Is this a crazy thought?

[DillyDally]

I have been on my own for over two years now and love DD and all that she brings (except sleepless nights) but there is noone on the horizon and frankly I can't see where a relationship would come from.
My problem is that I never wanted an only child. I would like to have another baby (at some point in the future - am not going to rush into anything).
Is this crazy to do when I am already on my own? By the way, I am financially independent as I work full time, I have family support and I have no idea of how I would go about having another or even if it would be biologically mine in that I would consider adoption.
What would you do?

[NomDePlume]

i don't think it's crazy at all. To me it's a bit of a no-brainer.If you want thechild (at some point) and can support it financially and emotionally then I see no problem at all.

[DillyDally]

I do fear being pigeon holed into a single mum with two kids with two different fathers but not enough to rule out the possibility

[Aimsmum]

Message withdrawn

[NomDePlume]

f*ck the pigeon holes. It's all nonsense anyway

[Listmaker]

I don't see a problem with it. My exp didn't really want our first dd let alone the 2nd one but even though our relationship was pretty rubbish I 'made' him do the deed so I got pg with no 2 because I knew I wanted 2 children.

I don't regret it for a second even though we split up when dd2 was 3 months old. I have supported us financially for 3 years now and my dds adore each other (most of the time!!) and we feel much more a family than we would have if there were just 2 of us I think.

And now after 5 years on my own I have a wonderful new man so there's hope for us all!!!

[DillyDally]

I dont fancy a visit to a sperm bank either - though the catalogue would be a good read

[ninah]

Hello Dilly I have faced a similar dilemma but from the opposite viewpoint iykwim, dp and I having a rocky patch when just pregnant with no 2 so being a single mum of two was/is a prospect for me (though with the same man, awf'ly respectable don'tcha know! ) It's a scary prospect, but then so are most things really worth doing in life
If it's what you want you'll find a way, and it will happen
you can always ask Darren

[flum]

How old are you DillyDally. if you don't mind me asking.

[DillyDally]

Even I wouldn't stoop to bearing Darren Days lovechild

[DillyDally]

I am 30 right now but will be 31 in 2 weeks

[flum]

Could you wait a year or two. you might meet a lovely chappy in the mean time.

mind you, you already know what being a lone mum is like so guess you know you can handle it.

i think two really is twice as hard as one though.

[koalabear]

families come in all shapes and sizes and permutations - don't worry about what other people think - the fact that you are considering whether it is the best thing shows that you are aware of possible hard times, as well as the blessings, which has to be an advantage

just one thought which we considered, what about fostering? there is a lot of press about it at the minute - we thought possibly of doing it, rather than having a second child of our own

[ninah]

I think two might be tricky when they are v small, but easier when they get older and play together? how old is dd?

[DillyDally]

DD is coming up to 2..I had thought of fostering but i thought I would prefer DD to be slightly older
It is quite tough watching her act like a mini mother at nursery to the younger children and comforting them when they are upset and thinking that she will never have any siblings...but that is not the only reason I stress (just the cutest reason)

[ninah]

she sounds so lovely! ds by contrast is a thug, my friend bought him a toy 'baby' for his favourite toy but he loathes it, throws it around, complains it has 'scary eyes'. maybe you should adopt his baby bro/sis instead!
I'm sure you dd is a happy little girl and if you want it, it will happen, maybe if you are still alone and she's older it will be easier to manage, the baby bit is the most draining ...
You are SO young, you have LOADS of time I am 38 ..

[DillyDally]

I do have some time. i thought it might be easier not to get used to having sleep before I plunge back in..isn't that why most women have them close together?

[Caligula]

DD, I don't think it's completely crazy, but i wouldn't do it except as a last resort. You're only 31 - spring chicken as far as I'm concerned - and you've got plenty of time to meet someone. Plus you're more likely to meet someone if you're not completely overwhelmed by tending to the needs of 2 children, not one. Plus if you only have one child, I suspect it's easier to meet someone - it's less psychologically daunting than 2. If you can bear to have a big age gap between your children, I would put the idea on hold until you were about 35 - by which time, you might have had another one with Mr Right!

[Listmaker]

But then mine are 2 years apart and at first it was really hard on my own but that didn't seem to last that long and now they play so wonderfully together and my life is really quite easy. I love having two pretty close together.

