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will I ever get over him, cos this feeling is shite, and sad.

(27 Posts)
IDidntRaiseAThief Sun 21-Jun-09 10:55:18

hiya, am a pirate feline in another incarnation.

I swear I don't know how to live with this feeling that he really was my only true love. And he was, and I was his. Anyone who knew us thought the same. It's this deep sadnees I cannot shift. Am not depressed, the pills take care of that! I function, I am happy in so many ways. I just miss him. He is married again, and I have recently found out what they did, what they said to one another ontheir day. It's killing me, I didn't think I would mind, but I do. It's like I want to shout 'FAKER', it feels like nothing makes sense.

I hope I am not losing the plot quietly, inside. I try to deal with my feelings, but I can't fix the fact he has gone. I feel so extremely sad.

As tho, even if i met someone else one day,no man, not even tho most perfect on paper person could make me feel better.

It makes me want tpput huge amount of pysical mileage between us, and start again somehwere else. I would really appreciate any replies, even tho this subject is hard to answer too. x

IDidntRaiseAThief Sun 21-Jun-09 11:33:32

hi again

mrsruffallo Sun 21-Jun-09 11:38:36

Try to remember why it didn't work out, and remind yourself that you both tried, it just wasn't meant to be.
It's easy to romanticise someone once the relationship is ended, but there is a reason you are not together.

ChasingSquirrels Sun 21-Jun-09 11:45:12

no idea what to sya, but couldn't read an not post.

IDidntRaiseAThief Sun 21-Jun-09 11:49:00

mrsruffalo, I think in what you said, about us both trying, that it could be that which is difficult. he didn't try, he left abruptly, and there was no mater of trying.

It's like an injustice to me iyswim. I was never allowed to discuss it with him, he ran away. Past 3 yrs that's all he has done, been angry and hostile and unfair to dd.

Chasing, thankyou.

ChasingSquirrels Sun 21-Jun-09 11:54:44

now very

I so know where you are coming from about not having a chance, mine also decided on his own that it was over - the total loss of control over the situation was dreadful.

Luckily he didn't run as such, and is very much there for our children - which was also hard in its own way at first, but which probably now makes things easier.

3 years is a long time to still be feeling like this, are you moving on at all?

mrsruffallo Sun 21-Jun-09 11:59:32

A true love wouldn't do that to you.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but he is not worth you tormenting yourself about.
Come on, what kind of guy doesn't even have the balls to tell you how he feels and chooses to run away?

IDidntRaiseAThief Sun 21-Jun-09 12:06:43

absolutely Mrsruffalo, altho he did say, he didn't love me anymore before he went, so it was a kind of verbal thing!

I guess true love is a pretentious idealistic thing to say, on my part. I meant, that feeling of him being 'the one' for me, and vice versa. It's that horrible sad feeling that oh my god how did it change for him, how COULD that have happened to US.

Personality type does dcomei nto it, some people cannot cope under pressure, and i now know he wasone of them. Yet that aside, i just thought we loved each other full stop, and that would be forever, cos it was just 'fact'. Just like evryone feels, with their husband. People have siad, it's him , he has deep issues, and a problem with responsibility. This makes my angry with him, regards our daughter, tho. It's infantile and ignorant, and pathetic. So I am very aware of al his faults. Then people say, he must have always been like that,which then makes me feel like a twat for not seeingit. Yet I swear he wasn't and that he changed. It's like some being entered his body.

sparkybint Sun 21-Jun-09 12:09:56

Mrs R says it all so simply. The same thing happened to me a month ago - my so-called fiance just vanished and despite me having tried to find out what was going on his head (long emails, letters and a few texts), I haven't heard one single thing back from him (apart from one text from him saying "wasn't I glad that I got the shit off the bottom of my shoe" ie him - and he was the one who finished it!).

He wasn't your true love PC, just as mine wasn't either, even though I thought for a long time that he was. Now I can see he was a faker, just as you know deep-down yours was. As I keep reminding myself, there are 6 billion people on this planet which does give you some scope for finding someone else one day! But don't rush, be nice to yourself and make sure you try and spend time with your female friends. At the moment I don't feel like I even want a relationship because I'm wondernig what I'd get out of it apart from grief.

You're allowed to feel down but don't be under any illusion that this man was worthy of you.

