Ex P making my life a misery, please can I have some advice(9 Posts)
Hi, I'm a regular but have namechanged (hope it works)
I am having such a horrible time just now with ex partner. My little boy is 8 weeks old and Ex left us when he was 4 days old.
We've split before, the last time being during my pregnancy as I couldn't handle his abuse. He wouldn't accept my no drugs policy when we moved in together. He would regularly fly off the handle at me because I wouldn't let him smoke hash in the house. He would swear at me and just generally make me feel like shit and like I was the one at fault for not letting him smoke it.
I was stupid to get back with him, but just wanted the family to work.
Anyway this time he left for good and I'm glad to be away from him. It's only now I can see how controlling he was over me.
Since he left, I have always said I wanted him to be a part of DS's life and he has agreed. He is supposed to come every weekend to see him. So far, most weekends he has cancelled for one reason or another. The times he has appeared, he's stayed only a couple of hours before saying he has important things to do.
As a result of this, and never knowing whether he's going to appear or not and for how long, 2 weeks ago I said we have to try and arrange specific times etc. We both decided that he'd be here every saturday and sunday from 11am til 4pm, bar the last weekend of every month when he cant afford to travel up to see him (2 hour drive). This was at his request.
So last weekend, he cancelled and this weekend he cancelled saturday.
Today (or yesterday now) he showed up at 11am, and I was impressed. Until he came in and the smell of booze coming off him was unreal. It was from the night before but still, it was very strong.
He then left early saying he had things to do. When I started to question why he's not once managed to stick to his arranged times, he said it's because DS is too young to notice and all he does is sleep and "stick to your boob". He says it doesn't matter whether he's here on time and regular as arranged as DS is too young to know. I started to object to this and got a mouthful of F words thrown at me so I told him to get out of my house if he was going to speak to me like that. On his way out he said he has respect for my 2 kids but none for me. Why he had to add that I don't know, but it hurt like hell and still brings tears to my eyes thinking about that comment.
I followed him out as I had some belongings of his I wanted him to take away, and I told him that even though DS is so young he still needs regular visits from his dad. To which I got the what's the point all he does is sleep and stick to you comment again. I asked whether he just wanted to disappear then for a couple of years then walk back into his life again. The reply was once you stop breastfeeding I'll be taking him for weekends.
Can he? Does he have rights to just do that? I'm so confused. The guy makes me feel about 2 inches tall. I'm tired. I'm so tired of listening to him swearing at me and him intimidating me with nasty comments. I try to make his time with DS as good as possible. I even go out to the garden and do some work so they can be alone together.
Now I don't want to even share a room with him. I just dont have the strength to be dreading every weekend to see if he cancels, or shows up but gives me abuse.
Today he left during this bust up, so I don't know when, if ever, to expect him back.
I will be seeking legal advice, but does anyone have any advice about what contact I should be aiming for. Like how often, how much. Can I say no to him having my boy for weekends? I would worry the whole time as Ex uses hash, is a bloody awful driver (who doesn't see any harm in driving whilst under influence of hash or grass), also doesn't even have his own place (lives with a family member and there's no extra room. If DS was to stay there it would be in the living room I'd imagine as there's no space anywhere else, the bedroom is so tiny)
To be honest, I'd rather that for the forseeable future, the contact Ex has with DS is supervised, either by me or my mum but with me somewhere nearby, and that Ex is not allowed to take him away in the car, although maybe out in the pram. This is not out of spite, it's because 1, Ex doesn't really know how to look after him and 2, I'm breastfeeding so I need him close.
Am I being unreasonable in that? I feel like such a bitch to not trust Ex totally alone with DS, but I cant help it, he's just worn me down so much, and I've never seen him be a dad. He never gave much attention to my older son (not his), just pretty much ignored him.
Sorry for rambling quite a lot, but I just need to write what I can and see what people think.
Stop thinking about what he wants and think about what's best for your DS and for you.
I would advise contacting Women's Aid and/or a family law solicitor regarding contact arrangements: it really does sound like supervised contact is the best idea given that this man cannot be trusted to look after DS properly.
You are not at all unreasonable not to trust a rude, selfish, bullying drug addict to look after a baby. He's not making any effort here so don't indulge him more than you are comfortable with.
Sorry you're having this trouble. Bump for the morning.
Thanks for your replies, does anyone have any idea of where to start looking for advice? Any links to good info would be appreciated. I really need to get something constructive done about this today, before I think about it too much and chicken out.
thanks again, I have an appointment with a family law solicitor on thursday. Hope she can help me, I'm a bit nervous about it.
We knew each other in another life OMG! Your XDP is EXACTLY the same as mine, albeit 8 years ago!! Look, stop your worrying. First, he's being a total jerk if he doesn't see the time he can have with a tiny baby now as meaningful. Secondly, it goes to show how much cares (not), if he thinks he can skip a stage and assume that if your no longer breastfeeding DS, he can just take him away. MY XDP said exactly the same, actually just said, stick some milk in a bottle then I can take him for the weekend!! ( At 3 days old!)I saw a solicitor when DS was 10 weeks old cos of the pressure to take DS away from my environment, but couldn't be bothered beforehand. There is no way at such a young age, that the courts will order that he can take DS away from you for whole weekends. FFS, you don't even really know what sort of child your dealing with! I.e, sleeping patterns, needs, how long are you going to BF for? I fed my DS for 3 years!!! (OK, only last thing at night in the last 8 months), but still, he had sleep problems and would not, could not go to sleep without and would not, never did take a bottle! HV backed it up. He's pissing in the wind. Do NOT let this spoil your precious times with this little one. This is exactly the time when he needs mum, and why dads tend to feel jealous! If you stop BF at 3 months it makes no difference because you have routines to establish etc. Really get your HV on board, mine was, she was furious with everything XDP was suggesting and made it plain in letters. Good luck but don't let this spoil things for you now. [hugs]
mumofagun - thanks very much for your reply, sorry I haven't been on for ages, computer's at my mum's.
I went to a solicitor and she was lovely, very supportive. She sent a very friendly letter stating that I want Ex to have contact but it must remain at my house and be 12-3 sat/sun and not last weekend of every month. I was impressed with how the letter was worded, it wasn't in any way threatening, it just said I wanted to get something properly worked out for all our sakes.
Anyway friday morning (2 days after recieving a copy of the letter he was sent, and day before he's due to come at 12-3) he sent a text saying "wont be round on sat, still no car. I got your letter, when I'm round on sunday you better not even look at me you make me sick"
I phoned the solicitor for advice and she advised me to carry on with sunday (only if I felt I could cope) but have someone with me. If he was in any way abusive I was ok to just tell him to leave. She was a bit annoyed he hadn't replied to her as requested in the letter, and that already he had cancelled a day.
He turned up anyway on sunday at 12 and stayed the full 3 hours. Not once did he speak to me. It was awful. Very very awkward. I couldn't think of anything to say, as it was so obvious I wasn't being spoken to. Thankfully mum made small talk with him so at least there wasn't total silence. I felt awful the whole time and unfortunately didn't feel at all confident leaving them alone in the room together so hovered around like a spare prick. Is this the way it has to be every weekend? I can't cope with it, I am scared of him and I hate all this.
If your scared of him and afraid in your own home then I would stop visits at your house. I would go back to your solicitor and see what she suggests.
I would get her to write to him saying that while you want him to have access its not working in your own house and he will have to suggest an alternative. Leave the ball in his court. The fact he is cancelling on what should be an easy arrangment, I dont think he will bother
Keep the text which is threatening to show your solicitor
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