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Am i thinking unfairly?

(23 Posts)
Bubbleezz Sat 20-Jun-09 22:15:33

Hi, i'm 17, 28 weeks pregnant and really need some advice. i'm not with the father of my baby anymore but he still wants to be a part of the babys life. i've got no problem with that infact i wouldn't have it any other way . The thing is we have been talking over msn (i never actually see him anymore), and he says that if i give the baby my surname then i'm basicly saying that the babys not his so i should give the baby his surname. i told him he was just being silly but he said it was unfair and hes making me feel guilty i don't know what to do? and the other thing he wants is when the baby is born he thinks he can see and be alone with the baby for long hours during the day without me and also overnight at his house sometimes? i always have thought a newborn shouldn't be away from their mum for long periods at a time and shouldn't stay overnight at any other house until they are quite a bit older? i do realise it isn't just my baby but i still don't think it would be right am i just being selfish and unfair? please help

FluffyBunnyGoneBad Sat 20-Jun-09 22:19:18

It's your decision who's surname your baby has. You are not married so it's down to you and he has no right to make you feel guilty. Raising a child isn't about who's surname it has.
A newborn needs to be with it's mother, if you breast feed then the baby will have to stay with you wink

hobbgoblin Sat 20-Jun-09 22:21:29

You are not being unfair, but you need to make a decision regarding the name together. Perhaps look at hyphenation in order to reach a compromise?

As for newborn staying away from you, it is less of an issue if you are not breastfeeding. I think a court has a rule of thumb about overnight stays where 12 months is considered appropriate but I could be wrong.

If you are breastfeeding then you will need to keep the baby with you most of the time save a few hours away once feeding is established. If you are bottle feeding either formula or expressed breast milk then you need to be sure that your ex is confident in providing a good experience for his baby in terms of bonding, attachment and development. There is no reason to assume he won't be but he may not have had the benefit of the information you probably have as a mother and he needs to get this knowledge from somewhere.

StewieGriffinsMom Sat 20-Jun-09 22:22:51

Message withdrawn

Leslaki Sat 20-Jun-09 22:39:11

You could give baby his surname as it's middle name? Good luck.

Bubbleezz Sat 20-Jun-09 23:49:56

Thankss for your help everyone i told him that i was thinking about breastfeeding and he said it will just be confusing for the baby when he has him/her over at his and has to feed with a bottle. so he will moan at me probably for saying the baby can't be without me at his because of breastfeeding.

i have mentioned to him that overnight stays arn't really considered for babies in the past but he just thinks that its unfair to him if i have the baby more than him? The middle name idea sounds fair enough but he will probably just say its still not fair because its not what he wants. i know he is just trying his best to be there for the baby but sometimes i think he's thinking about whats best for him and suits him more and not whats best for or suits the baby.

And on the thing about him not getting any knowledge, i asked him to come with me to the antenatal classes but he said it will just be boring. hes not a dad yet so how does he know everything to do because i will admit i've had very little experience around babies but i'm going to learn as much as i can before the baby is actually here. i always learned that bonding when the baby in still in the womb is good for the baby and for the parents but he takes no interest in that either.

MollieO Sun 21-Jun-09 00:05:55

It is up to you what you do re names but personally I wouldn't be giving my dc a surname that isn't the same as mine. You have already split up before your baby is born. Hopefully your ex will continue to be so enthusiastic about his child when it actually arrives and for the rest of it's life. Then again he may not.

If you give your baby his name then you will always be explaining why it is different to yours. To start with that will be with everyone you meet. Then you will have to explain it to your dc. If your ex chooses at some stage not to be a part of your dc's life then their surname is a daily reminder. It may also be difficult if your ex does end up being a fairweather father.

My ds has my name - ex registered as dad but I was pretty certain that he wouldn't be supportive so suggested ds had my surname as we weren't married. People we know understand that ds doesn't see his father but to others it isn't apparent at all. I am always called Mrs rather than Miss and it is easier to choose to explain if I want to rather than feeling as if I always have to explain the difference (which I feel would have been the case if ds had his father's name).

