So it all depends on your particular circumstances.

In terms of maintenance, if your DS is with you 7 nights a week, your ex will be asked to pay 15% of his salary as child maintenance, but there could be some "variations" if your child has a disability. Spousal maintenance can be arranged, but it depends on a multitude of factors.

If you wanted to go back to your country, things can get a bit tricky. You will need to apply for a permission to remove your child permanently from the country. But could be done, provided you are prepared to demonstrate that you want to move in order to have a better support network that ultimately will be of benefit to your child.

gettingagrip Sat 27-Jun-09 09:02:21

Bit off-topic, and I am sure you have, but have you tried magnesium for your migraines? If you got those sorted could you work a bit more?

Sympathise as I too have terrible migraines.

This fashion now for everything and everybody to be stinking to high-heaven of volatile organic compounds is making my life impossible.

Recently have had to give up my much loved hobby as can't cope with the smell at the venue.

I am self-employed and I have to ask my clients not to use all these stinking products otherwise I am out for three days.



expatinscotland Sat 27-Jun-09 09:22:37

If you do not have indefinite leave to remain, and are here on the initial 2-year spouse visa, you may find it hard to remain in the country.

Otherwise, what your life will be like depends a great deal on what sort of arrangement you and your ex make regarding your assets and maintenance.

expatinscotland Sat 27-Jun-09 09:22:39

If you do not have indefinite leave to remain, and are here on the initial 2-year spouse visa, you may find it hard to remain in the country.

Otherwise, what your life will be like depends a great deal on what sort of arrangement you and your ex make regarding your assets and maintenance.

hereidrawtheline Sat 27-Jun-09 09:30:20

thanks for your replies. I can stay in this country as long as I like now, I've been here 8 years.

I have not tried magnesium actually for my migraines! Will look into that.

It is probably pointless to consider this anyway because my DH would fight a divorce every step of the way and he is very persuasive. He is no monster by any means, he is a wonderful man. But he constantly does inconsiderate things that hurt me and make me angry and he never changes. And I am pissed off to be honest I am sick of being upset then apologised to. I know no one is perfect, least of all me I just feel like he is too thoughtless sometimes. Sometimes he will go a while without doing anything really inconsiderate and sometimes it will be one thing after another and I lose my patience because I've barely had time to move on from one little thing before he heaps another on.


BonsoirAnna Sat 27-Jun-09 09:34:42

Why don't you try couples counselling (Relate) to try to strike a better deal with your husband?

hereidrawtheline Sat 27-Jun-09 09:55:55

we cant afford paid counselling at the moment. I have been asking him to get counselling for his very deep rooted issues for years and he has not. He now says he has asked for an appointment so we'll see. I was thinking Relate has some sort of online chat thing for parents which is free so I will look into that. I am just totally fed up with him at the moment and his constant undermining. I want to be happy because it is the easiest, best option for our family and I have always figured splitting up was not really an option given our circumstances, and although he is infuriating me I wouldnt necessarily be better off alone. But right now I am just steaming mad.

BonsoirAnna Sat 27-Jun-09 09:57:18

Can you give some examples of his inconsiderate behaviour?

hereidrawtheline Sat 27-Jun-09 10:12:39

I'll sound really stupid if I do.

yesterday he gave DS a present I had thought up, plastic guttering to use as a slide for his cars, while I was having a short break in my room, even though I got these weeks ago and said I was saving them as a treat for DS and I wanted to give it to him. He said when I got up and saw and was clearly disappointed "I assumed you would have known I did" hmm how? how could I have known you gave him my present when 2 days ago I said I couldnt wait to give it at the weekend? I am not omnipotent.

This morning he we wake up, he always does breakfast at the weekend. I said I was going to eat mine in bed as I wanted a short time to myself, DS is SN as I said and very full on and this is my weekly treat. He made him and DS breakfast, and brought me a cup of tea. Then I realise he and DS were sat in the living room eating and I hadnt had any food. So I said, could I have some as well please? and was quite hmm and he said "oh I just assumed you wouldnt want any" which is bizarre because I never ever skip breakfast it makes me ill.

