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Ex partner rant...

(20 Posts)
odearyme Wed 24-Jun-09 09:04:00

Just need to get stuff off my chest really and feeling sorry for myself

My ex partner was verbally abusive and violent in te sense he used to smash our house up.

We split up 2 years ago, and he still see's my Ds (4) every other weekend.

He is still making my life a misery and I'm really struggling to cope. He doesn't pay any maintenance, is self employed so dodges it in one of the CSA's loopholes. He left me in quite a lot of debt which I am struggling to pay off.

The thing that is getting to me is the constant bullying. I recently joined a gym, and had nasty messages all weekend about how I was too old/fat etc (I'm a size 10, 30 years old) and how I am shit at my job and I shouldn't inflict myself on oter people.

I know he is just being nasty, but he is now teacing my Ds to call me "minging mummy" When I told him this was out of order, he laughed and said I needed to grow up.

I try every day to rise above it, but I have really low self esteem, and half of the stuff is probably true, which is why it hurts so much.

When my Ds comes back form his house after the weekend e is vile nasty and aggressive, even his nursery have commented on te things is "dad has told him to say"

What do I do, everyone tells me to stop access, but I just feel too weak to do it, it sounds selfis, but that weekend is the only time I get to myself, and I use it to try and do things to make me feel less depressed.

chim000 Wed 24-Jun-09 09:12:17

I know exactly how you feel.

Abusive, intimidating, controlling ex. The relationship ended with him assaulting me.

The massive debts that he has left me with (I'm now getting a DRO to sort it)

He puts me down, e.g. I've put on quite a bit of weight, although am still a size 10, and he's asking 'are you pregnant?' Things like that, making little jibes that other people wouldn't notice.

While my boys aren't as bad now as they used to be, they used to be sheer hell to look after for the 1st week after I had them back.

I'm being urged to stop contact becasue of his drinking & drug-taking (see my other thread re SS) and I know I need to but feel like I can't go through the hell I had 18 months ago (But am going to follow through with the suggestions from other people on there).

That time off is so precious to me and I don't want their dad to stop having contact, just stop in the way that he is, i.e. getting drunk when he has them.

I'm sorry I have no advice to give, but just wanted to give you a little support, let you know you're not alone. smile

odearyme Wed 24-Jun-09 09:15:37

Thanks for that. I just had him on the phone going mental, apparantly I have no sense of humour, and him and my Ds laughing at me is funny. It just isn't though, my little boy telling me I'm minging makes me cry.

lostdad Wed 24-Jun-09 09:41:50

He's an idiot from what you're describing. Teaching your ds to call you names is not only petty but not good for your ds either. He needs to stop. Immediately.

It's your ex's prerogative to call you want he likes out of earshot out of your ds, but when he is about, it is abuse plain and simple. It is damaging.

He is putting you in a difficult situation. It is right that your ds should see his dad, but if his dad is inflicting damage there comes a point when damage outweights benefit.

I would say the first thing to do would be to write him a letter. Keep a copy of it. Explain that it is not good for your ds to be taught to insult one of his parents and ask that it stop. Keep it as formal and neutral as possible to a) Stop your ex getting a buzz out of hurting you and b) Not giving him an excuse to fly back at you in anger.

Be strong for your ds. He needs at least one good parent.

aseriouslyblondemoment Wed 24-Jun-09 10:20:02

er it is not ex's prerogative to call names out of ds earshot
it is still emotional abuse end ofangrysad

lostdad Wed 24-Jun-09 10:39:14

Well, we're going to have to differ on that one, I think. Seems a bit strange to me that you'd think people aren't entitled to voice their opinions.

Personally, I believe everyone's entitled to their view about anything - even my ex has a right to express her considered opinion about me - just not to our ds! wink

SolidGoldBrass Wed 24-Jun-09 10:42:13

Poor you. What a shitty man. I think you would have a good case for stopping contact due to emotional abuse given that the nursery say the DC are disruptive and unsettled after a visit to their father.

odearyme Wed 24-Jun-09 11:00:04

I know wat is the right thing to do. My Ds is unwell today, and he just called round to pick him up,

He stunk of alcohol, started shouting abuse, ie "look at you you fat fuck, those jeans do you no favours, mind you, only baggy clothes would"

He said he was going to find my partner and kick the fuck out of him, and he wanted full custody of my Ds. When I said he was mad, he said, I'd find out the hard way.