As for your newborn spending 'long hours' with someone who probably has no experience of babies, absolutely no way. If he has no interest in attending antenatal classes what is he going to do looking after a baby that may well cry and keep him up all night?

As for what he wants - your ex gave up that when you split up. From what you write it sounds like your ex thinks you are getting a puppy rather than having a baby. He needs to understand that they baby's needs come first irrespective of what he 'wants'.

CKelpie Sun 21-Jun-09 00:17:04

I registered ds with Dad's surname but when xp disappeared off the scene I changed it by deed poll to the same as mine.

I got sick of being called Mrs XP when I had never been Mrs P. Plus he has a really naff surname wink

I think you should register baby with your surname and perhaps incorporate dad's as a middle name or something.

I think you might regret it otherwise.

Bubbleezz Sun 21-Jun-09 00:21:35

thanks for the advice he just really makes me feel guilty about feeling and thinking about it from my point of view. i know that i'm just trying to do the best for the baby and because i have no experience, all i can do is ask other people? but he also makes me feel like i'm not being fair with everything that i want to happen

hobbgoblin Sun 21-Jun-09 00:33:58

If he is unwilling to demonstrate his adequacy to you in terms of his being knowledgeable enough and capable enough of caring for your baby well then you have every right to be cautious. Not attending antenatal classes because they are 'boring' is immature and not a good advertisement for his willingness to learn and be thoughtful in his parenting. If he wants to educate himself in another way, great but I suspect he hasn't found an alternative to the classes somehow.

I really think that it is great news that he is enthusiastic and committed but I have vague suspicions that he may be doing the not uncommon thing of seeing child as a posession of his rather than a being in its own right. I hope I am wrong.

The baby comes with two parents and if the child is cared for well then the views and opinions as well as needs of both mum and dad need to be respected in the three way relationship you will all have. To ignore you and your wishes is doing no favours to your child when it is born. Hope he sees that.

CKelpie Sun 21-Jun-09 00:36:49

You will both have parental responsibility so both your opinions on the name and all major decisions such as school/medical require consideration. But you are going to be the primary carer which carries a fair bit of clout.
Find a middle ground but do not let him make you feel guilty as you will be (now here is a cliche for you) making a rod for your own back.

He is being a little unrealistic re contact.
As fluffy says, breastfeeding will mean overnights are not an option for quite a while.

I hope it all goes smoothly.

StewieGriffinsMom Sun 21-Jun-09 07:31:29

Message withdrawn

lostdad Sun 21-Jun-09 19:03:34

Bubbleezz - suggest to him that he joins Families Need Fathers (he should be able to google it). Aside from everything else it is likely he is clueless on account of the fact he's never had a kid before (assuming this is the case).

There are hurdles that seperated parents come across, but there are solutions.

If you're breastfeeding, overnight stays are unfeasible at the moment. Don't let it turn from a molehill to a mountain though. Things can escalate and as bad as things may seem now, they can get much worse for everyone concerned - most of all, your baby who has a right to a good mother and father.

Get him to call Families Need Fathers. They will tell him lots of stuff including the fact overnights for a young baby that is being breastfed is unfeasible. They'll also tell him what he can do to be a good father.

Good luck. Everything you worry about is solvable with communication between you and your ex (Do. Not. Stop. Talking. Period.) and understanding how you can both do the best for your child.


lostdad Sun 21-Jun-09 19:05:22

Oh and don't accept `When I get a chance' as an answer off him. If when he says that, tell him that the sooner he does it (like today or tomorrow - not next week or until the baby is born) - the more you can work together and both of you can look forward to making sure your baby has a wonderful childhood.

