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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

I can't believe people are optimistic enough to think there are interesting and single and fit men out there

44 replies

MaggieBeau · 21/06/2009 17:34

I never post on those threads because I just see that it's obvious that there aren't any!

How much does that matter?!

Does it have to matter?

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ChasingSquirrels · 21/06/2009 17:36

which criteria are you worrying about?
single, interesting or fit?

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ChasingSquirrels · 21/06/2009 17:37

I'd take single and interesting, not interested in fitness - not being overly fit myself.
I have always though I would draw the line at single, and have recently had this confirmed.

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MaggieBeau · 21/06/2009 17:47

I have two children, not a pot to piss in and I'm going to be 40 in 17 months. There is no way I'll ever meet anybody again.

I wouldn't want to torture myself by raising my hopes.

I can't believe how so many lone parents are all out there busy trying to meet somebody again!!

I'm content now. For the first time in..... omg. I woulnd't jeopardise that by going on a quest for a man. Which might be like a treasure hunt.

I believe that there are many people I could be happy with and vice versa, but, they're all married, or they're broke too! or they live on another continent, or they don't even see women my age, or they couldn't cope with two young children who weren't theirs...

I must sound miserable... not at all, honestly. I kind of don't know whether to admire or despair at your (collective) optimism.

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MaggieBeau · 21/06/2009 17:49

by 'treasure hunt' I mean that the chances are stacked against you being the one to find it! iyswim.

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NervousNutty · 21/06/2009 17:57

No optimism here. I have been single for long enough now to know that this is how it's always going to be.

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MaggieBeau · 21/06/2009 18:00

And.. once you accept it, is it so bad?
Better to accept it and get on with life than to put life on hold waiting for it to "really start" when some guy "complete" the picture.

I would like to be happily married, but I know it isn't going to happen now. Have missed that boat.

This could be the happy ending! So if so, I'd better get on with it.

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NervousNutty · 21/06/2009 18:03

Ahh see I haven't quite got to the accepting bit. I am unfortunatly still in the 'hopeful, but aware it won't happen' phase.

I wish I could stop being hopeful, it is soul destroying.

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Tortoise · 21/06/2009 18:03

I hope to one day meet someone. And i am not putting my life on hold until that happens. Am getting on with my life and hoping one day i will find someone.
I am sure there are men about who are single and interesting (possibly fit too) it is just a case of looking!

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MaggieBeau · 21/06/2009 18:06

I'm in that phase now, and terrified that i'll get hope again one day.

I think maybe because I focus on saving, my course, buying a house etc ... all these other things to concentrate on.

I have a friend with no children, 4 yrs younger than me though, so, still time, but tick tock tick tock. she said she was coping so well with being single and living life to the full, and then when she finished her house and passed her exams and got a raise at work, she thought what now?! oh,my god!? man and kids!!

so I'm aware that when I sort out my life (bit of a shambles) and buy a house and get a job, then I may get back hope that's scary.

prefer being on the even keel of not expecting anything. it's much less demoralising.

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notevenamousie · 21/06/2009 18:07

As tortoise said, you don't have to put your life on hold. But with children as a priority, and work, and maybe many other responsibilities, you do have to make a bit of an effort. If you want to. It's not compulsory for anyone.

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NervousNutty · 21/06/2009 18:09

See the trouble is, i think generally there are more childless single women around nowadays and so the majority of men will go for those first and only give us single mums a go if they get really desperate.

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MaggieBeau · 21/06/2009 18:09

I hear you, but it's not like you can 'make a bit of an effort' without that having an affect on your wellbeing!

if you 'get out there' and try to meet somebody, the chances are you'll end up feeling rejected and old and freaked out by all the freaks!!!

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NervousNutty · 21/06/2009 18:10

Exactly maggie, well said.

It is all very well making an effort, but when it gets you no where it makes you feel as worthless as shit on a shoe.

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notevenamousie · 21/06/2009 18:14

You don't know til you try.

To be completely honest with you, I have actually had 3 brief internet-borne 'relationships' since splitting with dd's father. All have left me with something gained - whether confidence, experience, etc. None have been to my loss. Nor to my daughter's, who will always be my first priority. It's good to occasionally look for what's good for you, because that does impact your children. We/I spend so much time thinking, worrying trying for what's best for them. I have no expectation of happy ever after, but there is value, to me (I can't speak for anyone else), of feeling feminine and fun again. JMHO and sorry if it ends up cross posted.