He "assumes" a lot of things like this. Last night I said after hours of research "I think DS has aspergers after all I want to talk about x,y and z to his pead" and he made this really exaggerated face of scorn and astonishment like I was talking gibberish and said "yes but yesterday CAHMS said it was absolutely 100% ruled out, are you saying he, the expert, is wrong?" And I had to deep breath and I said "he did not say it was ruled out, he said he wasnt ruling anything out and that it was unlikely but still to be considered" He then said "oh well whatever I cant be expected to remember everything like a computer" and I said "yes but you said that as if you did remember... " and I was clearly annoyed because this is so fucking typical, he makes a big statement founded on bullshit and I call him on it and then he gets his back up and says "well how should I know" hmm So then he said he should not be attacked by me because he couldnt remember!!!!

And I said, yes but you didnt say you couldnt remember, you said with conviction it was a definite, that is another thing. And I am not attacking you, I am defending myself because you just talked to me like I was a moron and it turns out you were talking a load of hot air

It sounds stupid I know. And he can go a while without making a complete ass out of himself I am sure. But he goes through phases, weeks and weeks where he is so combative.

DS hasnt been sleeping at all. I got the idea to get him a revolving disco light thing for his room to give him something to look at and relax him. I found, thanks to some lovely MNers a great one for not too much money. Then, DS, strangely, slept last night. So this morning DH looks at me like I've sprouted a second head because I mentioned going to the shop to buy this thing. "but he slept last night" um... yes. But he most often doesnt. it is about £10. Why not just get it because odds are 90% in our favour he wont sleep tonight. It is like as soon as any one thing happens, his memory of everything that came before is wiped.

BonsoirAnna Sat 27-Jun-09 10:18:07

You don't sound stupid smile at all.

Your DH sounds as if he lives in the minute and doesn't consider the impact his actions that suit him right now will have on others or indeed on himself in the long term. Is he impulsive in other ways?

hereidrawtheline Sat 27-Jun-09 10:21:36

no he is not impulsive at all. he would not usually act unless acted upon with big things, important things, new things. But with considering mine & DS's feelings he is selfish to a fault at times. He just carries on like a bloody bull in a china shop and I get walked on, in the nicest possible way.

BonsoirAnna Sat 27-Jun-09 10:24:09

He sounds childish - does not do the big things in life and wants the little things all his own way.

hereidrawtheline Sat 27-Jun-09 10:27:38

he also is a bit of a bully but usually in the way that his "motives" are good. Like when we argue or I am really upset with him and I say I want a few mins on my own to calm down he will follow me around and badger me trying to get me to talk to him "because he doesnt want to argue" etc. But I need to be left alone for a few mins. I will say this, clearly, and on the 2nd or 3rd time I will shout it because I start to lose my temper and then he looks really wounded that I have shouted and sort of steps back with his hands up, like "whoa" and I am like wtf angry I have after all been SAYING I need to be left alone! Not followed around the bloody house with you asking me questions.

hereidrawtheline Sat 27-Jun-09 10:29:30

I feel really guilty for badmouthing him like this. He is also very very loyal and helpful with what I want to do for myself, like with my writing. And he arranged a fab surprise holiday for my birthday etc.

gettingagrip Sat 27-Jun-09 10:33:47

Have a look at this

see if it rings a few bells

SolidGoldBrass Sat 27-Jun-09 10:43:15

Hereidraw: your H is emotionally abusive. This behaviour is deliberate. It's textbook stuff designed to undermine you and make you look bad. Bascially it is all about power and control, by manipulating you he makes himself feel good. There is no changing a person like this so you need to look into all the legal/financial aspects of getting rid of him.

hereidrawtheline Sat 27-Jun-09 10:46:38

gettingagrip I can see the parallels there yes. And this may make me sound silly to MNers but I cant believe he would do anything malicious towards me, I cant believe he is even capable of enough planning ahead to consciously manipulate me. He seems so oblivious to these things.