IDidntRaiseAThief Sun 21-Jun-09 12:20:11

sparky, thats just bloody awful, and what the hell makes people do that. With no respect and compassion for their partner,at all.

You just don't want to believe that soemone you love and trusted has that in them, to be so cruel.

My ex is the master of reinvention, and of re writing history.

i found out about his day, becuase it is in a magazine, and as i read it i was totally shocked by the fakery in him.

Our dd wasn't invited, or lets say, becuase of the way he had treated her she hadn't seen him for along time, and (altho only 6) decided she didn't wish to go. When i say not invited, there was an initial invite, verbal about a yr before the event,yet no effort to make ammeds, in that time, to include her.
Made me so cross that reporter, says all about 'her' family, and it being a family occasion. PLus the song they chose was one me and ex used to like, I was absolutely dumbstruck. I was not being fanciful or daft, in thinking my god he's just repeating things with her. He reasons in the piece for not having church wedding, was his atheism. I felt like adding a footnote, *and the fact he has already done a church wedding.

I am all over the shop, i know this, i do have a reality about this, i need to just get back to the bottomof it. seeing you ex's wedding in print, is a shock.

MaggieBeau Sun 21-Jun-09 12:35:54

You poor thing.. It's so distressing.

Not being given the opportunity to talk it through can slow down your progress by YEARS I think.

For a long time (after being dumped in the run up to the millenium!) I had one phone call to tell me it was over, and then no discussion.

I'm over it now. I think of him as being a self-righteous, self-important, immature coward. But it took me years to see that clearly. I made bad choices after him because I was half MAD with confusion. Not just ordinary heartbreak but confusion too. What you say about reinvention, and rewriting history strikes a chord. The confusion he could have helped me with a little, but he just severed all communication.

Seeing your x's wedding in a magazine, omg!! how distressing. (before you're 100% over him that is).

IDidntRaiseAThief Sun 21-Jun-09 19:54:16

maggie, thanks for your reply. someone who severes all communication, is just so so selfish.

That happened to me with an ex boyfriend once.

ninah Sun 21-Jun-09 20:28:04

that must be a nightmare idrat
I had similar feelings about my ex, that he was the only one, we'd be together despite knowing deep down we weren't really that compatable. Has taken me 3 years to feel OK about it and thats' with boht of us keeping our private lives private. I'd still be upset if I saw a magazine article about his wedding
real setback. But keep going, it will get better - well it has for me and I never thought it would

IDidntRaiseAThief Mon 22-Jun-09 08:14:13

thankyou ninah.

yes finding that was a bit of a shocker, now your average bit of gossip or info really.!

inthemistsoftime Mon 22-Jun-09 08:30:39

idrat, I too thought that my ex was my one true love, but it turns out he wasn't shock

Its been a hard journey, finding that out, and what kind of person he really is. To do what he has done to people he professes to love ie me and the dcs, proves that he really only loves himself, in a selfish way.

I know that that life can get better, and it will for you. The grief of parting will fade in time, but in the mean time let it all out, mn is here for you smile

IDidntRaiseAThief Mon 22-Jun-09 09:58:16

inthemists, thankyou, too for replying, and saying i can let it out.

I know haow difficult it is for anynoe to reply to these types of thread, as there are no words to truly fix how a person is feeling.

If i can be here for anyone else i do hope to be.

Unlikelyamazonian Mon 29-Jun-09 19:38:56

My h ran away too. It's an old story and MN was fantastic. He drained all our accounts, left me 10 grand overdrawn, caught a plane to bangkok, shagged a few whores in pnhom penn then moved in with some burmese woman back in thailand only 2 months after abandoning us. I say us because he left me with our then 6 month old son. We had been married 5 years and together 7.

The 'man' is doing, I now realise, exactly what he did with me - and before me with his ex (by whom he has two daughters he has also abandoned): ie, creating a new persona, pretending to be Mr Wonderful, hiding his true nature and proclivities and in the end Running Away. It is called Narcissistic Persdonality Disorder. Look it up on the internet. I bet a pound to a penny from what you say, that your chap has this disorder.

They are a total head-fuck. He will do the same or similar to the woman he has married. They can be cruel because they are not real. They do not have real feelings. You are absolutely right - they are fakes. He will end up sad and lonely.

