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Divorce.. what happens with access maintenance etc.. help!

(4 Posts)
lunavix Tue 23-Jun-09 19:19:27

H and i are midst divorce. In mediation, we agreed on maintenance of £300/m (his choice) and custody (access? what do you call it when dad has pr?) of him having them every weds night after work till next morning and every other weekend fri night till mon morning.

He has filled out the form at his solicitors about arrangements for the kids (his petition.) He has put the above details in, although he has put everything in the wrong box (he has worded it as I pay 300/m, and i have them those dates, even though he's put I'm main carer.) does this need to be rectified? and is this document legally binding?

He is now disputing everything. He decided he didn't want to pay that amount (the day after he filled that document out) as through CSA it would be less and he wanted control of what i was spending it on (as if.) After much arguing and such he has reduced it to £240. No idea atm what it would be in relation to his pay as no idea what pay is atm.

I feel he is also taking the mick with his hours with them.
It started off 5.30pm (after work weds) till 8am thurs (so i took to school) then similar hours fri till mon.
Then ds started swimming lessons that finished at 5pm on a weds so he endeavoured to pick up at 5pm.
That was all fine.
Then he decided he was taking ds to school on a thurs and mon so it was then 8.45. Now he's decided on a thurs he will also take dd to preschool, so it's now 9.15, except she's at preschool so I don't see her till after preschool or ds till after school.
Swimming now finishes at 4 so he picks up then on a weds.

We have split birthdays fairly amicably so far, and also switched occassional weekends around to accomodate fathers day mothers day etc. We split easter dead in half (2 days each) and have previous split christmas as me having christmas eve/till 1pm christmas day and ex having them rest of christmas day, then boxing day (though he then usually refuses to bring them back till the next day or whenever as it's a bank holiday too). We take it in turns with NYE/NYD.

As I have started work in april (finishes mid july) I have asked him to help out with taking ds to swimming (330 pick up from school) on his evening, and dd to ballet (a random time on a thurs) which for the most part he will do, on days that I cannot (I do shifts so it's not all the time).

However, now he has pretty much insisted he has the right to do this whenever he pleases, I only had one thursday off this half term and he 'told' me he was taking her, it's his right to.

This happens on other occassions too.

If he finishes work early, or decides towork from home etc, he will announce he's having them from 12 or something on a weds/fri.

He's decided he has a right to at least half if not more bank holidays, and won't return them till the tues. He's now decided christmas he's having them all the time till around 28th, i get them back 29/30th and he's having them over NY.

I feel really dictated to. He hasn't ever taken them on holiday as such, he goes abroad with friends for his time off (so he views bank holidays and such as his right as he isn't working therefore he has the right to see them). Yet some of the time he offloads them to his mum as he's out (I can't quote this or verify it as I have no proof, I just know he does it). Our son goes in for an operation (only tonsils) in august and he again 'told' me he would be the one staying overnight with him. After a bit of joking banter on my part, he was cold and aggressive, so I said 'well as its a tues technically it's my night!' which equally got me nowhere.

This may all sound petty but I feel like I've lost control of quality time with my kids. I felt that the time was divided up between us as mum and dad, eg I know he has less, and a lot of dads aren't happy, but that's how it was divided up and agreed to. Now he seems to be taking control over it, and as I've been working this control has meant that I don't get to see them as much as even he does now. And while I appreciate he wants to, and his mum (their gran) I feel they are working against me. His mum asked to take kids away on holiday over a weekend that was my weekend with them, as only time she was able to with a friend. I said okay as I knew they'd love it, and he went too! I felt somewhat like my trust has been abused as I then only had them one weekend that month and he had them for three...

Sorry this is so long... I'm really emotional atm and I know it's coming off really bad I just feel like I have no idea how to go back to this plan and I have no idea how the divorce fits in as well.

CarGirl Tue 23-Jun-09 19:22:53

don't sign/agree to the petition and go back to mediation.

lunavix Tue 23-Jun-09 19:31:19

I've already agreed to it...

His divorce form stated every other weekend n every weds night.

lostdad Wed 24-Jun-09 08:23:39

Go back to mediation. The whole point is you come up with something you are both happy with.

Even if mediation is a headache, go with it because it makes court seem like a walk in the park. A good mediator should be able to find common ground and build on it.

Don't expect plain sailing though - parenting children when your dp is now your ex is harder than when you're together. You get all the same hassles, plus extra ones but it is doable if you're committed to it.

You'd have argued with your ex about aspects of parenting if you had stayed together and you will now you have parted. There's no reason why you can't work together and see each other as an ally in raising your ds.

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