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Bit controversial - can we have honesty about an ulrika type situation.....

(29 Posts)
thesilverlining Tue 23-Jun-09 12:52:34

Wondering about peoples opinions re children with different dads......

DO people consider Ulrika Johnson a total ho for having 4 kids by (i think) 4 dads...

I'm not suggesting I want 4 kids by 4 dads but I desperately would love a 3rd and wonder if thats a totally ridiculous and daft wanting seeing as my elder 2 already have 2 different dads :-( I'm not a total slapper honest! I just happened to have been married twice and 2nd marriage is hurtling toward the chaos of the first :-( we currently don't live together but H is talking about possible try again and I am not sure I want to but the lure of a 3rd baby (which he keeps dangling in front of me the shit!) is compelling.....

I couldn't go through the whole split thing again my kids have seen him come and go enough bless them (always his decision to go!) and as for the applying for benefits stress - don't get me started....!!!!

So - would you have 3 kids 3 dads? WOuld you consider me a total ho in the street if I did?

ANy success stories?

baskingseals Tue 23-Jun-09 13:12:38

Not at all. But don't get back with X unless you're really sure. Enjoy your kids and go for it again - you aint no ho, IMO.

thesilverlining Tue 23-Jun-09 13:27:56

thanks! I'm not really sure this is the problem - I prefer my life as it is - but I know myself well enough to know that as I always planned to have 3 or 4 kids I won't be settled til I have at least 3 - so I guess it wouldn't be so bad to have 3 eldest's dad hasn't seen him or got in contact since he was 9 months old so its not really like I'd have a stream of dads at weekend visiting times!!!

bethoo Tue 23-Jun-09 13:28:05

i have two children to one man who i honestly beleived was the man i was going to spend the rest of my life with. what a big let down that was! anyhoo i am pregnant with my third with a lovely man who i hope to god is the stayer!!!
i think that the more kids you have regardless of how many fathers makes it harder ot find a decent man who would take them all on you know? so this one better be a stayer grin

thesilverlining Tue 23-Jun-09 13:29:52

i see what you are saying - although an ex work colleague of mine had 7 children with 3 different dads......the guy she was married to then took her on with 5 kids in tow....!!!!

VinegarTits Tue 23-Jun-09 13:38:14

I have 2 dc who have different fathers, i am now single again, if i wanted to have 3rd child by a new partner then i would, it wouldnt bother me what other people think, there will always be someone in this world who will judge you for your choices

bethoo Tue 23-Jun-09 13:47:31

just shows that there are some decent guys out there!
though maybe he wanted a guarantee of a fertile woman grin

Sazisi Tue 23-Jun-09 13:53:49

God, it's just numbers isn't it?
If you want to have more children, you shouldn't stop yourself because of what people might think hmm

ridingjoker Tue 23-Jun-09 13:55:52

the honest truth is some people will judge you.

although anyone with half a brain will realise its not intentional, there will be some who think(andpossibly say) things about it.

but personally i'm not sure your relationship is the right enviroment to bring a child into. "band-aid" baby never fixes any unstable relationship.

by all means, get the relationship on better footing, then go for number 3 if your sure he's not going to continue walking in and out of the marriage.

Surfermum Tue 23-Jun-09 13:56:53

My dsd's mum has 4 chidren with different dads.

They have varying degrees of contact from dh - every other weekend, half the holidays, full involvement, big extended family, to occasional contact if they happen to be in his area, to two with no contact at all. She stopped all of the Dads from seeing the children when they split up, dh was the only one who went through the Courts.

Dsd has been asked not to go home and talk about all the things she does with us because the others don't get the same. They compare Dads and dsd has said that when they are having arguments she's said things like "well at least my Dad sees me".

It must be really hard for them to see dsd going on holiday with us, weekends away, parties, weddings, coming home with new clothes, easter eggs etc etc. We don't spoil her by any means, just all the normal stuff and exactly what we do for dd. We can't treat dsd differently to dd, but her mum and other siblings are left to deal with that and that must be hard.

And, of course, they have to put up with knowing that dh didn't just walk away when they split up, the know about the court proceedings and court orders (because she doesn't believe in keeping anything from them) and I'm sure they must wonder why dh did all that for dsd and their dads didn't.

Then when it comes to Christmas - dsd spents alternate years with us and her mum. This isn't an issue for us as the other dads don't see them , but if they did it would need careful organising and negotiation. You may never have all your children together for Christmas or at least on some years you may not have.

I realise your situation is probably completely different, but I suppose my point is that it isn't just about how you are perceived by people, have a think about what it will it be like for the children

Rhubarb Tue 23-Jun-09 13:58:00

I'd judge you for having a baby under false pretences.

Your dh wants you to have a baby in the hope of rekindling your marriage. You say there is no hope of that, but you might have a baby with him anyway. Isn't that just a bit cruel?
Isn't that choosing to be a lone parent?

I think you need to sort your relationships out before you even think about bringing another child into the equation.

thesilverlining Tue 23-Jun-09 20:12:11

ok maybe I should clarify....!

the point is that DH is the father of my youngest child. My eldest has no contact with his father and calls DH daddy - has done since he was about 2 (they first met when he was 1)

My question wasn't whether I should have another child with DH but more a hypothetical - "if DH and I split up and 3 years down the line I am insanely broody would I get flamed and tarred and feathered for having a child with a 3rd father?"

You see I am very dubious about yet another go of it with DH as he has wondered in and out several times HOWEVER I still love him dearly and would love us to spend the rest of our lives together - but I am finding it hard to trust him.