Take heart and keep going. You are so better off without him. He would have drained you dry. I am so sorry because I know how painful it is and how surreal and difficult to understand. But it's interesting that he has married somebody possibly 'prominent' locally or whatever - I mean, enough to get into the papers. Because this is what narcissists do: they need someone like her to reflect their own sense of glory. Or maybe she is just very attractive...whatevere, they are parasites who feed off people. Their jealousy and paranoia is well hidden at first. As soon as she is ill, or when he gives her a nervous breakdown, he will leave her and move on. He will steal, lie and be bloody hell to live with eventually. Thank god you didn't marry him. I MARRIED mine and I can tell you, it's a right shit: I can't even divorce the twunt as he has so wiped me and his son from his (non existent) memory bank I had to spend months searching for him to serve the petition and now that I have done that, he hasn't even replied.

Poor poor Burmese girl. I genuinely feel sorry for the women he is going to get pregnant and fuck over.

Start celebrating your life without him. Honestly. Be grateful, thankful, he does not love your dd - they do not feel love: they behave how they think society thinks they should until they can't keep up the act anymore. Maybe he invited dd to the wedding to pretend to the new woman what a nice guy he is - you can be sure he is telling her loads of lies about you.

Do not be sad. Be happy that the awful man who duped your kind heart is now Someone Else's Problem. Because it will all go wrong for him again and she will probably suffer too. You will have moved on and be well over him by then. I promise.

Curiousmama Wed 01-Jul-09 00:54:30

I feel for you all who've been duped by bastards men.

Good post unlikelyamazonian, so sorry you've been through this though sad You're right about Narcissistic disorder it's amazing how many men (and some women) have this. Awful for those who have to suffer the consequences.

ipiratethief Wed 01-Jul-09 08:04:00

unlikelyamazonian, thanks for your reply to this thread. It's quite good to read it again,as he has been a real bastard this weekend.

I was married to him, for 7 years, had been together for 10. The magazine thing is nothing big name, he prob enjoyed the attention tho. he couldn't wait to divorce me, and hassled me for ages, pretty much left me feeling like a lump of shit.

i will come back to thread later, as wanted to comment more on your situation, but school run calleth!

ipiratethief Wed 01-Jul-09 08:21:52

oops obv i have namechanged again, sorry if any confusion.

Unlikelyamazonian Wed 01-Jul-09 15:09:37

Yep that sounds about right. NPDers follow this pattern: idealise, devalue and discard. Once they don't want you anymore and start de-valuing you, they soon afterwards discard you altogether. With no feeling. No empathy. No human kindness at all. They just dump you. Leave you in the gutter...and they actually quite like to do it when you are vulnerable - say, pregnant, or with a young child or with no money. My H left me penniless, in debt and with a small baby. He simply got on a plane and went to asia to shag whores.

It is good in many ways that he is off with the fairies and living his new life as a respectable university lecturer in bangland rather than here in my hometown as they can indeed be shits of the highest order once they have dumped you. Sounds like your psycho ex is being just that.

Can you move away and not tell him where you are? At least change your landline no. and email address and tell him you will only have contact via text - and use a separate pay as you go phone for these texts. I know how you feel when you say you are left feeling like a lump of shit. But you are not. He is. xx

Unlikelyamazonian Wed 01-Jul-09 15:43:32

Also, you saying he did not like 'responsibility' rings all my bells. My h could not do responsibility at all. He squandered money, he had been spoiled rotten by his mother so knew the price of everything but the value of nothing, he hated the resposniblity of having kids (but liked the status that being a father brought him - until he pissed off. (But he will get other women pregnant and go through the same pattern with them again)

What's more, he was a secondary school teacher locally and hadn't been marking any work for a year - had been lying and covering up. Only all came to light when he had gone. So he wasn't exactly a responsible adult in any arena of his piss poor little life. I wonder when he will be caught with his school-boy pants down in bangland - in the loos with some young female student - or lying about being ill when he has in fact gone off for a shag-fest in 'the mountains'

It's all bloody hilarious really. If there weren't so many children (3 so far and I think one hooker in bangland has already had a termination by him) and debts involved it would be a rather crap soap opera. grin

Keep going. Keep knowing that your ex h has no bloody idea what he is doing. He just thinks he does. He is not in touch with reality. He is a fake.

ipiratethief Wed 01-Jul-09 17:27:55

shit, that is one hell of a story, albeit a true one. What a n absolute monster. sad

Did you find yourself wondering how on earth you ever trusted and fell in love with him, as I have?

