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Mummy, do I have a father?

(20 Posts)
MollieO Sun 21-Jun-09 00:15:34

Question posed by my 5 yr old today (on his birthday). Told him yes and no it wasn't his godfather. He asked why he doesn't see his father. He has been asking since he was 2.5 but the questions are getting more persistant and I'm running out of ideas on what to say.

Ds was born early and poorly and on the one occasion that his father saw him (in SCBU) he said that he would be better off dead shock I obviously can't say that and the usual excuse of saying that ex lives too far away is wearing thin. I answered today that not all adults like children. Probably quite hard for ds to take on board as everyone he meets seems to like him.

Particularly hard this week as ds was born on Father's day and is the only child in his year with no contact (his father's choice).

MrsBonJovi Sun 21-Jun-09 00:24:15

I honestly dont know what to suggest but im sure someone will be along with a perfect solution soon

alisha29 Sun 21-Jun-09 00:36:00

i know what your going through awful situation im on another thread trying to get hold of my sons dad but he doesnt want to be found getting accused of being a stalker?? has his father told you this in words he doesnt want to know??
sorry i have no advice, im here if you need to talk to someone going through the same thing

Notsotired Sun 21-Jun-09 09:54:31

What is the truthful reply - that you would give a teenager?

sparklefrog Sun 21-Jun-09 10:18:04

Always told my son 'of course you have a father, everyone has a mummy and a daddy'

When my son asked me why he didn't see his daddy, I'd tell him that his daddy must be a very busy man.

I don't know if this was the right thing to say or not, but it satisfied my son, without badmouthing his father, and I felt this was the kindest option. I didn't want my son to feel the onus was on him AT ALL as to why his father chose not to bother.

As it happens, we traced his father when DS was 11yrs old, and DS would see his father but it all turned sour, due to father being a complete twunt!!

I get so angry at these deadbeat dad's. They only think of themselves, and refuse to see that it is the children that are being hurt.
Going through it all again now, with another deadbeat dad to my DD. XP so badly wanted children, but now DD is here, he only wants to use her to get his own way with me. NNot going to happen.
I feel so angry towards him.

On a more positive note, DS is now 17, and has never mentioned the fact that his dad wasn't around as a negative, nor a positive, just a fact of his life. sad


MollieO Sun 21-Jun-09 12:57:09

That's awful alisha. I don't have that problem as both he and I live in the same houses we have always lived in. We also know each other through work although he no longer works in the same industry. We have mutual industry friends so I know what he is doing and where he is.

For ds's first year I did offer my ex every opportunity to see him. He wasn't interested so I didn't pursue it. He pays £50 per month and hid his income when I applied to the CSA (on his earnings he should be paying about £400/mth) but self employed and CSA have no powers to investigate.

Ds has always known he is different from his friends but up until now I have always managed to deflect his questions by saying that his dad lives a long long way away (25 miles!). He is bright and the questions are becoming more detailed, so harder to fudge. I've never been negative because I realise when ds is an adult he may want to seek his father out.

I just feel sad on days like today that ds doesn't have a relationship with his dad. I always made it clear to his dad that any relationship with his son wasn't dependent on him having a relationship with me.

I was gobsmacked yesterday when he asked the latest question. I know one of his friends asked him a while ago if he did have a daddy.

MollieO Sun 21-Jun-09 12:58:48

sparklefrog it must be awful to go through this twice. I find it hard enough just with ds. You sound very strong though and hopefully your dd and ds realise how lucky they are to have you as their mum.

Ewe Sun 21-Jun-09 13:05:07

Oh, this is so tough. Not had any direct experience but have a close friend who is in similar boat.

She says to her DD that sometimes people decide that they aren't strong enough to be a Daddy so they move away.

It seems to satisfy her DD and has an element of honesty.

alisha29 Sun 21-Jun-09 13:15:03

i have been strugling to find the words other than your dads a f**ing c**t but ewe that is a good way of putting it wink mollieo it is so hard to answer their questions and when they see other children with their dads

Notsotired Sun 21-Jun-09 20:05:48

Ewe has the type of answer I think is a good idea. Keeping an element of truth without applying the damage. One has to assume that the Father did move away and wasn't kicked out.

MollieO Sun 21-Jun-09 20:23:47

Ewe I like your suggestion. I have always been careful not to imply anything negative to ds because rightly or wrongly I feel if I tell him the truth then that may affect his self esteem when he older.

Mumofagun Sun 21-Jun-09 22:00:54

If it's a teenager we're talking about, they say, "don't put the absent father on a pedestal". I'm not there yet but, what about ,{assuming you can contact the father], here's your father's number it's up to you? Dad will turn out to be whatever he was going to be in your eyes and if it turns out for he better, great! Your DC has has a long memory and knows which side their bread is buttered on! They know the score.