[HappyMumof2]

Message withdrawn

[DickWhittingtonsCat]

Dillydally, I am very interested in your post, because I am 31 now and having very similar thoughts. Ds is 5, and I have had no male attention this millenium, despite having a good social life and supposedly being good looking, and trying all kinds of things which single women are supposed to try to meet boyfriends. I am starting to think that it is time to accept that there is not going to be any more romance in my life, because of social trends against parenthood in this country. I can afford, and would like, to have two more children, but I don't want to have to have the next two very close together (or when ds is in secondary school) because that I think would be very hard as a single parent. Also, I think that the risk of birth defects as an older mother is something you have to consider more carefully, if you are a single parent. This is why I am starting to think that I should give up on finding a male partner and focus on planning the rest of my family sensibly. I have been putting off going to the GP just to ask whether there are any options for straight women who want to have children by themselves. Ds is so healthy, attractive, intelligent, and thriving that I have got no qualms about there being no father around. What bothers me is the question when to give up on some guy showing up who actually wants to join our family. How long can you put your life on hold, waiting for this prince who never comes, when you are financially independent and a good mother? There is a book called Single Mothers By Choice which I have read about but have been too scared to order.

[beansmum]

I think you are far too young to be worrying about it just yet, but in a few years if you still want another child and there is no sign of a decent relationship it would be worth looking into it further.

I don't agree with what HappyMumof2 said about bringing a child into the world without a father, I was pretty certain ds's dad wouldn't stick around but I am doing a great job by myself and ds has tons of people around that love him.

I don't think choosing to bring up a child without a father is at all selfish, as long as you have family support and can look after yourself financially there is no reason you shouldn't go for it. but I would wait a few years first and see what happens.

[nearly40]

You are still young but if you want to have more children why wait around in the hope you will meet some mythical guy. I don't see anything wrong with having kids on your own without a father if you have a supportive family and friends around. Why not give yourself a deadline of (say) two years and in the meantime try and meet a guy using the usual methods? If this proves unsuccessful then at least you can say you tried doing things the conventional way!

[DickWhittingtonsCat]

nearly40 your message makes me smile because I gave myself a two-year deadline on my 30th birthday, about 18 months ago! I ordered the book just now. I'll keep trying wholeheartedly for the next 6 mths and then ... The worst part of this is that the men I have been meeting have gradually become more suitable and attractive types, but two in particular upset me during the last few months, by sending very mixed and confusing signals. Thoughts go through my mind of asking for procreational sex from an old flame (total drifter and would have to be screened for STDs before I went near him, but tall and handsome) or my gay colleague (very clever, pleasant and looks OK). I may take a trip to the family planning clinic just to see what they say.

[Earlybird]

I don't think it's a crazy thought at all, but obviously takes lots and lots of consideration. I did it myself.

Unfortunately, I don't know how to do links , so will do a cut/paste of a posting I made on 20 March 2004:

Hello - longtime lurker who has finally decided to participate. I'm a lone parent too, but in a way different to most. After 20 years of a career focused life, I decided it was time to re-think my priorities. I have had 3 long term relationships, but none were right for marriage, and certainly not for the added commitment of children. So, at 41, with no potential partner on the scene, I decided to take matters into my own hands, and embarked on the mission of having a child on my own. I went to a private fertility clinic, and on the 4th attempt, conceived with an annonymous donor. I gave birth to my dd 3 years ago, at the age of 42.

I am currently not working, but had planned financially to take a career break as it seemed optimal to focus on dd/motherhood for her early formative years. I plan to return to work in a few more years, when dd is in school full time.

Without a doubt, I sometimes wish it had been possible for me to have a child in the context of a traditional family. But, I had to face facts that I was almost out of time to have a child biologically.

It's sometimes hard to be a lone parent, but I think in many ways I've got it easier than most. I never had a partner, so it's always been this way. I didn't have a huge/emtionally wrenching adjustment to make to suddenly being a lone parent.

I love being a mum, and in learning to take care of dd, have also learned alot about taking care of myself. I'm lucky to have a wonderful part time nanny whose presence gives me a break for chores/errands and a bit of fun. It also is good for dd to have a break from me, so that we can come together again refreshed after a "change of scenery".

Anyway - that's my story. I thought hard before posting as there have been some threads here with quite harsh opinions about the "selfishness" of being a single mother by choice. Rest assured there was nothing impulsive about my decision. It was the only way for me to have a child. Of course, I will do everything in my power to support my dd as she grows, develops, and comes to terms with our non-traditional family. She will know the circumstances of her conception, and it is my fervent wish she will understand how much she was wanted, and how much she is loved.

[DickWhittingtonsCat]

Thanks, earlybird. I would like to ask you a really yucky question, which is how did you feel about the quality and genes of the anonymously donated sperm? You sound like a person with a high IQ and high professional achievements - presumably the men who had been in your life matched you in those respects - so-called Alpha Males. My ex was very much like that, although totally inadequate paternally, ie tall, handsome, athletic, strong academically, healthy family, etc. Did you find a donor with those qualities too? To put it at its crudest, I heard on the radio, during the discussions about removal of anonymity, that men is social group A never donate, and it is Bs and Cs that do. When I am in love, I think the man is wonderful, but when there is no love, it is hard not to think in these genetic terms.