There were no apparent signs up front, yet over time when we had gone thru some traumatic stuff, he just seemed more and more unable to cope.

He almost re writes history now, and refuses to be kind or understanding to dd. Everything is my fault of course. The latest is that he says i have mental problems not him.

I see their relationship played out with such echos of ours. I know it would have resonance, yet it's been quite remarkably similar.Can't divulge too much.

I will look up what you said. I have always thought he was damamged in some way. Never sticking thru anything, just cuttinghis losses, and moving on. Almost always reinventing himself, as tho he has no clue who he is.

Unlikelyamazonian Wed 01-Jul-09 17:57:03

Exactly. Reinventing. Cutting losses. Moving on. No idea who he really is...I can say all the same things. I didn't see through him to start with, no. I couldn't believe my luck that I found someone so profoundly 'right' - same sort of social background, same education, same degree, same career-ish, so kind and thoughtful, highly intelligent blah blah. It is called reflecting. They find a victim then reflect back at them an image of the wonderful things he saw in you really DID and DO exist. They did not exist in him...he just copied you. When he couldn't copy anymore and discarded you you are the one left feeling like shit and stupid to boot.

To be honest, there were alarm bells after 6 months with him - this is the average time before they start showing small cracks. He told me one warm afternoon in a lovely pub garden that 'he had something to say'. I was terrified - but he told me in a sorry-for-himself way that he had county court judgements against him for non payment of bills and mortgage with his ex. I was relieved. I said 'of course you have paid them off now'. He said No. I asked why not seeing as he had inherited 135k from his father. He said 'why should I give the taxman money?' I pointed out that it could bugger his credit record...of course it already had shot his record to bits. He wasn't even allowed a cheque book let alone and overdraft. And he had been buying 80 quid bottles of wine, armani suits, he drove a big car...yet he earned 16k at his crappy little regional journalism job. I had all this to find out. They hook you in, then they drip-feed you the reality and make it all sound so feasible. How he was beaten by his father and how his ex 'beat him up for sex'...the poor little me number he did was very impressive and I believed it all. Because I am nice. Naive, daft and nice. Now I am no longer the first two. I am only the last. grin

I got him onto my account a few years later as he NEVER had any money and I was ALWAYS paying for evertything.... and that is the account he raided when he flew off to shagland. Thanks husband.

There were many other signals. But I had no idea about personality disorders back then. The black silences, the disappearing acts. The inability to discuss things, the hatred he had for his ex (she was an abomination, but he really wanted her dead. He would fantasise about her death.)

When I conceived - by some miracle as I was 43 at the time - I was totally overjoyed. I rang him to tell him (he was away) He sent me a text saying this:
'Congratulations. You are going to have a baby.'

Like I had wona volvo.

So yes, I am middle class and well educated, had a brilliant job and a good career, I am sensible, practical, experienced, have lots of friends and have seen and done a lot with my life. But these chameleons are BLOODY good at acting, fakery, manipulation, deceit and dissembling. He did the proper number on me.

Only towards the end when he began to seriously unravel (after the death of his father) did I think that he had a serious mental problem (and yes he will be telling anyone who asks now that I was the one with mental problems, just as he told me that his ex had mental problems and the ex before that....just as your h is saying you do. You don't. He does. End of)

He went really weird. He devalued me and in June finally discarded me (and his baby boy). I had sussed him. He knew I had sussed him. His cover was blown. I couldn't see him for dust.

Unlikelyamazonian Wed 01-Jul-09 18:06:11

I really think we need to be educated about these kind of mental people. NPD is one of the worst persdonality disorders because there is no 'cure' and the prognosis for treatment is very poor. But they are often highly successful and hide it well. They are a bloody menace. Not only to their partners but to their children, other children, their friends and other adults. They are a bloody menace. Read up about Narcissistic Personality Disorder pirate, and see if there is any correlation between the descriptions of it and your h. If you think there isn't then at least you have been forewarned about these types anyway wink

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