Bubbleezz Mon 22-Jun-09 15:08:00

hey thanks i will try talking to him again about it all but i think he will either not listen to me or just repeat what he has already said to me in the past. and i will tell him about families need fathers to

Bubbleezz Sun 28-Jun-09 18:40:01

I have another problem now he has moved in with a girl i don't even know and expects me to be ok with the baby staying with him still. thing is i don't think i am being silly about not wanting the baby to stay this time am i right ?

bakerslovecakes Mon 29-Jun-09 09:42:16

regarding the babys surname I would just let the baby have yours. My xp left me when i was 4 months preg but if he had asked what your xp is asking then the answer would have been a striaght no, its less confusing for the child as he/she grows up. I agree that for your baby to stay overnight with xp would be unsettling for the baby. Do you know the girl he is moving in with? If i was you i would only let your xp see the baby maybe at your place, your parents house(or his), the park, a baby club. have you discussed with him whether this girl will be there when he has the baby? Maybe you should ask to meet her? If it works out for your xp and his new girlfriend then she will be a part of your babys life. Good luck.

lostdad Mon 29-Jun-09 14:37:41

Have you talked to him Bubbleezz? Tell him your concerns. Communication is the key here.

If you can't talk to him, try mediation. Google National Family Mediation (NFM). If your ex is slow off the mark, do it yourself. Do everything you can to avoid the pitfalls some people experience.

As for the previous post `If i was you i would only let your xp see the baby maybe at your place, your parents house(or his), the park, a baby club' I would say `keep an open mind'.

If you intend to do this, consider carefully why you are. Would the baby be at risk with him? Would you stop it because he doesn't have experience with babies (and if so, how does any new mother - or father get experience? neither men or women come into this world with an innate ability to care for children, it is learnt)? Would you do it simply because you're the babies mother and you're `in charge'?

Do the above and you're sending a message that he is a danger to his own child. If he is, fair enough.

Do not take this as a starting point. It is an excellent way to end up in court if you're unlucky.

For the record: If he's just started seeing someone else it is a little unreasonable to foist her on a new baby.

bakerslovecakes Mon 29-Jun-09 15:13:31

I think the previous post mis-read what i meant, i didnt for one second think that the babys father is a risk, I meant that you need to also get to know the new girlfriend of your xp because she is going to be part of your babys life maybe not striaght away but in time so maybe meeting outside of their new home together might be easier.

lostdad Mon 29-Jun-09 15:24:28

Fair apologies. wink

Bubbleezz Fri 03-Jul-09 18:02:13

thanks for your advice. i told him the only reason i didnt want the baby going there was cause i've never met the girl myself and if i did then my feelings would probably be different. i know that if i was to get somebody new i would like him to meet the guy because the new guy would be getting brought into his childs life. he's once again making me feel guilty about feeling this way because he said that i don't trust him that the baby won't come to any harm or anything when it's not the point i'm trying to make and i've told him this but he just doesn't listen. he always says that me wanting to breastfeed for a while and not wanting the baby to stay overnight with him until he/she is a bit older is basiclly saying i don't want him in the babys life when thats the totally wrong idea. i've said that he could maybe stay at my house with the baby some nights if he really wants to be there but he says that he needs to bond with the baby alone just him and the baby basiclly without me being in the same house as them? i would be happy to go in a different room or something so he could get some alone time but he still says that isn't fair enough.

kate1956 Fri 03-Jul-09 19:22:06

Frankly he's clearly not thinking of the babys interests if he's trying to stop you breatfeeding is he? I think you're being more than fair but I don't think you need to get too worried about him as in feeling guilty - you're not HIS mother there to coddle him along and at this time you should be doing whatever is best for you and the baby. No-one in their right mind thinks that a newborn baby should be away from its mother for long periods of time and you should give the baby any surname you want - although you may want to think about the double barralled name.
Suggest you try mediation as you may find with another adult in the roomyour ex gets a dose of reality a bit quicker and then you won't feel so pressured - good luck!

Bubbleezz Wed 08-Jul-09 11:00:11

Thank you

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