Anngeree Sun 21-Jun-09 22:09:14

I'm in the same situation with Ds 6 he's been asking questions since he's been 3. His dads never made the effort to meet him after leaving me at 3wks pregnant.angry

I tell Ds that everyone has a Mammy & Daddy but sometimes daddies don't live in the same house & that his daddy chose not to be part of our lives (again I try not to imply that it's anyones fault) Then I reassure him that I love him & always have from the minute I knew he was growing in my tummy & that he's here because at the time he was made I loved his daddy.

In actual fact if I got my hands on his father i'd string him up for turning his back on our son & not even having the decency to acknowledge him( he's even tried avoiding the CSA)angry but I don't think a 6yr old needs to know that!grin

MollieO Sun 21-Jun-09 23:36:38

I managed to find out ds's concern tonight. He said that he wants to know his father. He has that supreme confidence that is mostly only found in young children. He assumes that if he meets his father he (father) will like him and want to be part of his life.

Ds's dad saw him once to register his birth but deflected any offer from me to see ds after that so I gave up asking once ds reached one.

littleducks Sun 21-Jun-09 23:47:09

I have no direct experience of this but i read (what i thought) was a good explanation on here, hopefully the original poster will put this better but roughly:

Mummies and Daddies are there to look after there children, sometimes some people are only able to look after themselves and so cant be there to look after their children. But you are lucky as you have Mummy and xxxx, xxx to look after you.

Mumofagun Wed 24-Jun-09 01:33:00

At 5 I assume now that cos he's at school there's more talk about "mums and DADS" whereas before he was at school it was easy to "keep him from it" which is what it was in my situation. Your Ds wants to know his dad (so he says) so what IMO are you worried about, apart from protecting DS? If they meet and they get on great and some regular contact can be sorted out, is that a good thing? If they meet an XDP (dad) doesn't meet with DS's expectations and he feels upset by it etc, you've tried no? Don't feel you have to fudge answers, ultimately he'll see and feel for himself. It's hard me writing this because it has cost me thousands of pounds in solicitors fees, not fighting XDP but doing what I thought was best, your DS knows in his own mind at the moment that he would like to "know" his dad.That can be by phone or letter or e-mail with some pics or in the flesh. At whatever speed you decide. Maybe e-mail at first, pics are good if he doesn't know what dad looks like etc, maybe a text or two, thena call. Don't know, just trying to be helpful.If XDP lets you and DS down then it's a different story and I don't know your story. Just seems like from your post you wanted contact.

MollieO Wed 24-Jun-09 20:39:29

No I have no interest in contact and ds has been asking about his dad since he was 2.5. He has been used to spending time with other children (CM/nursery) since he was 9 months old.

Ex has no interest in having any relationship with ds. He made that clear both when ds was very young (wished him dead) and again when ds was one and I was very nearly killed (said he wouldn't want him if anything happened to me). I suppose my biggest fear is ds is a very happy little boy and I don't want to introduce something that most likely will result in upset for him.

sparklefrog Thu 25-Jun-09 00:09:02

MollieO, It is difficult, but I absolutely love littleducks explanation. grin

I might use that one myself.

I found that my son went through a stage of asking about his dad, but his interest waned when he got to 7/8yrs old, and he stopped asking questions.

I worry for my daughter, because I think (maybe wrongly) that it could affect her for alot longer than it did my son.

My son just grew to accept it, but girls always appear more emotional to me.

I'm probably way off beam thinking like that.

These deadbeat dad's just swan off, and absolve responsibility, and it's the kids that pick up the tab for their selfish twunting ways. Makes me so mad!! angry

RockinSockBunnies Thu 25-Jun-09 00:17:50

DD (aged 8) has never met her father either. His last, charming message to me by text when I was pregnant was "as far as I'm concerned it's cancer that needs to be flushed out".

DD has always accepted that her father isn't part of her life, though she's been curious about it. When she was younger I'd simply tell her that her father wasn't really grown up enough to handle the fact that he had a child and that some children have just one parent bringing them up.

As DD has become older, I've elaborated somewhat, mostly along the lines of 'your father is immature and kind of an idiot who didn't want responsibility'. Whether or not that's the right thing to say I don't know, but I'm still so bloody angry with him that I find it difficult to be impartial.

I got in touch with him a year ago via facebook, spoke to him a few times, mentioned that his daughter had expressed an interest in meeting him. He's still a total loser. He hummed and aahed about possibly meeting his daughter but has done bugger all about it and I'm damned if I'm going to puruse it. I'm sure at some point they may meet, but not for the foreseeable future.

DD is perfectly happy with the status quo and is very accepting of the fact that her father isn't around. There's another girl in her class in the same position so DD isn't too isolated. Also, there are children at her school whose parents have divorced and IMO, it's far more traumatic for the child whose parents are separating than it is for a child whose parent has never been part of the picture.

Anyway, apologies for rambling reply but hope it may help smile.

beansmum Thu 25-Jun-09 00:50:22

I'm probably a bit rubbish, but when ds (5) asks why his dad hasn't met him I just say I don't really know (which is true) and that sometimes people do things that you can't really understand.

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