The Ulrika question I posed was more my curiosity - faced with the fact I may end up with a second failed marriage I wondered what that might mean for the future.....

rhubarb - i never said I would have a 3rd child with him regardless....if we don't rekindle our marriage then of course I wouldn't be having a child with him - and if we do rekindle it won't be for a couple of years yet to ensure we have chance to work on the cracks in our marriage first. I am just depre4ssed at the thought I may be single parent yet again - and wonder how I would be judged if I ended up with yet another failed marriage behind me and therefore a further child!

surfermum - thats a very interesting story thank you - it is important to consider how other children would feel - at the moment my eldest is too young to really realise that he is any different to his younger sibling in fact its only the massive age gap between them that would suggest they might be from different marriages...they totally look alike!

Thanks again fro the honest responses - its certainly sorted out my curiosity!!

fuzzywuzzy Tue 23-Jun-09 20:17:26

No, I don't think you are a 'ho' at all. Not many of us can see into the future, and when we're in love and in what we feel is a secure relationship we naturally want children to seal the deal (well some of us do anyhow).

Being unlucky in love is harsh enough without the world and his neighbour judging you.

What riiilllly pisses me off tho is that there doesn't appear to be similar negativity directed to men who have fathered children with multiple ladies. That is pissy in my opinion.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

hatesponge Tue 23-Jun-09 20:33:44

There are undoubtedly people who would judge you, but imo, they are the ones with the problem!

I have been in a very similar situation to you a few years back with my (now) Ex. I have 2 DC with different fathers, but the eldest was under 2 when I met my ex. DC1 has nothing to do with bio father, and has always treated Ex as his dad.

Things between Ex and I were awful for years before I finally ended our relationship but I did think frequently about having another child (and knew he would have agreed readily) but in the end I decided I couldn't stay with him indefinitely, and that another baby woud make it MUCH harder to leave.

Having now left, am sure I made the right decision. Am not overjoyed by potential prospect of 3 children 3 dads (although there's no chance of me having a 3rd child in the near future, and it may be it doesnt now ever happen) but it doesnt seem the worst thing in the world by any means!

thesilverlining Wed 24-Jun-09 09:27:52

thank you ladies - I feel good!

I wanted to get that off my chest and out of the way (a sort of "tick off my list" so to speak) so that I can focus on other areas of the relationship that either work or don't work. The baby issue was looming far to greatly in my mind to see clearly u know?

sunshine13 Wed 24-Jun-09 11:39:45

O.. I know the answer to this one..umm. yeh.. Ulrika is total slapper! grin

poshsinglemum Wed 24-Jun-09 14:35:53

I don't think that Ulrika is a slapper (despite her confession that she is a sex addict!) I think that she is mixed up, unlucky in love and her family life must be very complicated but plenty of men have different dc with many women.
I think that it is far from ideal for many reasons but she shouldn't be demonised for her unusual set-up.

poshsinglemum Wed 24-Jun-09 14:39:54

I think that you should only have a baby if your relationship is secure.(I have learned from bitter experience that a baby is not a bandaid.)

sunshine13 Wed 24-Jun-09 15:54:57

I agree with singlepushmum BUT you gotta say enough's enough eh?

If people want that many children so badly what's wrong with adopting or fostering? I understand the want to have your own but there are plenty of children out there that need love.

So women would do well to think on that before they start photocopying themselves...

Tinkerbel6 Wed 24-Jun-09 16:22:31

Is that a mans opinion then ? grin

thesilverlining Wed 24-Jun-09 19:10:20

I would prefer to adopt actually - BUT and this is a biggy - did you know that SS need to have written consent from all people with PR before an adoption can take place. So I would need written consent from DC1s dad and written consent from DC2s I have no idea where (or even if still alive!) DC1s dad is there is no way of tracking him down to give his consent - and even if I could find him how can I be sure he'd be happy to pay the money to have a solicitor witness his signature.......

I hate being pregnant and don't enjoy it one bit - if I could I would adopt children all the way (I am adopted as is half my family) but the archaic SS rules of existing children's dads before even letting you apply is always going to be a major obstable that is unlikely to be surmountable any time soon........

So Sunshine31 I take your point wholeheartedly but have already approached that issue years ago before I met DC2s dad....:-(

And by the way I WAS married to both my children's fathers! So it was always my intent to be "forever"...i just seem to have appalling taste in men......

thesilverlining Wed 24-Jun-09 19:12:02

sorry that should say "archaic social services rules on getting permission from existing children's dads will always be an obstacle...."

oops! got over excited!

lostdad Wed 24-Jun-09 19:31:59

Unfortunately until ladies work out how to reproduce parthenogenetically, men will be part of the equation.

Which is why those pesky fathers have something to with things.wink

Niceguy2 Thu 25-Jun-09 09:08:27

>>>"archaic social services rules on getting permission from existing children's dads will always be an obstacle...."<<<

I'm confused. Are you saying that a father should have no right to object to their child being adopted?

I think that would be an extremely slippery slope indeed.

Niceguy2 Thu 25-Jun-09 09:11:30

Oops sorry...misread. I understand now! My bad.

Oh and on the having children to multiple fathers. My honest answer (and I'm expecting to get lynched here!) that whether or not ppl judge you will largely depend upon the class you "belong" to. I think that for many working class people its not a big deal at all. But for middle class families, tongues will be wagging and curtains twitching!

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