I have posted on MN under different names in the past over some problems like this and shown him the threads which suggest such forms of unhealthy relationship etc and he says, he can see how someone would draw those comparisons, if they didnt know him. But that some people want to see abuse where there is just love and worry and stupidity of conveying himself (i.e. how he gets all this shit wrong) and he says, hands up, I'm an idiot. But I am not abusing you, I have stood by you and cared for you (due to my migraines) and loved you, and I do this for you and that for you, I tell you how beautiful you are, I never go out, I dont want anything but you and DS. You and DS are everything to me, I love you, I'm sorry I'm an idiot. Let me keep working on it please.

And I know it may sound naive to you but I just (usually) cant believe that what he says isnt true. I mean, he is 80% great husband and 20% horrible twister of facts. And he does just claim a complete emotional ineptness.

I sometimes worry that he has some sort of undiagnosed special need. I dont think AS but something that seems to prevent him from being able to reflect on his own actions and how they affect others.

I am so confused and more than a little embarrassed that I've posted this under my real name.

SolidGoldBrass Sat 27-Jun-09 10:50:59

FFS HereIdraw this man is a classic emotional abuser. 'No one else understands... OUr relationship is so special and different.... I am never going to sotp psetering you for attention and bullying you till I get my own way over every tiny little thing... telling you how much I love you while setting traps for you, denying your feelings, even depriving you of food is just a demonstration of how I feel...'
Undiagnosed special need my arse. What he needs is a kick in the cock.

gettingagrip Sat 27-Jun-09 10:56:26

Well the problem with personality disorders is that they are a PART of the person. Most people with personality disorders are not ALL bad or they would be psychopaths. And if they were bad all the time then of course you would run for the hills .

PDs are on a spectrum, and people can have more than one, or features of more than one.

Sadly, even if what he is doing is 'unconscious', and that is still being debated, it will never change because this is how he is.

Have a look at this
There are many sites and support groups around.

If he does have a PD, then you cannot change him, and it is not your fault.

What is his family background?

hereidrawtheline Sat 27-Jun-09 10:57:10

sorry SGB I know I probably sound lame to you. I always admire your emotional integrity on threads wrt relationships etc. And I think I am the same but I cant seem to believe this of my own relationship. I just cant believe it, he seems sometimes gormless and immature and bullying and emotionally cowardly with the truth, all of these things. I'm just not sure they arent normal I guess. I mean I know no one is perfect. And I want to give him credit for all the good things. And I know he thinks I am too hard on him. I just dont know. I am really confused. I'm sorry if it makes you feel like you are bashing your head against the wall but I just dont know you are right and he is wrong. And it is my son's happiness on the line, either way. So I dont know what to do.

And of course I love him and we have a great laugh at times, he takes a great interest in my journalism and we love sci-fi and giggle over nonsense. So I just dont know. Its like living in a place of funhouse mirrors sometimes. I really do not know what I am looking at.

hereidrawtheline Sat 27-Jun-09 10:58:23

sorry I have to dash atm we are going to buy DS his disco ball thingy - will be back later this afternoon & thanks for talking through it with me.

gettingagrip Sat 27-Jun-09 11:00:23

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

This is the classic PD in which lack of empathy and gaslighting are defining features.

Nighbynight Sat 27-Jun-09 11:16:41

herei, its a tricky situation. Only you can decide the moment at which teh disadvantages outweigh the advantages of your relationship. But I will tell you that I had nice conversations with my ex h right up to the moment when I refused to open the door to ex h, because he was simply too violent to be allowed in my house any more.
There was always a fun side to him. Even now, we can have nice talks, even though I know that he is violent and controlling, and the children and me are better off if we have somewhere to live where he cant go.
It is not a simple, black and white situation, and can be difficult to see the wood for the trees.

SolidGoldBrass Sat 27-Jun-09 20:01:15

Herei - I don't think you are lame at all. It's very, very hard and draining to live with a person like this, whether he's actively malevolent (which I suspect but of course I don't know the man) or just thoughtless and self-obsessed. Living with someone who contradicts you and puts you down all the time makes it harder and harder to trust your own judgement about anything.

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