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NervousNutty · 21/06/2009 18:17

Yeah but when you try and fail to even get a date in 3yrs then you tend to be left wondering what the point is.

I have tried internet dating several times. I only atract weirdos and men old enough to be my grandad. Very occasionally a normal bloke comes along and will then disapear into thin air after a brief conversation.

Also twice I have been told 'i'd be interested if you didn't have kids'

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MaggieBeau · 21/06/2009 18:24

Wow. Nice.

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NervousNutty · 21/06/2009 18:26

Yeah one was actually someone i'd known since childhood so he already knew i had kids before he started flirting, txting me etc.
As soon as I started to respond to his flirting he spouted the 'if you didn't have kids line' and then denied to friends that he had ever been interested at all.

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Earlybird · 21/06/2009 18:28

I share Tortoise's approach - hopeful that it will happen one day, but not waiting around and/or putting my life on hold.

The problem is, unless you are extremely lucky, you have to make a real effort to meet potential partners. IME, they don't tend to 'happen' along in the life I (or most other single Mums) currently lead.

So far, I haven't made a huge effort to put myself back 'on the market', haven't been extremely lucky in a fateful or random way, and Mr Wonderful hasn't miraculously turned up on my doorstep. .

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lostinthecitylover · 21/06/2009 18:28

Hi MB

I am a bit older than you and tbh am not looking for remarriage/live in partner or even a really serious relationship but do enjoy male company and sex (which ironically was in short supply during my marriage).

I also thought like you (expected when I put myself online) that no-one would be interested at all but was actually very suprised.

I think if you wanted to settle for 'a partner' it wouldn't be that hard and age is not a problem. However I think the difficulty is when you have split is that anyone who you want to get serious with/move in with would need to be exceptional and that's probably the issue. Also how to fit them in esp if you work or have a difficult ex in terms of access.

Since splitting with exh three years ago for abt 11 months did nothing and thought that was how it would continue. Then since had an on off relationship with an exbf who contacted me out of the blue and then since about Easter have been seeing someone I met online. Have absolutlely no idea where it's going but feel fairly laid back about it.

If you come on the other thread you will see that it's a similar experience for the other posters on there.

I think since splitting with exh I had to talk myself up to all of this because my self esteem was in tatters when we split. It's like I have convinced myself I am ok, attractive, confident if a bit overweight curvy (but some men like curvy). I've been acting out the part and also grown a thick skin to cope with all the nutters online.

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lostinthecitylover · 21/06/2009 18:33

Just to clarify did not go online looking for no strings sex!!!

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ICouldKillMyExThisMinute · 21/06/2009 18:34

When I separated from my ex, I decided I was not going spend much energy trying to find a "replacement" but that I will embrace my new singledom, enjoy the circumstances and perhaps get a dog to keep me company in my old ago...

Or so was my plan... because in these couple of years I have found a lot of wonderful men, and I found it interesting to see that men are equally interested in finding a permanent relationship, and to try hard for it.

I have made very good friends, I have dated a few, fell in love like an idiot (fell painfully out of love too but I don't regret it, because someway that relationship prepared me for a better one with my new boyfriend). So here I am, happy (despite my name today), in a good relationship, and yes... I'm also nearly 40.

If you think you won't find anyone, you won't. If you look too actively, you may overlook a nice guy. Sit back, relax, and let life do its magic.

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NervousNutty · 21/06/2009 18:44

Think it is easier to think like that when you have met people though iyswim.

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Tortoise · 21/06/2009 18:53

There are single fathers about too. Not all men look for those without children.

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Earlybird · 21/06/2009 18:56

Icouldkillmyex - please share with us where/how you have met all these men. I never meet anyone who is single!

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Jumente · 21/06/2009 18:57

I'm with you Maggie.

I'm 36 soon and have given up. It's ridiculous - the few I've tried dating have turned out to be single for a very good reason. I'm probably single for a good reason too, so it's not likely I'll suddenly find someone who appreciates a bitter old bird like me! He'd have to be nuts.

It makes me want to cry but there you go - I have two lovely kids and am lucky enough to live somewhere nice and have enough to eat etc, so I ought to just get on with it and stop worrying. But it can be very lonely.