I'm in tears filling out the form for a restraining order. He says I am a bad mum cause I treat my boys differently, wich is rubbis, if anything the younger one gets spoilt more. I asked him nicely to stop him teaching Ds nasty things, and he started asking Ds "do I teach you stuff?" At this point I went into te garden, and when I came back he said "you're own son is calling you a liar, you are such a shit mum, thick as fuck, you'll never be as intellient as me etc"

(Bearing in mind I have a degree and he is actually not very intellegent! not that I ever mentioned this the whole time I've known him)

Sorry I'm rambling but where do I go from here. I've spent 7 years trying to placate him cause what happens if he doesn't get his own way is horrible

aseriouslyblondemoment Wed 24-Jun-09 11:11:23

lostdad i don't think that people aren't entitled to express an opinion
far from it actually
but these aren't opinions
these are nasty name calling incidents
odearyme this is truly horrible to read i hope to god you manage to find a way thru this

odearyme Wed 24-Jun-09 11:13:48

I feel like I am a bad mum because I don't feel like I could cope doing 100% of the childcare. I feel completely worn down

chim000 Wed 24-Jun-09 11:44:53

Don't be feeling like you're a bad mum, no-one could cope with 100% of the childcare 100% of the time. If you're working a job outside of the home, you need time off, you get time off, you get to go home at the end of the day. A full-time parent is never ever switched off from their job.

Do you have anyone around who could take your ds every other weekend? Or even once a month for now to give you that much needed time off. Do you have anyone who can support you while you're trying to obtain the restraining order?

Get those forms filled in, and try to keep a diary of every time he is abusive to you. Get the nursery to provide evidence or some kind of documentation of your sons behaviour following those weekends that he is with his father.

Good luck

cestlavielife Wed 24-Jun-09 12:09:01

is there a court order for contact?

if yes then you cannot stop acess.
but you could get someone else to do handovers.

if that is not possible, make handover on door step.

do not engage in any conversation with him.

do not pick up phone to him.

tell him it is text msg or email only.

eamil is better so you keep a record.

buy a cheap pay as you go for him to text you on so you keep him separate from your own life.

do not rise to his comments.
hard i know but dont respond.

record when he comes round drunk.

you would be jsutified in not handing over your child to someone reeking of alcohol.

if he turns up drunk and abusive, stay indoors and call police.

keep a record of incidents, what he said.

do not respond back.

let him file for residence - so long as you have good record of incidents and nursery will speak up then you have strong case.

SOLOisMeredithGrey Wed 24-Jun-09 12:19:21

You'd likely feel less worn down if you had your Dc's 100% of the time and wasn't worrying about or putting up with crap like that from your ex IME. Yes it's tiring being a single parent. I've done it from day one nearly 11 years ago and worked full time, but it can be done and is healthier for children not to have such a nasty influence in their lives. Think how they will start to treat other people in the future. Surely if it's ok to treat mum like that, it's right to treat anyone else the same...

odearyme Wed 24-Jun-09 13:12:45

Thanks for all the advice, I've just sort of buried my head in the sand, but it's gettinf ridiculous. I've been for a long walk and cleared my head a bit and am going to do everything officially.

There is no court order, he isn't even on the birth certificate.

I just need to abuse to stop, so cutting contact should do that.

He wasn't drunk this morning, but must have been out last night.

Good idea about the email

Janos Wed 24-Jun-09 13:40:41

Just seen this odearyme.

Your nasty ex has really done a number on you and got you believing his nasty comments - that's how bullies work. I bet you are in no way a bad mum, and no wonder you are worn out. Who wouldn't be upset by this sort of thing? You are dealing with vast majority of childcare on top of everything else.

I too have a bullying ex and know just how awful they can be.

No contact may be the way to go - unless you are determined to keep it up (contact I mean).

Good advice from cestlavie.

Mumofagun Thu 25-Jun-09 22:52:15

Why oh why are you letting him into your house to undermine you and your confidence? Please, if contact is going to go ahead then arrange something different. Even if you can't get someone else to supervise the handovers, do it in a public place then walk away quickly.

As for any other contact, don't speak to him unless it is something urgent about arrangements which should be put in place firmly so there should be no discussion and no reason to contact you.

Tell him not to call or text you again. Do this verbally and make a note and send a text or write a letter so you have it in writing. Consider harrassment laws and may be if you feel brave enough, get some advice from the police. He's already threatened to assault someone which an offence in itself if I'm not mistaken. I feel for you, I really do lovey but you need to get your head out of the sand and start to think of your self-esteem and what its doing to your DC's. Big [hugs]

Mumofagun Thu 25-Jun-09 22:56:33

Just to continue, I personally would ask the nursery to keep a note of things DS says. I had to do this too and they were perfectly accepting and willing once they knew what was happening. Would it be feasible to change your landline number and have a mobile JUST for him to call to talk to DS? This is so you have that peace of mind when the phone rings that its not him?

hatesponge Thu 25-Jun-09 23:12:21

He sounds like a horrible, insecure, small -minded aggressive little man.

Much like my ex, tbh.

I have found that the best way to deal with him is to keep him at arms length. My ex isnt allowed into my house any more, & I wont talk to him on the phone or without other people there (because he's all for show generally and wouldnt dare say anything nasty in front of other people)

My ex also makes me think all kinds of things about myself (this week he has had me thinking I shouldnt go and watch our DS at football, basically because him & his new GF dont want me there, but the way he said it made out as though I am the one with the problem!).

When I left him, he told me for weeks I would never find anyone else. When I did, he said 'if that c*nt comes near the DSs I'll punch his f*cking face in'. I resisted temptation to tell Ex he would have to punch upwards, new man being 6 inches taller than him...but anyway, he's ok at the moment but this I think is only because (he thinks) I'm single. Next hint of a bloke & he'll be off again, gf or no gf, I know him too well.

Have got various stuff on him now, due to his repeated bad behaviour, & whilst its all ticking over at present, have it formly in mind that as soon as it all kicks off again, would not hesitate to go down the injunction route (& potentially even supervised access, which i think I could get as he has a history of violence, albeit not to the DCS, but in front of them).

I think you have to protect yourself, keep away from him as much as is possible if you are going to keep up contact, get a friend or family member to do handovers so you don't have to see him, or if you think it really is affecting your DCs, try and cut contact altogther. I'm normally someone who is all for dads seeing their DCs but I think in his case to facilitate this you have already put up with more than anyone should.

odearyme Fri 26-Jun-09 19:31:38

Thanks for all the advice. I posted various things to my solicitor this morning to get a restraining order in place, and I'm feeling a lot better now.

I think the problem is he's nice for a while, then has an outburst. This one seems to have started because I was looking into joining a gym. This morning I found my trainers in the recycling bin, so he must have put them in there the other day.
I have barred his number from my mobile too.

My parents have been doing the change overs but it's been a bit of a strain on them too.

I didn't let him on my house, he walked in, he's 6'4" and quite well built.

I do, finally feel like I have a bit of strength now, previously I ave believed the things he has said about me, but as he left on wednesday, he told me his mum had been diagnosed with cancer. I send her an email to say I was sorry to hear about it etc, and she send one back saying it was a complete lie, and he's been living with her and making her life a misery.

Finally to hear someone else on his side of things tell me he's out of order has made everything very clear for me. He has previoulsy made out they are all against me

Snorbs Sat 27-Jun-09 08:53:40

Well done on working towards the restraining order. It feels good when you start taking steps to regain control, isn't it?

Can you do the hand-overs in a public place away from your home?

As well as finding ways to not let him physically into your home, try to think of ways to not let him into your head. Eg, it's got nothing to do with him if you're looking at joining a gym. So don't tell him that you are.

To be honest, the only two things you need to discuss with him are a) DS, and b) money. And given his behaviour, 99% of that would probably best be done via email or letter. It's only emergency stuff about DS that would need to be communicated by phone or face-to-face - eg, DS is too ill for contact that day.

The more you let him know about what's going on in your life, the more ammunition you're handing him to throw back at you. He's an abusive, bullying nut-job, so taking steps to protect both your physical and mental health is entirely appropriate.

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